– Hello. RYAN: (whispers) Oh my God! – I’m Tycho Brahe of Penny Arcade and PAX.
(players whispering and giggling) Players! KATE: (whispers) Sorry. – Tycho Brahe of Penny Arcade and PAX. I’m also Ominifis Hereward Dran
of Acquisitions Incorporated. (takes deep breath) But today I’m Jerry Holkins and I’m running a game of
Dungeons & Dragons for my friends! To my right! Dragonborn narcissist, Uh… AMY & KATE: (laughs) RYAN: Ryan…
JERRY: Whoever it is. RYAN: Sure.
JERRY: This dick. JERRY: No, no. His name is Donaar Blit’zen. But he’s played by Ryan Hartman. RYAN: (claps loudly) KRIS: Aggression! JERRY: It’s too much.
It’s too much. It’s too much. Amy the Falcon. Rolling in…Returning champion.
AMY: (softly cheers) KATE: (bird cries) KRIS: (whoosh sounds)
JERRY: Walnut Dankgrass. AMY: Oh yeah. JERRY: Recovered. Recovered. Kate Welch. Rosie Beestinger. Not your grandma’s grandma. Now… Did you guys get your hair cut
at the same place? There is… KATE: We did. Thanks for noticing!
AMY: Yeah. JERRY: There’s a commonality
here. I can’t pick up on it. AMY: It’s the glasses.
JERRY: Is that what it is? AMY: Mmm.
KATE: Yeah. KRIS: Oh, Warby Parker? Are those…? AMY: Yeah. The very same.
KATE: They are, yeah. As a matter of fact, yeah. – Great fit. Great price. (laughter)
JERRY: Kris Straub! Playing Underdark exile K’thriss Drow’b. Back at it again. Just to get the viewing audience
synchronized with our newest adventure. You, very recently, had just driven
south from Westbridge, after your successful quelling of the
goblin raids to the east of there. You got embroiled in some
kind of personal conflict. Ostensibly about statues, but
there’s clearly something deeper going on between these two men. You escaped just in time, rolled south, came back into Red Larch to the Dran & Courtier where you are stationed. Currently the corporate headquarters of the Dessarin Valley branch of Acquisitions Incorporated. And had an encounter with a very agitated goblin named Splugoth the Returned. Who didn’t have beef. Seemed authentically curious why anyone would choose to represent Acquisitions Incorporated. Left you with a specific warning not to trust the company that
you are part owners of. And 100% not to trust the CEO of Acquisitions Incorporated, Ominifis Hereward Dran. Who is my other character! So…the fucking… the fucking worlds are merging. KATE: What are the odds?
AMY: Yeah, weird. RYAN: You’re playing one character telling us — JERRY: One to one!
RYAN: not to trust the other character you play. JERRY: One to one. Yeah it’s uh… KRIS: You convinced us. though. Looked real. RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: Looked like you didn’t like that other guy.
RYAN: The self-hate! Yeah! JERRY: Yeah, it seemed exciting. Like, so…the entire campaign is
just there to be for me, really, at the end of the day.
RYAN: I’m getting that. (laughter) AMY: We’re all here for you, Jerry.
RYAN: Yeah! JERRY: Thanks, guys!
KRIS: Do not trust him, however handsome! RYAN: Yeah.
JERRY: No, no. KATE: Intelligent and capable…
RYAN: Yeah, in 8th grade–oh God! JERRY: No, no. It’s actually, it’s
like a reverse-intervention. Like, it’s never too early for me to
drive four other people insane. KRIS: Yeah. KATE: (laughs)
JERRY: It’s a Nega-Intervention. AMY: Right, “drive” them.
JERRY: Exactly, but…! You are back home at the Dran & Courtier. Your next job is… as you may recall — Do you actually have it written down in your notebook, Documancer?
AMY: Oh I messed up. AMY: Well I mean, the first
job is to get all the extensive documentation for this
Raiding Must Stop quest done. – Indeed. There’s going to be a task. – Right, true. But after that we have
two options. And they’re very good options. The first is to go do party security for 300 gold.
JERRY: Mmhmm. – Or just any old time, bring
a chicken to that cat Onyx. – Yeah, exactly! And that’s a freebie!
That’s like when you have that shit… AMY: That’s a gimme —
RYAN: Could we just walk around the market for…? KRIS: Yeah…
KATE: I’d like to cast Detect Chicken. JERRY: Yeah yeah, it’s–but still green–
it’s like still green in your quest log. AMY: Oh yeah. JERRY: It’s like, “We can still
get XP from this, you guys.” AMY: It’s just any time, it’s a gimme.
We can bring a chicken. KATE: Yeah, until it turns gray, KRIS: How much time has elapsed
since Splugoth told us this thing? Is he still here? Cuz maybe we just
like (meep boop) a chicken. Done. KATE: He bounced.
AMY: He bounced. JERRY: No, he has bounced. He and his…
AMY: Entourage… JERRY: Yeah, his two-deep entourage. KRIS: Yeah.
RYAN: Cadre. JERRY: Yeah, yeah. They have left. And like I said, there was not… it wasn’t agitation in the classic sense. I misspoke there. He really does seem confused and
almost curious about the group. What would have caused it. And maybe he’s been out of the loop for a while… But he could have created a lot
of problems in that instance. And it was a choice on his part, it
seemed like to just feel things out. But yeah, yeah. KATE: He seems to be befuddled as to why anyone would want to be a part of this organization. Is that correct?
JERRY: That’s true. KATE: OK.
JERRY: That’s true. He said as much. KATE: And he gave us a card.
JERRY: He did. KATE: It had the symbol that we know as
the Acquisitions Incorporated logo, but… JERRY: It’s inverted.
AMY: Inverted. KATE: it’s upside-down. OK.
JERRY: Yeah it’s corrupted in some way. JERRY: And then below the hard line
at the bottom just reads, “The Six.” KATE: The Six. Is there any familiarity that
any of us would have with this organization? JERRY: You are welcome to try…
AMY: (whispers) You’re welcome to try. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, you are welcome to try.
KATE: I have History? KATE: Would History do anything there? JERRY: History would be a great choice for this. KATE: OK. Alright. Here I go! I got a 7. KRIS: I’m gonna be a historian too!
KATE: Do it! JERRY: Yeah. I’m gonna do Double History.
RYAN: Should we all try? KATE: Yeah. Everybody do it. KRIS: Ooo…
RYAN: I got History… KATE: History boy over here.
KRIS: How ’bout a 15? How’s that feel? JERRY: It’s decent.
KRIS: Do I know something? JERRY: Let’s see what we got here. RYAN: 20. 18 + 2. KRIS: Hmm. KATE: Oh so Donaar’s just been studying about —
RYAN: I know the best! Yeah barely. KRIS: You’re like, “That guy? Oh my –”
RYAN: “Oh! I know him! Awww…” KATE: You wake up the next
morning, you’re like, “Oh yeah!” RYAN: “By the way, everyone!” JERRY: No, no. You go up.
You brush your teeth, get all your shit on, and
then you come back out! “Actually wait a second.” You are not… You are not familiar with any overlap between “The Six” and Acquisitions Incorporated. Could be a new player on the scene… There’s nothing in any of
the official documentation. There’s certain other groups that are on the form that you have already.
AMY: Mmhmm. JERRY: It’s like if you encounter… the Zhentarim, there’s a checkbox. AMY: Sure.
JERRY: Right? JERRY: If you encounter the
Harpers, there’s a checkbox. If you encounter Dran… AMY: Enterprises…of course!
JERRY: Enterprises, there is a checkbox. AMY: There’s a BIG checkbox. JERRY: It’s huge. In fact…it’s– you have to like…WORK not to check that box. Its very large.
AMY: Right. JERRY: But that’s the case. If there is a specific overlap with
that organization, whatever it is, you’re not aware of any threads that cross there.
RYAN: Hmm. KATE: Walnut, I assume, might have been
poring through documentation overnight, to try to find any mention of these folks? AMY: Uh…
KATE: Is that accurate? AMY: Yeah, absolutely.
KATE: I’m asking as Rosie, like, “Have you found anything in the documentation
we’d been given about The Six?” AMY: Walnut’s like, always
wants like have the answer but doesn’t, is like, “Uh well. I mean –”
JERRY: (laughs) AMY: “I have to get back to you on that.” “But, I mean, I had to fill out the documents,
and that took a long time. And also just –” KATE: “I can’t even imagine how
long that must have taken.” AMY: “Yeah. A long time.” KATE: “You did a really good job.
Thank you so much.” AMY: “Thank you. It’s good t–Thank you.” “Just doing my duty.” KATE: (giggles) KATE: OK, so the answer’s no.
(laughter) RYAN: That’s a long way of saying no.
AMY: No… AMY: That’s kind of her thing.
KRIS: That’s the softest no. AMY: She just doesn’t wanna admit defeat. JERRY: Can you imagine the
gear shift for Walnut, though? Coming like straight out of the woods, and then right into this sort of like… RYAN: Documents.
KATE: Yeah. KATE: Documents.
KRIS: All these dead trees. KATE: Yeah.
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: The very thing I swore to protect.
AMY: Eh… KATE: Killing nature’s kind of her thing. JERRY: She’s writing–she’s just writing… directly on their flattened corpses. KATE & KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: On their pulp. AMY: “See how you like it, asshole!” (laughter) RYAN: The pen is just a taxidermied squirrel with like a little quill coming out of the mouth. KRIS: It’s like, money retrieved–300 gold–uh…so sorry. Uh… At the end of every line, “I apologize.”
AMY: I will say — AMY: I will say as a little bit,
like–I would say that, Walnut’s definitely like, wants to act
like she knows what’s going on. KATE: OK.
JERRY: Yeah. AMY: This would be kinda like…
KATE: OK. AMY: She’s figuring it out as she goes along. KATE: Rosie–I can tell that you’re full of shit. But I’m going to–I understand
that you’re young and I wanna encourage you, so I’m like, “You know what? You’re probably
right on the cusp of finding it.” “So definitely keep looking.” And then I’d like to bring the
card over to Prophetess and ask her what the shit is up with this guy. Does she know anything? “Do you know –”
You’re Prophetess now. JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. KATE: Do you?
JERRY: I know what’s required of me. KATE: I know what I am. Don’t tell me what I am. “So, Splugoth the Returned, The Six?” “Check out this card.” “Seems to be our logo, upside-down.” “Do you know anything about this guy?” “Have you heard anything like this?” JERRY: She reaches out for the card. KATE: I hand you the card. KRIS: Roll to Hand. (laughter) KRIS: Nope.
RYAN: You drop it. It sets on fire. Aww. (laughter)
JERRY: The entire inn burns down. JERRY: She looks at the front. Looks at the back. Looks at the front again. Sets it down. Holds her holy symbol and
places her hand on the card. Removes her hand. There’s a glow that ignites
and then fades on the card. She says, “There’s nothing
special about the card.” “I’m not familiar with a group called The Six.” “Or anyone named Splugoth.” “Splug, I know.” “I’m not sure if–I don’t…” “There could be something about
goblin naming that I don’t understand.” “It’s not my specialty.” RYAN: Who’s Splug?
JERRY: “I only speak a little bit.” KATE: Do you say that in character?
RYAN: “Who’s Splug?” Yeah. JERRY: “Oh…” She (clears throat) She turns around, grabs a glass and a rag, moves back over to the front of house, sits out from behind the bar with the party, and she says, “It’s old. It’s an old story.” “But there was a moment…”
RYAN: (laughs) JERRY: “very early in my son’s career” “where he had a choice” “between saving his friend
Binwin Bronzebottom” “and rescuing a goblin.” “And the choice he made at that time,” “was to save a dwarf of
the Bronzebottom clan.” “It was a moment. I have
seen this on the field myself.” “As a paladin–of course, you’d know.” RYAN: “Yeah.” JERRY: “You get into situations where
you need to make a decision” “in one second that you remember
for the rest of your life.” “I know it’s something
that he still thinks about.” “But if he were two people and had four hands,
maybe life would be different.” “But he only has the two.” RYAN: So Splug’s dead? AMY: No, Splugoth the Returned. RYAN: No, I’m saying that in
this instant, Splug died? KATE: So this was…
KRIS: He wasn’t saved. KATE: a choice between Binwin and Splug.
RYAN: He wasn’t saved. KRIS: Yeah.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: OK so Splug probably bears a grudge for this.
RYAN: Verifying… RYAN: I’m verifying he died.
AMY: I’m just saying — KATE: I don’t know if he died.
RYAN: That’s what I’m asking. KATE: It’s an Anakin Skywalker situation.
AMY: If you’re gonna take a logo AMY: and flip it upside-down… Like that just says a lot. Walnut is deeply disturbed.
This is in character actually. AMY: “(gasps)”
JERRY: Just the iconography? AMY: “Why would they do that?”
KRIS: It’s IP theft. AMY: It is. RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: On its face. JERRY: At the end of the day, is it fair use? No.
KRIS: No. RYAN: No. AMY: “Anyway and that’s why I
couldn’t figure out who he was” “because I was doing this.”
And she just puts a bunch of papers down. She’s like, “Umm…”
(laughter) “We have a very strong case against them.” KATE: You have just like your lawsuit litigations. AMY: Yeah and I take
the card back, “Anyway…” and put it in a little
Ziploc bag, like, “this is…” KRIS: “I don’t know if you could go
wrong NOT saving a goblin.” JERRY: (snorts)
KATE: Wow. KRIS: “I think he chose correctly.”
RYAN: Wow. KATE: Hard stance. RYAN: (whistles) Jeez. Wow.
JERRY: Wow he’s just coming out with it. AMY: Walnut takes a look around
to make sure the goblin’s gone. RYAN: Yeah.
(laughter) KRIS: I don’t know if you could–you don’t
have the right to say (whispers) “the goblin.” (laughter) KATE: (whispers) Bitch… JERRY: She says, “I guess I could understand why,” “under the circumstances” “were he to be back on the market,” “he might bear some kind of grudge.” “But I know Omin. And I know that he would have
made the best decision he could at that time.” KATE: OK.
JERRY: “It’s always been true.” RYAN: “Sounds like a sweet boy.” KATE: “You must be very proud.” JERRY: “He’ll do in a pinch.” KRIS: “Must be nice to have
a mom who believes in you.” (laughter) KRIS: I say that in here. RYAN: With a single tear. JERRY: I say it within.
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: He cries from his teeth. (laughter)
KRIS: In the Drow fashion. KATE: So this Splugoth doesn’t
appear to have left us — he left us a calling card, but no actual way
to contact him again, as far as we can tell. So I guess, just like throw the card in
the fire and go about our business? RYAN: Yeah. On to finding a chicken. AMY: This is…
KATE: Sorry. It’s part of the lawsuit. KATE: You can hang on to it. AMY: This is part of something
I’m working on, please. (laughter) RYAN: You go into her room and there’s
just like this giant crazy conspiracy board. With like yarn tied between pieces of paper. AMY: Who is The Six? JERRY: There’s a picture of a chicken. RYAN: Yeah. Question mark? Cat?! Question mark.
KRIS: Decision man? KRIS: Decisonsman. Decision
dragonsman. What’s the term? KRIS: You are a…
AMY & KATE: Decisionist. RYAN: Leader.
KATE: Decisionist. KRIS: Baconator. KATE: Eh…
RYAN: Bac–baconator? (laughs) KRIS: So in a case like this, would
this card count as a document? Or part of the hoard? Part of the treasure. RYAN: Ooo…that’s a good question.
KATE: Oh, let’s you know what? KATE: We got two and a half hours let’s argue about who gets to keep the business card.
RYAN: Yeah… RYAN: Who does get the business card? RYAN: I will have to think–real time–
half hour minimum about this. (laughter)
RYAN: Talk amongst yourselves. KRIS: Before we could move on.
RYAN: Yeah. AMY: This actually should go to you.
If you’re going to actually keep it. It should be in the hoard. This thing. RYAN: As the Decisionist, I say time to move
on from talking about business cards. KRIS: You don’t even talk to me?
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: Let’s do…
RYAN: I just go… KATE: Let’s do some party security. I’m feeling really buff after all this stuff. I’m feeling strong. Jacked.
Ripped up. Got my pump on. JERRY: Shredded. KATE: Yeah.
AMY: You don’t wanna attend the wedding? KATE: No. I wanna go bounce at a party.
RYAN: What wedding? What? AMY: The chicken-cat wedding. RYAN: Oh…
AMY: Was that cat being AMY: sarcastic?
RYAN: I think the cat was fucking with you. KRIS: Cats are sarcastic animals. JERRY: That’s the fan art I want!
RYAN: Regardless, JERRY: I want cats and chickens joining.
RYAN: it’s gonna be funny. Yeah. JERRY: I want them becoming one. KATE: Mass hysteria.
AMY: Alright so, I’m like rolling up all my stuff. I’m like, AMY: “Well after this we’re getting a chicken!” “A live one.” RYAN: I dunno. I mean, how much
time do we have? So how much…? RYAN: We have ten days for the security.
KATE: OK so Doomsgate Inn was in ten days. KATE: Correct? From when we started.
JERRY: Yeah. KATE: And how many days has it been? RYAN: We’ve only had, like 4 nights, right?
KRIS: We can do both. KRIS: We go do this thing. We get
a chicken while we’re there — RYAN: Yeah we could do a
chicken while we wait, I’m saying. KRIS: I’m sure the streets are lousy with them.
AMY: We can pick up the chicken at the–what’s the D&D AMY: version of Safeway? I dunno. JERRY: Yeah, yeah. You stop right out
front a Chickens While-You-Wait. RYAN: Yeah.
AMY: Yeah. Chickens While-You-Wait. RYAN: Chicken-Mart.
AMY: Right. KATE: Chicken-Mart. OK. Sounds great. AMY: Party security.
RYAN: Chick-fil-B. KATE: Shall we go to the Doomsgate Inn? Which I certainly have a map of
because I’m the Cartographer. JERRY: Cartograph-Her. KATE: (laughs) KRIS: Nice.
KATE: Yup. That’s me. KRIS: Sort of–sort of nice. KATE: That’s me. “Sort of–sort of nice!” And this is–our client is “Vespertine”? JERRY: Well the… the official job posting, as you know,
AMY: Right. JERRY: is, “Party Security for the Vespertine Order”
KATE: K. JERRY: “300 gold pieces.” KATE: K and the Vespertine Order
is definitely vampires. Obviously, we can all agree on that. JERRY: Well, here. I’ll read the rest.
RYAN: So we should go shopping first: garlic… AMY: Read it, read it.
KRIS: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: “Sombar Blood-Drinker requests
professional defense specialists” AMY: Mmhmm. JERRY: “for a midnight soirée.”
RYAN & KRIS: Hmm! JERRY: “Inquire at the Doomgate Inn.” KATE: You know what? I take it back.
I don’t think they’re vampires. (laughter) AMY: Nothing would lead me to
believe that that is a vampire. RYAN: We got time to go shopping, regardless. KATE: Wait! Why do you want to go shopping?
What are we shopping for? AMY: Garlic.
RYAN: Wooden stakes. KATE: Ah… AMY: Wood. Stakes.
RYAN: Garlic. Silver. RYAN: I want to get a doll for the egg. A little toy for the egg. AMY & KATE: (choking back laughter)
RYAN: I got a whole shopping list here. KRIS: I think it’s pretty rude of us to
assume that they want our blood. Like they’re just like, (bleurgh)
“I gotta get blood.” KATE: The guy’s name is Sombar Blood-Drinker.
KRIS: Like they don’t got choices? RYAN: This is a bit we could
probably do in front of him. (laughter) KRIS: Yeah, it might win him over. RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: You considered this. RYAN: Who’s on first? Blah blah blah. KATE: You guys wanna hop in the cart?
If you’re done exchanging jokes? KATE: Can we do some serious business here?
RYAN: I wanna go buy some shit. KATE: Oh you wanna go shopping. OK, right. JERRY: Prophe asks you about your sash. RYAN: “My little one? In my back?” KATE: Your babybjörn?
RYAN: Oh yeah. We should show her the egg. “I found this.” “I found this egg. It’s my egg now.” KATE: That’s how things work. RYAN: That’s how things work. That’s how things work to Donaar. AMY: Prophe…does she know about any of this? RYAN: “You know about dragon eggs?” JERRY: “A little.”
RYAN: Mmhmm. JERRY: “Are you planning on
bringing that with you on a job?” – “I don’t trust anyone else with it.” KATE: That hasn’t really worked out great, though. – Uh it’s fine, isn’t it?
KATE: Well… It’s in pristine condition, is it not?
(laughter) KATE: How many times per
day can you Lay on Hands? RYAN: Right now. It’s in
pristine condition, is it not? JERRY: Right now at 10 —
RYAN: I rest my case! JERRY: at 10 am.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: Yup.
JERRY: She says, JERRY: “I could take care of it.” RYAN: “I don’t know you, lady.” AMY: Prophe is 1, 2, 3 times a mommy.
RYAN: That’s true. JERRY: “How many… How many children do you have? RYAN: “One.” RYAN: I shake the egg.
(laughter) RYAN: “Just this one!” “And I love it so much!” KRIS: Listen, listen — KATE: I’m like (hrgh!) Ready
to catch that egg. Oh boy! RYAN: It like cracks a little. Lay on hands. KRIS: “I know…I know you’re trying
to get rid of the egg and kill it.” “But it’s a bad look. Like it’s not subtle
the way you’re going about it.” “We can talk about it after.”
(laughter) RYAN: “Yeah. That’s good…good advice.”
KRIS: “OK.” KRIS: “If you want advice –”
RYAN: “Thanks!” RYAN: “I’m sorry, I was having a conversation,” “and you kinda jumped in.”
KRIS: “I apologize.” RYAN: “It’s my egg!”
(laughter) (laughter) AMY: K’thriss tried so hard…
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: She says, “Alright.” “I won’t…” “I can’t make this decision for you.
Every parent has to make it.” RYAN: “Well…”
KATE: “I kinda feel like it might be safer here.” KATE: “Like swaddled up in a soft, little bed…” “Plus you don’t want it to get separation anxiety.” KRIS: “Every former parent has
to make a choice like this.” KATE: Every “former” parent?
KRIS: Yeah. KATE: Every not-yet-a-parent…
RYAN: Yeah! RYAN: It’s not real–It’s not my egg! Also. I’ve adopted it.
KATE: Yeah. RYAN: and I love it.
AMY: That makes it your egg. (laughter)
JERRY: Same. RYAN: That makes it–yeah. Just like these Goodberries
are my children as well. KATE: And I love them.
RYAN: And I love them all! Everything I own, I love! KRIS: (eating noises) AMY: Are you gonna leave it or…?
RYAN: Oh fine, I’ll leave it. AMY: You don’t have to.
KATE: I trust Prophetess. Plus then it won’t get squished when we
inevitably push you over stuff or whatever. RYAN: We’re gonna come back
and it’s gonna be missing. And then who do I blame? AMY: I’m gonna miss the hatching…
RYAN: And then who do I blame? RYAN: Yeah!
JERRY: Yeah, exactly. KATE: If it hatches, call me!
I wanna be there. RYAN: Just yell out into the ether.
JERRY: Exactly. JERRY: There’s obviously the fireplace in
the common room by the small stage. Which you have never seen
anyone on yet. You make a note. AMY: Yet. JERRY: But there is another stove behind the bar. And taking a seat cushion, she makes a little place for the egg….
KRIS: Hmm. Ryan: Hmm. JERRY: below the coals.
KRIS: Hmm. RYAN: Well I say, “This will do.” “The egg gets fussy around 8 every night.”
AMY: (laughs) “You gotta say ‘Goodnight Moon.’
You have to read ‘Goodnight Moon’ to the egg.” “And you have to give it not one,
not two, but three kisses.” “Don’t give the egg four kisses.” “For the love of God, don’t
give the egg four kisses.” KRIS: No. Don’t coddle it.
Ryan: No. RYAN: Don’t feed it after
midnight. Don’t get it wet. (laughter)
Ryan: Ummm…. AMY: We’re like pushing him
out the door and he’s like — KATE: I love Daddy Donaar so much. KATE: Oh my —
JERRY: No, also there’s another — KATE: (laughs) RYAN: I’m not done talking about the egg! Don’t make eye contact with it. KRIS: You don’t deserve to look at it.
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: But do take care of it.
(laughter) KRIS: It’s very important to me.
RYAN: It’s more important than your life… AMY: Your life. Your life. Your life.
RYAN: And the lives of all of you! KRIS: Wear this mask of me.
The body we can work on. (laughter) RYAN: Yeah I don’t want it to be weird.
KATE: A really crappy like paper-craft version KATE: of yourself.
JERRY: Yeah exactly! JERRY: It’s like all sort of papier-mâché. KATE: Yeah. Yeah.
JERRY: Comes out here… KATE: Yeah, you’re gonna
wanna wear this mask (laughs) RYAN: Yeah, I don’t want this egg to
grow up in like a weird environment. So wear this mask.
(laughter) RYAN: And talk like me around it. AMY: Walnut’s just like walking out. (laughs) KATE: Yeah you are literally pushing
him out the door–yeah, yeah. KATE: “Goodbye! We’re off on an adventure now…”
AMY: “OK we’ll pick her something up on our way out…” RYAN: “I’m gonna go buy her a presents.” KATE: “Of course. We’re gonna go to a
little shop, you’re gonna buy her a toy.” RYAN: “Thank you. Finally.” KATE: So what kinda shops
we got around this joint? AMY: Paint us a picture, Shop Man. JERRY: Yeah, absolutely. (clears throat) So like I say… Your… the Dran & Courtier is basically sort of
around the corner from the main drag. Across from the street the Dran & Courtier
is on, is of course, Waelvur’s Wagons. But there are multiple sundries shops… Obviously we could invest some
serious time there if we wanted to. KATE: (stifles a laugh) JERRY: But there are —
KATE: I’m investigating the wagons. It’s fine. JERRY: Yeah yeah. There are sundry– There are shops where you
could purchase supplies. Remember this is basically — Red Larch is just basically built
around a section of a trade road. KRIS: It’s a strip mall. JERRY: Yeah, basic —
AMY: Right. JERRY: Yeah basically. An outlet mall. Like, you want cloaks? You know
what I mean? Cloaks-For-Less! KATE: Chinese food…RadioShack…
AMY: We call thems a “dirt mall.” JERRY: (stammers) They got a Blimpy.
They don’t rate Subway. KATE: Naw… RYAN: No.
AMY: That’s a dirt mall. JERRY: You know what I mean?
RYAN: They don’t rate a Subway? (laughs) AMY: I don’t get Subway.
RYAN: Sbarro. AMY: Ok so what do you want —
RYAN: Three Sbarros! KATE: We should probably…
JERRY: Sbarri. KATE: get some more healing potions and not “healing potions.” Also have you made us–can
you make us some Goodberries? AMY: Yeah, I sure could make you Goodberries.
KATE: I’m out of Goodberries. I think they all expired. RYAN: Yeah.
AMY: Yeah assume everything is expired. KATE: Yeah.
AMY: They were expired when I gave them… AMY: to…you…
(laughter) KRIS: Whoops. They’re fine. AMY: Ok so everyone would get three. KATE: OK. Thank you~! AMY: I get a nice little one for myself. KATE: I think I’d like to pick
up some healing potions. KATE: You used the
superior healing on Donaar when he didn’t kill the baby.
KRIS: I did. RYAN: He did. KRIS: It’s gone now.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: OK. RYAN: It’s in my belly. Yum yum yum.
KATE: Yeah. Potion shop? KATE: Can we cruise in there? JERRY: Well it’s not that type of…
KATE: Not that kinda town? JERRY: It isn’t that type of town. RYAN: Is there a bakery? KRIS: It’s like a AM/PM.
KATE: That’s a good question. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s a
place where one might secure a loaf. RYAN: OK.
KATE: Alright. RYAN: Go there, we should get some food.
KATE: “Yeah, you wanna get some loaves?” RYAN: “I’ll get some loaves.”
KATE: “OK.” AMY: “Why? When we have these good, good berries.”
KRIS: “How long of a trip is this?” KATE: “OK. That’s true. I don’t know…buying –”
RYAN: “They taste like shit!” RYAN: “OK? They’re functional,
but they are disgusting.” “I want that on the record.” (laughter) AMY: “Well you don’t have to have them.”
KATE: “I think they’re very tasty.” RYAN: “They’re like eating poop.” KATE: “You know what? OK. Go buy a toy.”
KRIS: “It’s whatever.” KATE: “And we’re gonna get into the cart.” KRIS: “They’re fine.” RYAN: “Alright.”
KATE: “You buy a toy.” RYAN: “Yeah. Oh and bread.” KATE: OK great. AMY: “And some vamp garlic.” RYAN: Yeah we need garlic.
“Hey what don’t vampires like?” AMY & KATE: “Garlic.”
RYAN: “Do we know?” KATE: “Garlic.”
RYAN: “Garlic.” KATE: “Think so. I mean, if this is–I don’t
know about Red Larch vampires, but…” AMY: “Get one of those… AMY: “things where it comes in a string.”
KRIS: Are we over-preparing? KRIS: Like I mean they might actually be… like are they the ones asking for the security? KATE: Yeah, it’s their party that
we’re going to be securing. KRIS: So maybe we’ll need that stuff
RYAN: We’re going to protect vampires from the… KRIS: to keep other vampires out. KATE: Or what does–
what are vampires afraid of? RYAN: I dunno. Vampire killers? KATE: Sunlight. Buffy.
RYAN: People with garlic? (laughs) KATE: Yeah. KRIS: Bloodless men and women?
AMY: Sunlight, Buffy, garlic. KATE: Yeah. OK. KATE: So maybe no garlic.
RYAN: Can we buy sunlight? KATE: Maybe they won’t give us the job
if we show up just reeking of garlic. KRIS: Hmm. Yeah.
JERRY: Ugh. AMY: Alright fine. Then we’ll go in not preparing at all. KATE: Sounds great.
RYAN: With our necks exposed. KATE: Yeah. AMY: (laughs)
KRIS: It shows courage. AMY: Mmm! Mmm…
RYAN: Yeah, they’ll admire that. KRIS: They could sense that.
You become the Alpha. AMY: (sigh) My arteries are throbbing today. KATE: (laughs)
JERRY: Yeah exactly. I just worked out… JERRY: It’s…a lot of pressure…in this region. AMY: Alright so Donaar picks up
a toy and then we do nothing. KATE: Yeah. And then we’re
gonna go on our way! RYAN: I buy a doll.
KRIS: How long of a road trip is this? RYAN: I want to buy some grain. KATE: We’re gonna…
we’re hitting the road, Jack. RYAN: A little bag of grain. JERRY: It’s about a day and a half south…
AMY: Oh! RYAN: I’m buying a bag of grain! KATE: OK.
JERRY: of… JERRY: good road. KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: It’s about a day and half south of here. KATE: OK.
RYAN: Hey I bought a bag of grain. JERRY: A sack of grain?
RYAN: Yeah. AMY: Yes. JERRY: In the back? Is it anti-vampire grain? JERRY: Is it like…
AMY: How big? AMY: This big?
RYAN: Just a little satchel of it. KRIS: Like what kind? Triticale? KRIS: Or what are you talking about?
RYAN: Yeah. (laughter)
JERRY: Quinoa? KRIS: Yeah.
KATE: (sighs) RYAN: We’ll say it cost me —
KATE: I hate you guys so much right now. KATE: Can we please get on with the adventure?!?
JERRY: Yes. You absolutely can. KATE: Alright. Thank you. JERRY: I agree with you 100%
KATE: Alright. KATE: I’m gonna drive —
JERRY: We’re on the same page. KATE: Again. Always. KATE: I’m gonna drive —
KRIS: Same arrangement right? KATE: Yup. Driving. AMY: Boys in the back. KATE: You riding…riding the whip?
AMY: I’m up on the top. KATE: OK. Boys in the back? Here we go. JERRY: Mmhmm.
KATE: “Hyah! Coriander!” JERRY: I have made a presumption… that you have removed the heavy statue? KRIS: Yes…I am aware of this…
AMY: The heavy… AMY: statue is… KATE: The heavy statue is
back at the Dran and Courtier. JERRY: OK.
KRIS: It’s currently at the foot of the stairs. KRIS: We did not put it in our like
treasures, like our trophies… AMY: Oh, no. That’s for everyone to enjoy.
KRIS: in our shelves. We’re gonna have to deal with that KRIS: later.
KATE: Yeah, we’ll deal with it later. KRIS: Nice sheet over it.
KATE: We get Prophetess to haul it up there for us. AMY: She has to look at it the whole time.
JERRY: With one hand. KATE: Oh yeah. She could knock that right out. JERRY: Absolutely. JERRY: Absolutely. So you take to the road. As your cart pulls out and
you take a left at Waelvur’s, you can see — which is a proprietor of lesser carts. KATE: Hmm. JERRY: Your..you know…your conveyance definitely draws eyes from
people who are in mid-purchase. KATE: (laughs)
JERRY: You know what I mean? Like they wanna know where
they can get a cart like that. And they can’t!
KATE: Nope. KRIS: No… JERRY: Only the “C” Team has a cart of this — RYAN: You have to raid three individual carts.
(laughter) JERRY: You have to take up a life of crime… KRIS: There’s an opening. “Raiders” are available now.
You can take the position. KATE: The raiding has ceased. So…
KRIS: Yeah. AMY: Job well done.
KATE: Raiding Must Begin Again! JERRY: Exactly. There’s an
incredible opportunity there. JERRY: So absolutely. So you roll out south. Drive until about the end of the day. Pull the cart over and rest. KRIS: (sighs in relief)
JERRY: Uneventful. KATE: Wonderful. My favorite kind. JERRY: Uneventful. There were no events. KRIS: None whatsoever. KRIS: I just hit “A” a bunch of times. JERRY: Yeah (laughs)
KATE: Skipped the whole cutscene. JERRY: Skip all the text.
KRIS: Yeah. JERRY: But yeah, yeah. You — Judging from the map, you should be able
to get there in plenty of time tomorrow. KATE: OK. KATE: So it is night right now? JERRY: It is.
KATE: OK. JERRY: Night is upon you. KATE: And everything seems secure? We seem happy? KRIS: While we’re…benighted…allow me to take care of a little business from previous.
JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: I never managed to
do a correct Arcana check on that crystal ball we got from one of the carts.
– That’s true. That’s true. Well done!
RYAN: Oh yeah. – So let me do–let me try again… This thing vexes me! (die clatters) Hmmm… What’s my–what’s my…
JERRY: Arcana? – modifier. Yeah. That’s a 13. That’s not gonna do anything again.
– No. JERRY: One of these days, you’re gonna —
KRIS: “What a mystery!” – you’re gonna do it (laughs) – It’s the thing I wanted…forever! It’s the end of the season,
that’s when I figure it out. – And you literally have it. You have it in the thing — You’re staring at it for a long time and then you realize that it’s
just like your own reflection. (startled sound) – (kissing sounds) – You’re terrified by it. – Alright. We’ll leave that for another day. – I am hanging out next to what I presume
is the fire that Walnut has built for us. KATE: Because she has Survival.
AMY: Of course. JERRY: Mmhmm.
KATE: And I am… I am telling her a story
about a constellation, that I may or may not have made up, straight up above us.
AMY: So what’s it called? KATE: It’s called the Soup Ladle. AMY: Soup ladle…
KATE: Yeah. JERRY: (laughs) KATE: It is–it’s the Soup Ladle constellation. It’s–It has a whole mythology
around it that I won’t bore you with. AMY: Oh. Well…
KATE: Except… KATE: I totally will. And I do. AMY: OK. JERRY: (laughs)
KATE: I bore you to tears. I tell you about this
constellation. But you… You are so fascinated by me. (laughs) JERRY: Coriander does whatever you
assume the horse-equivalent of a sigh is. KATE: Yeah. It’s just a sigh, probably. KRIS: I become —
KATE: (sighs like a horse) KRIS: very interested in this, because we had these,
you know, in the Underdark, but for stalactites. KATE: Really?
KRIS: Yeah. KATE: What?
KRIS: Where we would name KRIS: certain configurations…
JERRY: Get out of town! KATE: No, that’s super cool.
Don’t joke. That’s awesome. KRIS: Yeah. We had the Pointy One. KATE: Uh huh.
KRIS: The Pointier One. – Yeah. The Smoother One. KRIS: The Small Pointy Ones Near Each Other.
KATE: Yeah. KRIS “The Sisters,” we call them.
KATE: Ah yes. Yeah. RYAN: (laughs) KRIS: Yeah.
KATE: Yeah. That’s beautiful. I had no idea. – They fell down. A lot. KATE: Yeah. Well these do too.
KRIS: But they always been the most beautiful. KRIS: Really?
KATE: Yeah. All the time. KRIS: (shudders)
KATE: Yeah, that’s disgusting. – Yeah that’s uncomfortable. KATE: Yeah.
KRIS: I don’t like that. – That’s a long way to fall. – So he is relating this tale of the
Underdark constellation-equivalent. You think it is NOT as good (laughter)
but it is probably fine for them. – A lot of artful languages like, like from our distance you can see
a silhouette, and I’m like going, “It’s big and pointy like this tall! Really pointy.”
KATE: (laughs) “And this one was wide! But then not so much pointy.”
KATE: (laughs) KRIS: “This pointy!”
JERRY: Bulbous! AMY: Walnut was listening to
Rosie because she’s like, “Oh yeah, I have to respect her. Cuz,
you know, she’s…you know, a grandmother.” But, you know, as soon as
K’thriss starts talking, Walnut’s just like… “FUCK!!!”
KATE: (laughs) JERRY: But as you’re relating this… these tales to Walnut, and you’re looking up, you’re
talking about the Soup Ladle, and it’s just a game. It could have been a game that
you played with your father. KATE: Mmhmm.
JERRY: Just making up… just creating sort of mnemonics for — you know, ways to sort of rein in
the stars and understand them. And your eye just sort of passes over–
idly over the Homeward Star, and it is unlike you remember it. AMY: Uh oh. So you might have recalled… At this point it’s difficult
to hear anything else. You can recall when you
were in the Test Market, Acquisitions Incorporated’s
clearly broken test facility, there was always a guttering star at the tip — and that matches the real… that matches the true… constellation.
KATE: Mmhmm. JERRY: There’s always a blink
and a twinkle at the end. That star is completely missing. KATE: Hmm. JERRY: In the sky. KATE: Unprecedented. JERRY: This is not a thing that happens.
KATE: OK. JERRY: And what’s more, the next star in… it forms a sort of a… like a crossbow-shape almost. Where It goes flat and then
sort of curves out like this. The tip is now gone. And the star that makes the
next part of the crossbow itself… is ruby red. KATE: OK. – So in the course of telling
this constellation story and listening very politely to the Drow who wants to tell me about the pointy rocks, KATE: I start…
JERRY: Which are the best! KATE: The best pointy rocks.
KRIS: They’re more of them than you think. (laughter) – I know they say there a lot of stars but… – We have quite a few
selection in the Underdark. JERRY: Come a little closer and take a seat. KRIS: Yeah.
(laughter) KRIS: Get comfortable.
KATE: OK. – So I start to point and to tell
Walnut about the Homeward Star… story that I have, but then
I notice this abberation and it spooks the hell out of me. JERRY: Yeah it’s broken. Like it’s broken.
KATE: I’ve lived… KATE: here on this plane of existence for 120 years, that star has never been this way. JERRY: No it’s for…this is how
you know how to get home. KATE: Yeah, so now it’s just gone. And so, without explaining,
you guys have no idea why, but I just start to kind of freak out. Because I realize, inside, I don’t
know how to get home anymore. And that’s been the one thing,
that no matter — whether I was at the monastery
or I was back in in Hundred Years Lake or
wherever I was living. I always knew how to
get exactly where I was — how to get home from where I was, anywhere. And I can’t, so I’m just kinda
losing my shit a little bit right now. KRIS: Do you relate this to us,
or are you gonna keep it private? KATE: It’s kinda li–I don’t know if I can explain
to you guys what the significance of it is because I don’t know if you guys care
about the stars as much as I do. RYAN: Nope.
(laughter) KATE: Don’t care about this exposition, at all.
RYAN: Not even a little bit. (laughter) AMY: I think Walnut would use it for
navigation purposes because if you’re JERRY: Survival!
AMY: out in the woods. Yes like survival stuff. KATE: So maybe–can I…? Like —
AMY: Yes. AMY: Can I roll a Survival check to see if
I know about this or something like that? JERRY: What–If…
KRIS: Yeah what would the… AMY: It was a 19, with a +5. So like 24. KATE: So I’m just gonna–I will just point
straight up into the sky wordlessly. AMY: (laughs)
RYAN: (startled sound) KATE: I’d just look at you and
be like, “Does anything…” JERRY: Oh like not to lead?
KATE: Right. KATE: “Anything look weird?” AMY: Would I know anything with a 24? JERRY: Oh absolutely. AMY: Oh OK.
JERRY: Homeward Star, again, it’s not…It’s not like the first choice. AMY: Right.
JERRY: There’s a cultural aspect to it. AMY: Sure, sure, sure. I figured. JERRY: This is going to be
the one that you use… this is like, “Always. This is the way.” And then basically the second tier, sort of the insider…survival…mysticism…Right? There’s this other tier of
meaningful constellations. And it’s busted. The front half of it, the part that everything
else is pointing toward, is…the tip of it is gone and then the color has been altered farther up.
KRIS: I see — RYAN: Mazel Tov. KRIS: I see you kind of gibbering and pointing…
KATE: Mmhmm. JERRY: (chuckles)
RYAN: Get it? KRIS: And then I go, “Oh, no, no!” “They don’t fall down that often down there.”
KATE: (laughs) KRIS: “They’re actually really, incredibly sturdy.” JERRY: They’re so sturdy!
KRIS: “There are rocks that are…” KRIS: they’ve been there for thousands of years.
RYAN: Homeward Star…there’s three of them. KATE: I ca–
RYAN: One’s voiced by Michael J. Fox… KATE: I cast you this exact look. KRIS: And I go… KATE: (laughs)
KRIS: Like I’ve provided comfort. AMY: I want to go up to Rosie and I’m gonna be like, “I know that that’s wrong.”
KATE: “Yeah.” AMY: “But there’s nothing we could do from down here.” “And it’s just another thing wrong with this world.” KATE: Hmm… (stammers) If… This is to me an indication that we are not in the same plane of existence
that I’ve always lived in. So my sanity might be
splintering a little bit? Just…just a touch. Like imagine you looking up
and just like Jupiter is gone. That’s how Rosie’s freaking out right now. AMY: Hmm. KATE: Yeah.
RYAN. Hmm. KRIS: Hmm. KATE: OK. So…
KRIS: I’m gonna choose to treat it as good news. (laughter) KRIS: I’m gonna keep an open mind about it.
RYAN: So the inn didn’t deposit us in the right reality? KATE: Some day…Yeah. Maybe like the parallel universes
got shifted or something. I don’t know, but I’m shaken by it, and I’m gonna just try to go
sit by myself and go to sleep. AMY: OK. KRIS: I go to bed as well, with a little whistle on my lips. RYAN: Yeah.
(laughter) KRIS: On the right track, is what I think. KATE: Everything is going great.
JERRY: It just feels good. It feels good. JERRY: So real quick; before
you guys break camp, I just wanna make sure everybody
knows what their abilities do and that the Shadow Council in the chatroom can modify rolls and grant
cool abilities to players. Donaar has used to great effect
his Draconic Entitlement. Where your upbringing and status
allow you to intimidate foes and establish your place
in the pecking order. It also seems to lead into
a performance art thing? RYAN: Yeah.
JERRY: At the table which obviously I endorse. Grandmamancy allows Rosie
to exert the Grandma Force. She can disappear in plain
sight and manipulate people. The Tentacular Spectacular
has also been very enjoyable. A tendril of maddening chaos-stuff erupts. You then try to control it with your Arcana skill.
KRIS: Can’t. (laughter)
AMY: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. KATE: Can’t do it.
RYAN: Can’t stop. Won’t stop. JERRY: And then we have
Forest Friends obviously, as well. AMY: Hmm. Or as I like to call it,
The Small Animal Blender. KATE: (laughs)
JERRY: Exactly. Exactly. Snacks! JERRY: Snacks.
AMY: Snacks. AMY: Snack Attack. JERRY: But the–yeah yeah, just wanted
to make sure that everybody knows players and Shadow Council that those
things are available to mess around with. AMY: I’m ready.
KATE: Cool. KATE: Cool beans.
JERRY: Mmhmm. KATE: OK.
KRIS: Let’s mess with them. RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: Alright. KRIS: OK so we break camp. Get underway.
KATE: Yup. Get back on that cart. JERRY: Yeah. RYAN: I toss and turn during
sleep cuz I miss my egg. (laughter) KRIS: Bad night.
RYAN: Yeah, I had a bad night. JERRY: Tell us about the dream that you have. RYAN: It was like–there was like a carton. And then I open it, and there’s no eggs in it. And I get really upset. (laughter) RYAN: And I go, “What does it mean?!”
(laughter) “We gotta–Guys, we should probably go back.” “I got a bad feeling about little Eggy.” JERRY: You love the eggs.
RYAN: Little Eggo. JERRY: The Eggzors?
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: I’m like, “How much do
we really know about her?” “Do we think she’s gonna
be OK with that egg?” KRIS: What if she misplaces it?
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: She goes into the stuff she cooks with.
RYAN: “Did I tell her to kiss it three times?” RYAN: “I can’t remember.” JERRY: How many times?
RYAN: How many times… JERRY: Was it two?
RYAN: “Let’s go back.” (laughter) KATE: I don’t go back.
RYAN: Let’s stop being adventurers. KATE: No…I go forward.
JERRY: Yeah. RYAN: Let’s talk about stars more.
JERRY: Exactly. RYAN: No? OK. (laughs) AMY: (laughs)
KRIS: Cuz that matters. KRIS: While my child is out there.
RYAN: Yeah. Dying! KRIS: Yeah.
RYAN: I mean, I don’t know. JERRY: From insufficient kisses. It’s a disease. JERRY: Anyway, morning breaks. Coriander is ready to roll. KATE: Alright.
AMY: As much as Coriander is ever ready to roll. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(laughter) JERRY: Ready adjacent. KATE: Alright. You all ready? JERRY: Mmhmm. AMY: Positions.
KATE: Let’s move out. JERRY: Yeah, indeed. So… Classic scenario: You’re driving up on the cart. You’re on top the craft. AMY: Walnut’s a top.
JERRY: Right (laughs) KATE: She so is. JERRY: And boys are in the back? RYAN: Mmhmm.
KRIS: In town. JERRY: Yeah, yeah.
JERRY & RYAN: (laughs) KATE: The boys are in the back in town? AMY: ♫ The boys are in the back in town ♫
KRIS: That was before the A&R guy KRIS: told them to edit it down a little bit.
RYAN: Yeah. (laughs) JERRY: ♫ Boys are in the back in town! ♫ (laughter) KRIS: I think it flows better!
No, no. Change it. JERRY: No, no.
RYAN: This used to be about the music, man! (laughter) JERRY: This is for my art! JERRY: So you get back on the main road. Pass the occasional cart. It’s not really the… Still Spring. Still a bit mucky. It isn’t the time that the real heavy
trade starts to go back and forth. So it’s a pretty…it’s a pretty easy ride. Occasionally you gotta get out and push Donaar, but for the most part it’s fine. You reached the point that you have marked on the map for the Doomgate Inn. The Doomgate Inn is a bit off the Long Road.
KRIS: Hmm. JERRY: It’s not really part of a town.
It’s just sort of a way house. Another place to stop, you know, that never had the additional support to grow into something like a Red Larch. Who knows why. Who knows what it is about this… damned place. Well as you come up upon
the road that leads up, sun beginning to dip past the hills, you can see a couple reasons why a town did not flourish around this inn. The first is the torches topped with green flame. AMY: (sucks in breath) Sorry.
(laughter) AMY: It’s instinctual. (laughs) JERRY: It was–it was for you,
Walnut. It was for you. AMY: I can like feel the
energy of chat right now. JERRY: Exactly. Torches…
there is an emote for this. Torches that line a path, that winds up sorta between two hills that come together. And just there in the middle distance
you see something that looks like… an evil cake! RYAN: Hmm.
JERRY: It is stacked up tall… It would be a rich, chocolate cake. The red velvet of the interior curtains… maybe those are the cherry.
Maybe it’s German chocolate? KRIS: Wow.
RYAN: Oh that is evil. JERRY: You know what I mean?
KRIS: “What an inn!” JERRY: Exactly. But there is a… there’s actually a… iron gate down, that separates
this path from the main road up. And there is a wrought sign
to the left of it that says, “The Doomgate Inn” “Accepting Visitors Every Sundown” KRIS: Hmm. OK.
RYAN: Ah… AMY: Yeah.
RYAN: Some Dusk til Dawn… AMY: Not vampires…
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: That’s what it says underneath…
JERRY: There’s a tiny sign attached — JERRY: No. There is no tiny sign attached.
RYAN: Oh. AMY: OK. KRIS: No, it’s like the No Vacancy, but it says, “Vampires” and “Not” is lit. RYAN: Oh! (whew)
KRIS: So it’s ok. JERRY: Sometimes! AMY: Sometimes it is vampires. And that’s OK.
RYAN: While the sun’s up, it says “Not.” KRIS: You let me know when that sign
goes off, and we’ll get out of here. JERRY: Exactly. But the sun’s final rays are shooting past the house and down through these hills. And then the moment it dips past, there is a click inside the gate. and it creaks open. AMY: Hmm. KRIS: Just in time. JERRY: (extended creak sound)
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: (whimpers) KATE: Thank you. RYAN: It’s like I’m there. JERRY: (laughs)
KATE: I feel transported. KATE: Are you into vampires?
Like as a darkness boy? AMY: They never die. KRIS: I mean I’m into it as — like that part is troubling… but this atmosphere is welcoming to me.
JERRY: (laughs) AMY: I don’t like it. KATE: Mmhmm.
KRIS: And they obviously, you know, done the best they can with what they got. If I had to live forever
I guess I’d probably be… Try to arrange my surroundings…comparably. KATE: OK.
KRIS: So I’m interested to spend KRIS: some time around them.
KATE: Yeah? You’re vibing this place? JERRY: Yeah so he doesn’t
want to yuck their yum. JERRY: I mean it’s basically it, right?
RYAN & KRIS: Yeah. AMY: I was just gonna say, like they’re one brand of
mall goth, and you’re like another brand… (laughs) RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. JERRY: It’s like this–No, it’s like the goth
and then it’s like the steampunk goth… RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: Right. AMY: Oh no…
JERRY: It’s like… JERRY: I can see it from here, right?
But it’s not my culture… KRIS: Is it like…is there like the… the decor like…like gothic? Or is it like a–sort of that beautiful… KRIS: like uh…
AMY: Opulent. KRIS: androgynous kind of… like that…the sexual
vampire from True Blood. AMY: Oh yeah.
JERRY: Right now it’s honestly a little try-hard. PARTY: Oh… KATE: Really?
JERRY: Yeah. RYAN: Hmm.
KRIS: OK. KATE: So they over–it’s ostentatiously gothic?
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: This is what gives it the “baked good” vibe. PARTY: Mmhmm. JERRY: It’s a little too round…
KRIS: Yeah. JERRY: at some of the edges. AMY: OK. KATE: Too round…
JERRY: Yeah… JERRY: It’s a little too Safeway cake. KRIS: Right. Like Hostess Vampires.
KATE: Ugh. RYAN: Hmm. AMY: Whoa, whoa. whoa.
Don’t drag the good name of Hostess (laughter)
AMY: into this vampire business. KRIS: Sorry. KATE: OK. KRIS: OK.
AMY: Well. Let’s go on up. JERRY: Yeah exactly, it’s vampire cake house as done by Little Debbie. KRIS: I’m excited on the approach, and as we get close to filling
some of those details, I just (scoffs) JERRY: (laughs) Exactly! KATE: Excitement drains out of you?
KRIS: “Great…” KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: Each time you pass one of the
torches, just a gout of green flame… just hungrily…leaps! KRIS: OK.
RYAN: Ooo. KATE: I double-check the map —
RYAN: I say, “That’s cool.” JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: but this definitely is the right Doomgate Inn? JERRY: (stutters) JERRY: It could be a franchise for all you know.
KATE: Sure. JERRY: I mean this might be an experience they
try to deliver all over Faerûn, for all you know. KRIS: I look at you and I go like this… which is the Drow jerk off motion. (laughter) AMY: This?
JERRY: Which is this right here? KATE: Yeah, that makes sense to me.
RYAN: I go, RYAN: “I’m full, no thank you.” KATE: I’m full. Trying to quit.
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: “I…I already ate. I’m good.” (laughter) RYAN: I don’t know what you’re
offering. I’m just like “Neh.” RYAN: “Pass.” KRIS: You’re not really listening either.
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: “Yeah OK, no.”
RYAN: “Nope.” RYAN: “Look at these torches. These torches are cool.” “Did you see what color they are?”
KRIS: (sadly) “Yeah…” JERRY: You make a note of that at all?
RYAN: Yeah! KRIS: (sadly) “Yeah…” JERRY: Absolutely. Well —
RYAN: “Look at the flame.” JERRY: Indeed. So as you… as you approach the Doomgate Inn proper, a very pale, sort of disaffected entity
of wholly ambiguous gender… AMY: Just the way I like them.
JERRY: opens the door. KATE: Tight. JERRY: And then slowly ushers you in. KRIS: Hmm. AMY: As we’re on our way in I say, “We
are here to see the Vespertine Order.” JERRY: The bellperson…
AMY: Mmhmm? JERRY: closes their eyes and nods gently. AMY: Mmm.
RYAN: Hmm JERRY: It’s exhaustion. Mono.
I mean you don’t know. AMY: (laughs) Oh? Mono? AMY: I got, “Uh…could you take us…to…” and I hold up the missive. and I go, “We’re here.” “Obviously, you know who we’re with. K?” JERRY: The brand speaks for itself.
AMY: Yeah. – I’m pointing to the thing
and I point to my own… AMY: my own little badge.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: Your Documancer’s seal?
AMY: My Documancer’s seal. – And I say, “We need to
be taken to…you know,” “whom we’re here to help.” JERRY: Right.
AMY: “The Vespertine Order.” – Eyes closed, deep nod… – “Away to me, pig.” (laughter)
RYAN: “Uh yeah. Hurry up there, Lurch.” – The door is open and you can see
that there are other people inside. – Mmm OK. – Also pale. Also exhausted. AMY & RYAN: Hmm. AMY: Hungry for human blood…
JERRY: Milling about… – Yeah! A dark thirst. JERRY: You have no idea about the thirst.
AMY: OK. JERRY: You don’t don’t want to assume.
AMY: They’re thirsty but we don’t know what kind. JERRY: (laughs)
RYAN: Yeah. – You don’t wanna–They’re parched.
They need electrolytes. KATE: Our boy’s named…
Surbin…Blood-Drinker? Is that correct? Is it Sermin–Sermin? JERRY: You’re looking at the document itself?
AMY: Yeah! JERRY: Sombar Blood-Drinker.
AMY, KATE, & RYAN: Sombar. KRIS: Hmm. RYAN: ♫ They call me Sombar! ♫” KATE: K. KRIS: You know, it is a vampire name. JERRY: (laughs) Actually you know, looking around…
AMY: Now! AMY: Now.
JERRY: Hey. KRIS: I know, but I mean, could
be by marriage or something… AMY: That’s true.
KRIS: It could be a vampire name. KATE: Like you’re surrounded by all
these like pale, hungry looking things; you’re like, “You know what? Could be vampire.”
RYAN & KRIS: Yeah. AMY: Huh.
RYAN: “You know what? Second thought: should have bought that garlic.” (laughter) JERRY: Lots of it.
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Organic. You want those fragile oils. RYAN: (nervous noise)
JERRY: You know what I mean? AMY: Alright so do we see anyone that looks
likes they could be, you know, top pale… JERRY: Yeah, yeah.
AMY: close-to-human person? JERRY: You see various modes of dress. And you can sort of find–you can find among them the person most likely to be a concierge… AMY: OK great.
JERRY: class! JERRY: I’ve written up all the concierge class notes…
RYAN: Hmm! JERRY: Obviously if you would
like to create a concierge… KRIS: Your homebrew. JERRY: Yeah, exactly. I’m only up to
level 20 on the abilities, but… AMY: Only?
KATE: Why multiclass? JERRY: You can always take a level of concierge. You can take a level of concierge, sommelier…
KATE: Yeah. RYAN: Ooo. JERRY: Like, I’m expanding…the meaning!
KRIS: That’s nice. KRIS: That’d be worth it.
JERRY: Right. RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: But —
KATE: I’d be a “momcierge.” JERRY: In any case…
AMY: I go right up to them. JERRY: Inside to the right
is clearly the main desk. To the left is an exhausted person who you think is prepared to assist you. AMY: So I go up to the…
exhausted service person. I go–again, I go, “We got this missive. We’re here to help –” JERRY: About halfway through,
the eyes close and there’s a nod. AMY: (deep breath)
JERRY: (laughs) AMY: Walnut hates this SO much!
RYAN: I’m already at 9! KATE: (laughs) KRIS: This is the front door.
RYAN: This is the goddamn inn all over again. JERRY: But it’s OK. JERRY: They remove themselves — they sort of decouple themselves from their station and take you out through the main
area which is a sort of lounge. There’s a small bar over to the right.
AMY: Mmhmm. KRIS: Hmm. But you can see the interior
structure of the venue is thus: there’s a large sort of double
stair that goes up in the front, and then sort of behind you are
two smaller staircases that go up. But they all attach to a single upper area. Off which is the rooms of the Doomgate Inn. And apparently there’s
some kind of event space… RYAN: Hmm.
KRIS: Hmm. Kind of tasteful. – up the main section
here in the beginning. – Hmm. OK. AMY: So he’s taking us…
JERRY: Yes, yes, yes. It takes a long time… – Oh. To get there. JERRY: But —
AMY: So we’re up in the gallery. – Yeah, exactly. But… eventually this person is able to
get you all the way to the landing. And you can see to the right of the double
doors that lead into the next section, AMY: Mmhmm.
JERRY: you can see… a statue of a man holding a goblet. – Sure. – But there is a constant flow of red wine… KRIS: Hmm. – flowing out of the cup AMY: Oh, yeah…
JERRY: and then down into a… – a communal bowl, and
then sort of cycling through… AMY: Sweet, it’s like Bacchus’s house. Awesome. KATE: Is there a glass? I’d like to sample the…
JERRY: There is not a glass. JERRY: At this time.
AMY: Like that’s ever stopped Rosie before. JERRY: (scarfing food noises)
KATE: Yeah that’s true. RYAN: Cup them hands. KATE: That’s true.
KRIS: Like is it for show? Or are we getting a little whiff? KRIS: Are we getting a little
coppery whiff off of it? RYAN: Yeah, can I get —
KATE: I’m just gonna taste it. RYAN: I was gonna say, can I Perception? Alright. Tasting’s probably more perceptive.
KATE: Yeah, I don’t care. JERRY: By mouth?
RYAN: Yeah. AMY: You gotta eat a
peck of dirt before you die. KATE: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. (laughs) AMY: That’s what my grandma used to say.
KATE: People eat 27 spiders — KATE: adults, throughout their lives. KATE: So…may as well.
AMY: True. JERRY: Spider wine.
RYAN: A month! JERRY: So delicious.
AMY: I hope to eat 27 TODAY. JERRY: No, a NIGHT.
RYAN: Yeah. (laughter) JERRY: It’s just a fucking —
AMY: Every one night. JERRY: It’s just a train of spiders right in the mouth —
RYAN: A train of spiders and ants… KRIS: It’s like an RDA thing,
“Well good night everybody.” (laughter) JERRY: Well no, if you want to
get them all in you gotta start — KRIS: Oh yeah, yeah. JERRY: you gotta start at 11.
KATE: Be proactive. RYAN: That’s on average.
Cuz some eat way more. AMY: Alright, so we make
our way past this door. JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: No, I’m gonna try the wine! AMY: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I’m building up to it!
KATE: OK, OK. AMY: Walnut’s holding this
thing out like, “HELLO?” KATE: (laughs)
AMY: “Someone in here. We’re here to help!” JERRY: Yeah, exactly. So you’re tasting wine?
KATE: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: Give me…
KATE: (slurps) JERRY: a Perception.
RYAN: Alright. KATE: 21.
JERRY: Just a Wisdom check. JERRY: Yeah, there is a
note in it you can’t place. KATE: Mmhmm. JERRY: You don’t think that–
you don’t think it’s…human blood. KATE: OK.
KRIS: (exhales in relief) KATE: (whew!)
AMY: Dog blood. RYAN: It’s poison. RYAN: This is a cult. They’re gonna —
(laughter) this is a Heaven’s Gate thing.
And you just drop dead! AMY: Oh Doomsgate! I get it.
JERRY: And you just became a new member. KATE: Yeah, so here’s the thing — JERRY: Already you begin to feel
your thoughts are not your own. KATE: OK. Great. That’s how I like to party. (laugher) KATE: I…so I don’t taste human blood but the problem is, that
doesn’t reassure me at all, cuz none of us are human! KATE: So does it…
AMY: That’s true. KRIS: Oh yeah… KATE: (laughs)
KRIS: We don’t know… KATE: Yea, it’s just not–I’m not like (whew!) AMY: Does it taste like my blood? AMY: That I know from drinking a lot (laughs)
RYAN: Yeah, should we all taste our own blood? (laughter) AMY: You should taste my blood!
RYAN: Rosie! Drink our blood! RYAN: We’re worried about
vampires. Drink our blood. AMY: Could you do a double-blind taste
test? It’s like the Pepsi challenge. JERRY: But for blood.
AMY: But for blood. KRIS: The other vampires
are coming , “What’s this?” (laughter) KATE: “A double-blind…!” JERRY: (accented vampire voice)
“What is this new flavor?” JERRY: No. KATE: Alright. Cool. But does it get me fucked up? RYAN: Oh yeah. JERRY: You’d probably have to
drink more to really keep it going. KATE: Alright.
JERRY: It’s up to you on how you wanna — JERRY: how you wanna present yourself.
KATE: Alright, no. I’ll come back to it. KATE: I’ll come back to it. KATE: Let’s do some work.
RYAN: Drinking on the job? AMY: Yeah, we’re on the job.
RYAN: We’re here to…do a thing. KRIS: Gauche.
AMY: Yeah, we’ll thieve on a job but not drink. JERRY: Your–Exactly, yeah, yeah. And rob!
KATE: (laughs) AMY: Rob’s a strong word. JERRY: And pirate!
AMY: OK. JERRY: So —
KATE: Borrow indefinitely. JERRY: Your host pushes the doors open. Inside you can see… It’s like a camurria type thing. Like it’s vampire… it’s vampire chic. PARTY: Hmm. JERRY: Draperies.
KRIS: Oh yeah. KATE: (laughs) JERRY: Statues…
AMY: Mmhmm. JERRY: of various kinds…
KATE: Oh yeah! JERRY: that emphasized the primacy
of the vampire over the living. JERRY: You know what I mean? KATE: Hmm. KRIS: Got it.
AMY: Hate this. JERRY: But there’s also a performance… sort of a light stage in the rear corner. And you can see three people sort
of preparing their instruments. JERRY: There’s an aesthetic here. There’s clearly an aesthetic! But…there’s also a band? JERRY: And —
KRIS: Is there clearly anaesthetic? KRIS: If we don’t wish to… KRIS: feel.
KATE: I wish not to feel any of it. JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Exactly. KATE: Let’s talk about these
statues for a second. JERRY: You need some anaesthetic.
KRIS: That’s what I’m saying. (laughs) KATE: There’s statues of
vampires…performing bites? JERRY: Yeah, oh yeah.
The bites–they’re doing a bite. KATE: Doing bites.
AMY: Don’t do a bite. KATE: Don’t…do a bite.
KRIS: Not yet… KATE: That’s the name of this quest. JERRY: But here so–but in… This is vitally important for defense specialists. JERRY: Like yourself.
KATE: Sure. JERRY: Inside here to the left… there is a sequence of
doors that go out on to a sort of veranda porch-type situation.
KATE: OK. JERRY: Out there to the
left and just inside here there are a few people milling about. So far you don’t feel like the event
has really reached critical mass yet. Also you didn’t see these people
come up through the gate. They did not come up with you.
They were already here, apparently. KRIS: K. KATE: People are allowed to arrive before we get there.
JERRY: Absolutely. JERRY: It’s not Pink. You know what I mean?
KATE: (laughs) That’s right, yeah. KATE: Exactly. So — JERRY: The party can begin prior.
KATE: That’s right. KRIS: Yeah. KATE: What are these–are these people
also sort of pale and hungry looking? JERRY: No, they seem vigorous. KRIS: Oh? RYAN: Ah.
AMY: Ah the fangbangers themselves. JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: The “fangbangers?” AMY: No…? KRIS: True Blood.
AMY: True Blood? OK. (laughs) KATE: Oh sorry, sorry. Sorry. AMY: Adventures of Sookie Stackhouse? KATE: I should have done my research. JERRY: So as you come in… your host, the person who brought
you up the stairs, says, “Sir.” And in the centre of this coterie, a thoroughly, profoundly velveted man… wheels floatingly in your direction. He says, (slow vampire accent) “Ah yes.”
RYAN: (laughs) JERRY: “Acquisitions…Incorporated.” KATE: (laughs)
RYAN: “You have a funny voice.” RYAN: I say, “You remind
me the inside of my cart.” KATE: (laughs) AMY: This immediately —
RYAN: “And I like it!” (laughter) AMY: I was gonna say this
makes Walnut not like the cart. RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: (laughs) RYAN: This makes me like him.
I tell him that. JERRY: It gets expanded. He says, “I suspect you
will want to make…preparations.” “We may have…unwanted guests.” AMY: “What kind of unwanted guests?”
KRIS: “Grand. Absolutely.” KRIS: “Whatever you can tell us about
our duties. And where we might best…” RYAN: “Collect our reward?”
JERRY: Exactly! KRIS: “Upon –”
AMY: “That’s gauche.” RYAN: “We’ll be getting it from you? I assume.” JERRY: “There are those who
find our…soirées…distasteful.” AMY: “Well I can see why.” JERRY: “And they constantly seek to interrupt…” “the natural order.” KRIS: Mmmhmm.
AMY: (restrained exhale) KRIS: “I know what that’s like.
And it’s bad. No one likes that.” RYAN: “I’m with you.
I’m with whoever’s paying.” KATE: I come up to Walnut and I’m like, “We can go. We don’t have to do this job.”
AMY: “No.” KATE: “There’s other jobs.”
AMY: “No, no! We’ll do it.” KATE: “OK.”
RYAN: “Yeah, this came from the home office.” AMY: “Yup. It’s fine.”
KATE: “OK. Alright.” KRIS: “It’s one night. What could happen” KRIS: “in a vampire house in one night?”
RYAN: I’m liking these guys more and more. RYAN: I just like hanging out with them.
KATE: (laughs) RYAN: I’m like, “I kinda like–
I’m picking up what he’s putting down!” RYAN: It’s the velvet. Draped in
velvet is what won me over. KRIS: Tooth care.
RYAN: Yeah, they got really pearly whites. RYAN. I’m like, “Me too.” JERRY: So you’re asking for directions. KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: And he says, “I did not hire specialists…” “to give…step-by-step directions.” KRIS: “Oh, of course not.
We understand that.” “But are you used to these interlopers
approaching from a given –” JERRY: “Constantly.” KRIS: “Oh just from all sides then.” JERRY: “24 hours a day.”
KRIS: Hmm. AMY: “Well maybe they have a point.”
KATE: “Quick question…” KATE: “What kind of interlopers?” “Is it human interlopers? Or
maybe a different species…?” JERRY: “It’s a mélange.” KATE: “Of course it is. Of course it is.”
RYAN: (giggles) KATE: Alright. KRIS: “Have you tried anything in the
past that didn’t work out for you?” “That we might be apprised of.” JERRY: “Other services…” “were not able to deliver the results.” KATE: So our reputation’s on the line. RYAN & KRIS: Hmm.
KATE: Great. JERRY: “Are you familiar with…” “Dran Enterprises?” AMY: “Oh!” KRIS: “Vaguely.”
KATE: “Uh…it rings a bell.” JERRY: “Dran Enterprises employees were paid…” “by the interlopers…
to join them…in an assault…” KRIS: (tsk tsk sounds) AMY: I’m like so damn bored.
JERRY: “on my foyer.” AMY: “Well we’re not like those
fly-by-night Dran Enterprises.” RYAN: “What about The Six? Have you
heard of them? I hear they’re cool.” KRIS: Do you just come out with it?
RYAN: Yeah! KATE: Here’s a guy I know.
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: “It may be…” “that I will be hiring The Six…” “for my next event.” RYAN: Hmm! RYAN: Info.
AMY: “Do you have their number?” (laughter) KRIS: What are you going to subcontract?
RYAN: Yeah! KRIS: No. We’re going to do this. AMY: Alright. No I just meant for later.
RYAN: You can just subcontract it out. (laughs) JERRY: You’re waved away with
some incredibly long fingers. KRIS: (impact sound) Ah. (laughter) AMY: (gags)
KATE: OK. JERRY: As you turn back toward the doorway, two more revelers enter the space. KRIS: Mmhmm. KATE: On foot?
JERRY: On foot. KATE: OK.
JERRY: Yeah, not as bats. RYAN: Yeah. Or trapezes! (laughs) (laughter) JERRY: Cirque du Soleil. They’d swing in…
AMY: A fine mist… RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: How do we know they’re not plain old bat?
RYAN: Hut! Hi! Ho! Hut! KRIS: Because they have a party hat on. (laughter)
AMY: Party bats. KATE: Now —
JERRY: Party bats! That’s it! KATE: Something about–
I love parties, I love… JERRY: Bats?
KATE: Bats! KATE: So this is–that’s all
I had to say! (laughs) (laughter) KATE: No, I’d like to go
enter parties and to kind of… fuck with the dynamic a little bit. So… JERRY: Oh sure.
KATE: This is something I’ve done my entire life. I just love…I love being at parties
and messing with things. AMY: Rosie? KATE: Rosie.
RYAN: Is this as Kate? RYAN: OK.
AMY: Oh yeah, I’m like… KATE: There’s–who’s Kate? AMY: Right.
RYAN: I thought we were breaking (stammer) RYAN: I thought this was just info. KATE: Here’s a little bit about me!
RYAN: Yeah here’s all about me, guys! KRIS: You ruin parties.
RYAN: I like fucking up parties! (laughter)
AMY: So don’t invite me to any! AMY: Or do.
JERRY: Check this! KATE: And my motivation for
messing with parties is just because I want people to have like
the best possible time! JERRY: Yeah. You want to
elevate the proceedings. KATE: Exactly. And I don’t want to be seen. So this is already a dark place, is just I’m comfortable in, I see parties happening. So I start to kinda like suss
out the social machinations that are going on between these people. When one person seems like they might
be casting glances shyly at someone else, KATE: I’ll make sure they like end up in a conversation.
KRIS: Oh… – So I’m darting around the room,
just like messing with stuff. Little puppet mastering because
that’s how I get my fucking rocks off. KATE: So that’s what I’m doing.
JERRY: Just pulling threads? – Yeah, yeah. – Dolly Levi. It’s a “Hello Dolly!” reference. JERRY: Yeah, yeah.
KRIS: You should watch it. It’s a great musical. AMY: (laughs)
JERRY: Exactly. KATE: Will do.
JERRY: So yeah… JERRY: So you tell me how you want
to satisfy the demands of this job? KRIS: I want to know — JERRY: It sounds like you want to work on the inside.
KATE: Yup. RYAN: Well yeah. I feel like we
need to assess the room, right? So we need to take inventory
of entrances and exits? KRIS: Right. KATE: Yeah we got the porch…the veranda…entrance.
JERRY: Mmhmm. KATE: And then the entrance we came into. Are there any windows or doors other
than that that we should know about? JERRY: Absolutely. Yeah, this — KRIS: All over the place!
RYAN: It’s one giant window! JERRY: The whole thing is all glass. It’s like that cathedral in California. So yeah, there are windows but
not windows with solid access… AMY: Mmm.
KRIS: Mmm. JERRY: on the east wall. The west wall is the
one that has direct access to the veranda. There is a sequence of 3 double
doors that sort of go out there. JERRY: Right now they are closed.
KATE: OK. KRIS: Mmhmm. JERRY: You might have to explore a
little bit more to figure out the rest of it. But like I say. The windows on the right
side don’t appear to have any access. The far wall here is completely solid except
for a door that goes back to a kitchen. A service type door.
KRIS: OK. KRIS: I want to know whether
or not the properties of Alarm… if it can determine… I mean I suppose I could look that up too.
JERRY: If it can it determine flavor? KRIS: Yeah, cuz I know I can sort by size. KRIS: And that’s not really…there’s
gonna be people coming in. RYAN: Put an Alarm up and as soon as–
Yeah, there’s vampires everywhere. RYAN: Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
(laughter) KRIS: No it’s like I know I can filter by
like humanoid or like small creature… JERRY: Yeah.
KRIS: If you come in as a bat, if you can… and if it’s some dude coming in, then I’m
assuming that’s, “Keep an eye on him!” JERRY: Yeah.
RYAN: Yeah like… RYAN: how many people are we expecting…?
KRIS: I don’t know if Alarm can…yeah. RYAN: You set Event Planner on this now. JERRY: Well yeah. There’s an event
planning opportunity, right? JERRY: You set an alarm
against unwanted intrusion. Choose a door, window, or area within
range that is no larger than a 20 feet. KRIS: Mmhmm.
JERRY: Yeah, as a cube. JERRY: Until the spell ends, an alarm
alerts you whenever a Tiny or larger creature touches or enters the warded area. KRIS: Right.
JERRY: When you cast the spell, you can designate creatures
that won’t set off the alarm. KRIS: Yeah.
AMY: Ta-da. JERRY: You also choose whether
the alarm is mental or audible. KRIS: Right. Jerry: It alerts you with a ping in
your mind if you are within 1 mile. This ping awakens you if you are sleeping. KRIS: Nice. JERRY: The audible alarm produces the
sound of a hand bell for 10 seconds. KRIS: OK. I mean from that it sounds like
I could sort by like beast or whatever. RYAN: Mmm.
KRIS: But… – I don’t know if I can sort by intent. Or somebody who’s… JERRY: No, no…
KRIS: It’s not like a metal detector. – No exactly. Well in some ways it is, I mean,
you’re basically… (stammers) JERRY: It’s tiny or larger creatures.
KRIS: Yeah. – And then you’re also
determining who WON’T set it off. JERRY: So those are the two rules you can establish…
KRIS: Right. OK. – to determine that volume of Alarmed space. KRIS: Yeah.
KATE: I think it’s a good idea. – I’ll do it but I don’t want to get a
headache, is what I’m saying (laughs) JERRY: (phone ringing sounds)
KRIS: If there’s a lot of people coming in… – and I gotta look at each one, I’m already… KRIS: I might as well just look at the door.
RYAN: I mean someone’s gonna have to post up RYAN: near a door, right? We can’t just mingle. KATE: I think we could probably
watch over the door, but maybe you can set that
on the edge of the veranda in case anyone comes up over the porch.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: That make sense?
KRIS: Yeah that makes sense, yeah. KRIS: Whatever looks like the most sneaky entrance.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: Yeah. RYAN: I think if watching the veranda’s
good, I’ll post up at the front door. KATE: Yeah, you’re large. RYAN: So we are assessing
this situation as: This is a vampire party and we’re
protecting them from vampire hunters? KATE: Maybe:
RYAN: Yeah. KATE & KRIS: Yeah. AMY: Walnut doesn’t want
to look at this anymore, so… (laughter)
AMY: She wants to… AMY: Just the idea of things
that are cheating death and the natural cycle of
things just sucks to her, and also all this opulence. So she wants to go back and
see if there is a servant’s entrance. RYAN: Well yeah, there’s a kitchen entrance.
AMY: Right there’s a kitchen so I’m assuming, AMY: I mean, they don’t have the people working… So…she wants to go. JERRY: Yeah you wanna examine that?
AMY: Yeah I wanna go examine and see if there’s a… JERRY: Absolutely.
KATE: Is that back downstairs? JERRY: Well here. So the door for the service
entrance is immediately at the back wall… AMY: Mmhmm.,
JERRY: of this. JERRY: I mean, as security,
you have the run if you wanna… AMY: I do.
JERRY: take advantage of the situation, go right ahead. – Yes, I wanna go check it out. – (clears throat) So you go through. Push–it’s one of these swinging doors
you could open with the tray, presumably. You can see a sort of simple… country kitchen, scaled up a bit. And there’s also a staircase here,
AMY: Mmhmm. JERRY: that goes downstairs.
KRIS: Hmm. AMY: OK. AMY: I’m gonna go down there.
JERRY: K. AMY: And I just toss right over my shoulder, I’m like, “Uh you guys have out here.” JERRY: (laughs) (gurgle sound) AMY: I hate it…I hate it.
JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: I just love the, “I don’t like (mutters)…
I hate it. I hate it!” (laughter)
KRIS: You can’t keep it under anymore. JERRY: You have to say it,
even if it’s just to yourself. AMY: Oh, absolutely.
JERRY: It just has to get said! JERRY: So you head around this backway,
head down this set of stairs, and there is, in fact, an exit that goes out the back of the entire Doomgate Inn.
AMY: Mmhmm. JERRY: And then there’s
another smallish kitchen here you think must serve the
downstairs lounge area as well. JERRY: But there is an exit here that goes
directly outside through this low kitchen. AMY: Hmm OK well…
KATE: Smart thinking. – Table talk: Are we ok posting out
away from each other? Or is that…? RYAN: (sighs) Well that’s the thing —
AMY: Do you just wanna do interiors at the doors? RYAN: Are we protecting the whole building RYAN: or just the room?
KATE: Just the party. RYAN: Yeah. KATE: But I think you can probably still watch
that entrance from the top of the stairs. AMY: Yeah, I’ll do that.
KATE: Just in case things pop up. AMY: So I’ll just be hanging out in the kitchen.
JERRY: Mmhmm. JERRY: Backroom? AMY: Mmhmm.
JERRY: K. JERRY: What are you looking at Donaar? RYAN: I’m thinking I’ll watch the main entrance. AMY: You look like a bouncer.
RYAN: As an imposing figure, yeah. KATE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. RYAN: And —
KRIS: I’d like to–Oh sorry. Go ahead. RYAN: And then–well yeah cuz you’ll be… JERRY: Basically by the…
RYAN: mingling and mixing within the crowd. JERRY: by the wine statue. RYAN: Yeah. And you’re kinda
watching the veranda-ish, right? KRIS: Yeah. Now another question for the DM.
JERRY: Mmhmm. KRIS: This is a…and I let
each of you know this part. Cuz this is a thing I haven’t done yet. So I will Alarm the veranda. And I’ll make it audible–do you all wanna hear it?
KATE: Mmhmm. RYAN: Yeah I feel like we should. KRIS: But I also can do Unseen Servant. Amy: Mmm.
KRIS: And it lasts for an hour. KRIS: If it lasts longer, ask your doctor. (laugher) And it lasts for an hour. It can’t do much. It is not visible. But…I’m asking could it keep watch over
some area and then it would come get me? KRIS: It has to stay within 60 feet of me,
JERRY: Yeah basically they can do — KRIS: so it just covers a lot more area.
JERRY: they can do light labor. Right? KRIS: Yeah, they’re not super strong. Like it can fold napkins or whatever. KRIS: It’s not a fighting creature.
RYAN: Like, for someone to get into this room, RYAN: like they have to get into the building, and then be escorted into
the room like we were, right? So like theoretically too, anyone who’s
going to come through the front door, like Jeeves is gonna catch first, right? KRIS: It’s gonna be…maybe
something for you to suss out. As opposed to, “let’s break
the doors down,” and…yeah. JERRY: Unseen Servants do stuff and
they more or less do stuff at your direction. AMY: There you go! Nice.
JERRY: It basically uses up your bonus action JERRYY: but they perform simple tasks
that a human servant could do, such as fetching things, cleaning,
mending, folding clothes, lighting fires, serving food, and pouring wine. JERRY: And then once you give the command —
RYAN: It’s gonna give you a backrub. JERRY: Yeah. Once you give the command
it performs the task to the best of its ability, and then waits for your next command. AMY: (laughs) That’s what I was doing. KRIS: Exactly the joke. After it does that… I say…
(laughter) So that you all can see it as well I’m gonna tastefully drape…a uh… JERRY: Some velvet?
KRIS: a velvet cloth… KRIS: over it so that it’s just this figure. AMY: (laughs) It just looks like —
RYAN: A ghost? KRIS: Yeah, a very soft ghost.
AMY: a little ghost? RYAN: A velvet ghost?
KRIS: Plush. Yeah. JERRY: That’s an incredible band name. RYAN: Yes, that was my nickname in college.
AMY: Soft Ghost? JERRY: Soft Ghost! #softghost
RYAN: Velvet Ghost? KATE: (laughs)
KRIS: It’s also a genre. JERRY: Yeah.
RYAN: Yeah. AMY: Alright.
KRIS: (stammers) I will have it… I don’t know. It could circle a perimeter. And then if there’s anything… JERRY: It’s sort of like a servant. So the best it
could do would be to come back and talk to you. KRIS: That’s all it could do, yeah.
That’s what I want. RYAN: Or laundry. AMY: Or laundry.
JERRY: Or, yeah, or laundry. RYAN: Or dry cleaning.
KRIS: If it has time. (laughter) KRIS: Use your best judgment.
Oh you have no judgment. JERRY: I know Thursdays are very busy for you.
KATE: (laughs) KATE: OK.
KRIS: Alright, so it’s out and about. KATE: I would like to make some observations, if I could, about the party-going members. JERRY: Mmhmm.
KATE: And you’ve told me that they were vigorous? And they are–I assume there are vampires
mixed in with them that are conversing with them? Is that a safe assumption? – Do you know a lot about vampires? – I mean, I have a History. I could do… I’m sure I read about them.
I spent a lot of time in libraries. So…they’re not that obscure, are they? – Well generally, vampires–
seeing actual vampires is not… that’s not normal.
KATE: That’s not common. JERRY: No. (laughs)
KATE: Sure. – No, no. Generally speaking if you see a
vampire, that’s usually the last thing you see. KATE: Right. OK, so —
JERRY: They’re incredibly powerful… subversions of life. KATE: OK. We’ll say “vampires” in quotes then.
JERRY: Yeah. – Can I just do some kind
of like studying the room… making notes of these people.
JERRY: No, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, just… JERRY: basically like extend your social awareness…
KATE: Yes. JERRY: out into the room? Sure.
KATE: Correct. Yeah. – And I wanna make sure that
if anything starts to disrupt what feels like a pretty jovial party, if I start to sense anything that’s
going on, I wanna be aware of it. JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: I wanna be… KATE: making my way around that room and
keeping an eye on everything that’s going on. JERRY: Absolutely.
KATE: OK. – There is a note… there is a note that you hear constantly. Even as you’re observing
just different conversations. You can tell they don’t really wanna
be surveilled in the classic sense. Like as you approach, it definitely
gets quieter, but you know, you’ve overheard a conversation or two… in your time. You know how to do this.
KATE: Sure. JERRY: (clears throat) A lot of them are worried that
Trevor will try to come back. KRIS: (laughs) RYAN: God. Story of my life, am I right? KATE: They’re worried about Trevor. AMY: Mmhmm.
KATE: K. JERRY: And of course when I say Trevor, I mean (slow vampire accent) “Trevor.” AMY: Mmm. KATE: OK. And is…
JERRY: It’s been a problem, I guess. KATE: OK. Is Sombar still in the room? JERRY: Absolutely.
KATE: OK. JERRY: Absolutely, Sombar…
he is in his element. KATE: OK.
JERRY: He’s just sort of… JERRY: flitting from tiny circle to tiny circle. And they seem to bloom every time he arrives. KATE: A butterfly. A vampire butterfly.
AMY: Vamping it up. KATE: Can I grab his attention
and just very casually… bring him to a part of the room where no can look?
JERRY: Sure, sure, sure. JERRY: “I can spare a moment.” KATE: “OK, all I need’s a moment.” “Can you tell me something about…Trevor?” JERRY: His eyes narrow. “Is he here?” KATE: “I don’t think so but it sounds
like people are worried about him.” “So I just wanted to get your take
on what this guy might bring for us.” JERRY: “You will know Trevor…” “when you see him.” KATE: “OK.”
JERRY: “He is not allowed in the party.” KATE: “Aww he’s a bummer, huh?” JERRY: “He’s Trevor.” KATE: (laughs) “Enough said.” RYAN: Description? Anything? (laughter) KATE: You’ll know him when you see him.
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: I need to start grabbing people. “Are you Trevor? Are you Trevor?” (laughter) Start yelling into the crowd. “TREVOR!” KATE: Alright. I do tell you about it. I’m like, “Hey. There’s someone named Trevor,” “maybe like don’t let anybody
who LOOKS like a Trevor…” RYAN: And we’ll “know”?
KATE: “into the party.” KATE: (laughs)
RYAN: Yeah, start asking–I gotta start carding. RYAN: That’s the thing, right? KRIS: Dude’s a total Trevor.
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: (stammers) As you have
extended your grandma-sense… KATE: Mmhmm. JERRY: to, you know, seize
all social data from this room, they mostly–they seem–they just seem…young. Stunted in some way. Never truly… Never truly becoming the whole people,
that you’d want, you know, in your own children. They seem to be sort of
stuck at a certain point. That’s your read of the room. KATE: OK, so they’re immature emotionally? Or…? JERRY: Yeah. (stutters) It sorta seems like
they’re wearing their dad’s coat or something. KATE: I see.
JERRY: You know what I mean? KRIS: Nouveau riche.
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Yeah. KATE: They’re just sort of awkward?
RYAN: Or once you get turned into a vampire, JERRY: Yeah.
RYAN: you’re stuck at that age. KATE: Uncomfortable in their own skin?
JERRY: Yeah, yeah exactly. Exactly. JERRY: So you can see… at your place at the top of
the stairs, the double stairs, you can see a figure reach
out and push the door in… and then sort of walk like — have you ever seen–it’s like… the way a person walks
when they’re trying very hard to project the idea that
they belong in a place? AMY: Mmm. – Like in the food court, you sort of (stammers) their presence
extends beyond their tiny table, yea, you know, unto…the China Express… KRIS: Is it like somebody taking
a loud business call somewhere? RYAN & JERRY: Yeah. RYAN: It’s like a Bluetooth
thing. Buy low sell high! JERRY: And you can —
(laughs) That’s the key, see! And so you can see that the servants… they sort of move in a half-hearted
attempt to stop this person and then they sort of curve
out into their own orbits. RYAN: Alright.
KATE: Did you let Trevor in? RYAN: Well…I see this so I approach him. JERRY: The closer this
person gets, the more clear it is that it’s not a person
in the classic sense. But is, in fact, a 6 foot tall, bipedal wolf.
RYAN: Hmm. AMY: Now we’re talkin’.
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: And I see a name tag. Trevor. KATE: (laughs) KRIS: It’s got a little accent above it.
AMY: I wish I was there. RYAN: Uh yeah. RYAN: I go — (laughs)
(French accent) Trevôr. KRIS: (French accent) Trevôr. JERRY: (laughs) Yeah, there’s like four R’s. AMY: Trevorrrr. RYAN: So it’s a bipedal wolf…in clothing…? JERRY: No.
RYAN: Oh, no? Just a big old naked wolf. JERRY: Just a big naked ass —
KATE: So you just literally, you let… KATE: a wolf just walk in.
RYAN: I didn’t LET anything in. He told me it happened! RYAN: I didn’t have a chance to stop it! I guess I could interrupt mid-sentence. JERRY: “Hey, hey! I don’t know
what the fuck you’re doing here.” RYAN: Yeah. Before you get
to that period, wait a second. Here’s what I do, I punch it
in the goddamn face! (laughter) And I bark at the moon! I go, “Hey, Wolfy!” “Can I help you with something?” JERRY: (slurred Southern drawl in gentle voice)
“Yeah. I’m just here to attend that there party.” JERRY: “They got a party goin’ on there, I just wanna –”
RYAN: “I dunno…You got an invite, friend?” JERRY: “Well I…” “My cousin…my cousin duh…my cousin
operates the Doomgate Inn…” RYAN: “I don’t believe any of this.” JERRY: “It’s a…I understand
there’s a party going on?” RYAN: “No…”
KATE: (laughs) RYAN: “Not for you, friend.” AMY: (laughs)
RYAN: I usher him out by the scruff of the neck. RYAN: Like, “I’m gonna have to see an invitation”
JERRY: “But he’s my cousin, I –” RYAN: “or you gotta go, buddy.
JERRY: “No, he’s my cousin, he’s gonna –” RYAN: “No.” JERRY: “I’ll tell him–I’ll tell him–!”
RYAN: I push and, “No! Push!” and I keep pushing. JERRY: (fast slurred Southern drawl babbling)
“Now Imma come back and Imma tell my cousin” “that a big goddamn
dragonman…push me out.” RYAN: “You’re gonna have to
keep your voice down, sir!” “Sir. You’re gonna have to
keep your voice down.” JERRY: You can–you just see the relief on the
servant’s face, as you take him just by the scruff… KATE: (whispers) Oh my God.
JERRY: and just push him straight out the door. JERRY: And is there a cap on the end of it? As you push him out into the night? RYAN: I just give him a little push, I close
the doors, and I (clap hands) a little hand dust. KATE: Nice.
RYAN: Turn around and go… (laughter) KRIS: On it!
RYAN: On it! KRIS: No worries. AMY: Bounced the shit out of that wolf!
KRIS: “Enjoy your party.” RYAN: “I got rid of Trevor!
Enjoy the party, everyone!” (laughter) RYAN: I killed Trevor. AMY: You’re just gonna stand there,
“Trevor’s dead, everyone.” RYAN: Trevor’s dead. I’m the best! Enjoy your night! (laughter) JERRY: Sponsored by Donaar Blit’zen! JERRY: So, you are… walking your way back up the stairs, and about halfway up you
hear the door swing open again. RYAN: “Goddamn Trevor.” JERRY: (stammers) Is that on your lips? RYAN: Yeah, oh yeah! I just go, “God, I told you, Wolfy.” JERRY: (clears throat) So you turn around, and it is not Trevor. RYAN: (gasps) JERRY: Yeah. DUN! DUN! DUN!!! KATE: (laughs)
RYAN: Thanks for the stream, everyone! JERRY: Peace out! JERRY: Yo it’s J Real! (laughter) JERRY: You turn down… JERRY: and there are three —
RYAN: For what? (laughter) AMY: Kill me.
KRIS: Let the adventure begin. JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: Please.
AMY: Kill me. KATE: Don’t high five him. (laughter)
JERRY: Whatever you do…! It’s like feeding him after midnight. RYAN: Yeah.
AMY: Truly, don’t high five him ever. JERRY: So, you see… a row of three figures enter in. Tall leather hats, short brims around the edge… KRIS: Mmhmm.
RYAN: Oh. Pilgrims. KRIS: Ugh.
KATE: Ugh gross. RYAN: Buckles…(laughs) JERRY: Rich brown leather coats. Stakes… AMY: Oh.
KRIS: Aww. AMY: Wait…
KATE: Meat? Or Wood? (laughter) RYAN: Medium rare. All the
way to rare, very rare. JERRY: Wooden stakes.
RYAN: Oh! AMY: Oh. KATE: (laughs) A steak salesman…
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: Beef. It’s like USDA Angus! You know what I mean? That’s the choicest cut! KRIS: Woo! Look at them cuts. RYAN: Where from? Vermont? (party talking over each other) RYAN: OK. JERRY: They make their way — RYAN: I say, “What did you do with Trevor?” “My sweet beautiful boy!” (laughter) AMY: You’re immediately worried? RYAN: Yeah, I’m immediately worried about Trevor.” KRIS: No you’re like, “If you guys are here for Trevor,
don’t worry I got rid of him.” (laughter) “I took care of it.”
RYAN: Ah… JERRY: They come in and
immediately start making their way up the stairs that you were halfway up.
RYAN: Well I stop them. I get in their way. RYAN: And I say, “What do you guys want?” KATE: Can we hear this? Can we hear him talking? JERRY: Right now you are assessing this… You are extending your grandma-sense…
KATE: OK. JERRY: and harvesting data.
KATE: Yeah. JERRY: K’thriss Drow’b? KRIS: Am I–we…uh…is my Unseen Servant is he like doing laundry or
is he actually useful? JERRY: He’s just doing a round.
KRIS: OK. JERRY: You basically want him
to sort of walk the perimeter, so in my mind that means
going up the backstairs…. KATE: This velvet ghost, just like…
JERRY: around this… JERRY: Yeah, this velvet ghost
just sort of trailing around. The party-goers are delighted
by the velvet ghost. KATE: (laughs) Of course they are.
RYAN: Hmm. RYAN: We’re gonna get extra for this one. JERRY: Yeah, this is definitely a value add. (laughter) KRIS: Oh a little delight! A little party trick! JERRY: Yeah exactly. The band’s not bad… The band is definitely executing a… you know, entirely endurable set.
KATE: OK. AMY: Oh! (whew) AMY: I was like, executing a…a human?
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Yeah, a big pile of them.
They’re stacked up. They’re just working through
them from the top to the bottom. KATE: Right. I can’t hear
Donaar confronting anyone? Am I too focused on the party? JERRY: Yeah, this is all sort of
happening around the same time. KATE: OK. OK. JERRY: But yeah, if it gets too loud, if any of these things get too loud here, we’re gonna start bringing
people in and communicating. KATE: OK.
JERRY: Right now you’re still in the kitchen, AMY: Oh yeah, I’m actually talking to the servants
JERRY: at the top of the stairs. AMY: about how they don’t
need to serve the bourgeois. KATE: Nice. RYAN: They need to seize the means of production.
KATE: Seize the means of production, yeah! JERRY: They’re all in here.
AMY, RYAN, & KATE: Yeah. JERRY: These knives… Right? Basically you’re waiting and then, you know what, every couple of minutes
you see this friendly, velvet ghost… cycling around. AMY: I’m just like, “Get me out of this –”
KRIS: And you let him — KRIS: You let me know if he’s not friendly. Cuz I’ll have a word with him. KATE: If he has an accident, I’ll clean it up. KRIS: Yeah. He’s trying.
AMY: Sounds fine… RYAN: I’ll hit him in front of everyone. (laughter)
AMY: (laughs) Jesus. KRIS: No, no, no, no, no. Not my sweet Velvet. (laughter) JERRY: So there’s three
of them here on the stairs. RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: And I…I just try to stop them.
JERRY: These stairs are wide enough… JERRY: for them all to stand…
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Like larger than shoulder-to-shoulder. JERRY: Like this is an impressive entrance here.
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: And I stand at the top —
JERRY: I want to emphasize JERRY: that what they’re doing is very cinematic. RYAN: Yeah. And I WIDEN
myself as much as possible! RYAN: And I say…
JERRY: Just try to catch them like this? RYAN: And I just say, “You guys got invitations?” – The left-most figure, from underneath the hat, you just sort of see a smirk. And they reach back and grab a bolt and load it into a crossbow from inside their coat.
KRIS: They’re all business. RYAN: Yeah. – And the one in the middle says, “You understand…” “what’s happening here, right?” “You understand that you are…” “protecting a coven of
vampires in their revels.” RYAN: “I don’t know anything
about that, buddy.” “Look I’m here to do a job and I’m doing
the job. You gotta beat feet. Alright?” JERRY: “Your job is in the service of evil.”
RYAN: “You have to beat –” RYAN: I start yelling louder,
“You have to beat feet!” KATE: OK. I’m not gonna come join you, because
I’m not imposing whatsoever, but I am gonna get very, very close to the door
and start eavesdropping on this conversation, and start maybe getting
some of my shit ready. JERRY: Yeah, yeah. To get you dialled in? KATE: I’m doing some stretches. JERRY: Yeah. I love it.
Just with the stick and just… KATE: Yeah exactly. Yeah, yeah.
JERRY: Alright. Just hand on. KATE: I’m creeping closer to
the door and I’m on the side where they can’t see me but I
can hear everything clearly now. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this
is about halfway down that stair. But he has raised his voice to the
extent that you could pick it up. KATE: OK.
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: I’m trying to make my authority known. Uh…no? Not quite. (laughter) AMY: Like can I? Nope, not there yet. KATE: But you have regular Intimidation right?
RYAN: Oh yeah. I got Intimidation and Persuasion. KATE: OK. AMY: So try it.
RYAN: I guess I should try now before things get… KATE: Yeah. I have good Intimidation too, I can help.
RYAN: before they get to a head. RYAN: Yeah, I’ll try…I’ll keep
along the line that I’m doing now. Like, and try to Intimidate them. AMY: Why be nice?
KRIS: Yeah, it’s your job, yeah. KATE: Yeah. All business.
RYAN: I’m a bouncer. KRIS: They haven’t been nice to you. KATE: Ooo.
RYAN: 20. 15 + 5. RYAN: My Intimidation is very high.
KATE: Yeah. JERRY: It is. AMY: High enough?
KRIS: Nice. KATE: Nice. KRIS: (whispers) No. Last week.
AMY: Oh sorry. KRIS: That’s not this time. JERRY: So you’re continuing in your quest?
KATE: Oh yeah. Bring that roleplay. RYAN: I’m just browbeating them and trying
to tell them they’re not welcome there. Invoking the authority… JERRY: Vested in you.
RYAN: that is… RYAN: Donaar the Dragonborn.
KATE: Yeah. RYAN: More important than
the three of them combined. How amazing I am.
JERRY: Right. RYAN: And then I name drop AI.
JERRY: Yeah exactly. JERRY: The figure on the left reaches into the top part of their cloak and pulls out a holy symbol and looks at your own
holy symbol and says, “A paladin in the service of vampires?” RYAN: “I don’t know anything
about any vampires.” KRIS: (laughs)
RYAN: “I haven’t seen any vampires.” “I just see a bunch of people
having a good old time.” “And you’re here to be a party pooper.” “And I don’t like party poopers.” KRIS: I see him…
RYAN: “Sir.” KRIS: up the stairs pull out that
holy symbol and I just think, “Oh. Party foul.” (laughter) JERRY: No… RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: That simply isn’t done. AMY: But then you look in your cloak and you’re like looking
at your own icon, like, “It’s nice, though.” (laughter) JERRY: It’ll do. It’ll do in a pinch. AMY: “I wish I could show it off.” JERRY: Your Alarm blares. KRIS: Oh ok. KATE: So this 20 didn’t do anything…
KRIS: So all of you also hear it. KATE: to those vampire hunters? His intimidation. JERRY: It might have affected one or more of them.
KATE: I see. JERRY: They certainly aren’t trying to murder him.
KATE: OK. JERRY: But it is at this moment that
your veranda Alarm goes off. KRIS: You all also hear it, but I’m gonna
go ahead and head over to the veranda. KATE: OK.
KRIS: Where it was set. KRIS: Is there any–like is it–
what’s the entrance way look like? KRIS: Are there curtains for me
to throw open dramtically? JERRY: Abso–if you’d like to.
I mean, right now they’re sort of… right now they’re sort of pulled a little bit
around each of those three double doors. KRIS: Oh I see, I see.
JERRY: Mostly in a decorative tie. KRIS: Sure yeah. Cleave right through that.
JERRY: Golden… JERRY: Yeah exactly (growls)
KRIS: That’s not gonna do anything! KRIS: No wonder they had
so much trouble here. JERRY: Yeah exactly. But yeah, the Alarm has gone out and between those cracks
you’re not able to — it’s not clear what’s out there.
(die clatters) KRIS: I tear open the curtains dramatically! JERRY: Yeah.
(laughter) KATE: The jig is up.
RYAN: That was a 1! RYAN: I strangle myself with the rope.
KRIS: I tie it a little tighter! KRIS: And then I try to look.
JERRY: You don’t see anything. KRIS: Oh? Uh oh. I don’t like that. Shoot. Awakened Mind isn’t gonna do anything
cuz I can only speak to visible creatures. OK. – You’re fucked! – “Me not like.” KATE: OK.
KRIS: I say to the… (laughter)
JERRY: To the rock? KRIS: It’s in my pocket. JERRY: It’s common?
KRIS: “Oh…me not like.” RYAN: Me no likey. – Any movement of the other curtains? Or they’re closed still? – All three of the doors are closed. RYAN: Reinforce them. (laughs) – Strange. RYAN: Was anyone out on the veranda? – Yeah, am I seeing even… RYAN: Like party goers?
KRIS: anybody actually here other than this Alarm? JERRY: No, no. The party has not
extended out to the veranda. RYAN: Alright. Lock the doors. KRIS: Hold on a second… Am I gonna get anything out
of Perception or Arcana? Why my Alarm would have gone off. Can I do an Arcana on that? JERRY: You know exactly why
because you literally created this spell. And then you know, ruby red spurs… launched from the sky and created a zone JERRY: Where…
KRIS: Oh yeah. JERRY: You know exactly why.
There’s no need to roll. KRIS: But OK I told it to find —
JERRY: Something is — KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: Exactly. You created a 20-foot cube volume… that ensconces this area. It has been tripped. KRIS: Let me see if I can perceive this person. It seems like there’s nobody here right now. (die clatters)
KRIS: (blows raspberry) That’s not gonna work. Uh yeah it’s garbage. It’s 11. Oh sorry. It’s less than that. AMY: Can I pop my head out
at this point and be like, “Thriss. What’s the deal? I heard the Alarm.”
JERRY: Ooo I like Thriss as a nickname. KRIS: I secretly also like it. But I don’t (stammers) Back to business. It’s like when Kanye thinks of
something funny. He’s like, “Haha…” (laughter)
And it’s real hard. “The Alarm went off but
I don’t see anybody out here.” “Even with my…low-light vision.” KRIS: Try with yours.
KATE: What do your Elf eyes see? KRIS: Maybe your Elven–oh I see.
I like that very much! KATE: (laughs)
AMY: Wow. You should write that down. KRIS: You play me for right now. KRIS: You’ll do an even better job.
AMY: So I’m assuming if I looked AMY: I wouldn’t see anything either, But if I did Detect Magic… could I sense the presence of
magic within 30 feet of me… I would see a faint aura around any visible
creature or object in the area that bears any magic. KRIS: Oh visible, though. KATE: Yeah, visible’s the trick.
JERRY: Yeah, visible’s the key. KATE: Yeah.
AMY: Hmm… JERRY: It doesn’t give you X-Ray vision.
AMY: Oh around any visible creature. I see. KATE: Is there any flour we could sprinkle?
AMY: But I’d still be able to sense if there was some magic going on,
I would know the school of magic. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’d know
there was something out there. AMY: Is there anything out there?
RYAN: Also the Alarm’s going off. So that tells that… JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. JERRY: We know that something’s out there.
KRIS: Actually you know what… JERRY: That part’s clear. KRIS: Faerie Fire would help here.
RYAN: Lock the door. KATE: What does Faerie Fire do?
JERRY: Yeah! RYAN: (garbled line)
JERRY: Hey! RYAN: “Would you lock the door?” I say–I go to the three guys. KRIS: “Oh I’m sorry what?” RYAN: I go to the three guys. I go,
KRIS: You just threw me… “You three look like vampires to me.” “And I don’t want to let you in here
to disrupt these nice people.” “I’m gonna turn my head right now…” “And if any of you fucking sucker
punch me, I’m gonna be so pissed off.” And I turn to the ver– And I say, “Lock the door! I hear the
Alarm in my head. Lock the door!” KRIS: OK.
KATE: Yeah, can we push tables up against the doors? KATE: To barricade them maybe? KRIS: I dunno, then we’d
wanna alarm the guests. AMY: No, we don’t wanna mess up the party.
JERRY: Yeah, I was gonna say that’s… KATE: Yeah, that’s a party pooper move. KRIS: We’re supposed to take care
of this…yeah, quietly. So Faerie Fire… JERRY: As quiet as possible.
KRIS: Yeah. Each object in a 20-foot cube within range
is outlined in blue, green, or violet light… My choice! KATE: Ooo.
RYAN: Cool. KRIS: Any creature in the
area when the spell is cast KRIS: is also outlined in light
KATE: (gasps) KRIS: if it fails a Dex saving throw. KATE: What?
JERRY: I’m ready. KRIS: Alright so… KATE: That’s tight!
KRIS: So go ahead and fail that throw. (laughter) KRIS: I go ahead and I do cast Faerie Fire. JERRY: K. KRIS: How we feeling about that?
KATE: Is it–your spell DC’s 13? Probably? KIRS: Yes…it is. JERRY: So…as you cast the spell, instantly you see a
source of light above the… Here’s the veranda here,
and you see the glow of it cast down from a higher position. KRIS: They’re in the ducts. KATE: OK.
RYAN: (quack quack) KATE: So they’re hovering —
(laughter) KATE: they’re flying above in
the night sky somewhere? JERRY: Basically they’re not on the veranda, JERRY: but they are above it.
KATE: OK. KRIS: Maybe on the roof,
KATE: On the roof? KRIS: or on the eaves or something. AMY: OK so do I see this?
RYAN: On the rough. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you’re looking out this
window, you can see that this is against the… KATE: It’s glowing.
JERRY: This light is shining against the… AMY: Alright. So then I look at K’thriss and I start doing hand signals. I’m like… RYAN: (laughs) Yeah…
(laughter) AMY: You. Here. Whatever. I don’t care.
(laughter) KRIS: (whispers) “Not now.” KRIS: “Alright. Later.”
AMY: But basically — AMY: But basically I say like,
“OK I’m gonna go up there.” And then at this point I would want to… AMY: Turn into my spider.
JERRY: Transform into the beast? AMY: I want to…
KRIS: Ooo. AMY: Wild Shape into the spider.
RYAN: (laughs) In the middle of the party. AMY: No, no! I’m gonna take it on the veranda. JERRY: I love this! I like this. AMY: And then I want to start —
RYAN: You don’t want to alarm anyone (hisses) KATE: They would probably be
way into it. Are you kidding me? If a spider starts walking
around a vampire party? AMY: Yeah, like with a tray.
KATE: Yeah. RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: If anybody’s upset I’ll just poke back in
and I’m like, “Enjoy friends! Enjoy!” JERRY: It’s their fault. AMY: You put a velvet thing on me.
RYAN: Put velvet on it. Yeah and they’d love it! (laughter) AMY: So I wanna turn into a
spider and I can just climb… JERRY: For you that’s a bonus action.
AMY: Right the hell up…Yeah. JERRY: So basically you
walk out onto the… AMY: Mmhmm. Veranda.
JERRY: You walk out onto the veranda, JERRY: close the door behind you (click) JERRY: and then…
AMY: (whispers) Transform into a spider. JERRY: transform into a spider. JERRY: Bulbous.
AMY: Mmm. RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Ready to work.
KRIS: Everything you wanted. KATE: Carapace…? JERRY: Exactly right.
AMY: Just shining and glistening and excellent. JERRY: And those blue-green lights are just glinting off of your bulbous abdomen. KRIS: (whispers) Oh yeah! AMY: She’s like a SENSUAL-looking spider. RYAN: It’s a thick spider. JERRY: It’s the full meal deal.
RYAN: Two C’s. Thicc. KRIS: I’m not a Lolth guy but… (appreciative sound) JERRY: You know? Hey! KRIS: Yeah I get it.
JERRY: You get it! You understand it. RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: (laughs) You’re not a Lolth guy. JERRY: But that’s exactly what
it is. So you go there, turn, and then immediately
just skitter to face up. And that is when she leaps. AMY: OK.
KATE: (whispers) She leaps! JERRY: So let’s get some Initiative. Just in case we need it. KATE: For everyone?
JERRY: Mmhmm. AMY: Y’all like when I just aggro
everything every game? Sorry about that. AMY: I’m like, “I’m gonna turn into an animal!”
JERRY: I love it! KATE: Leeroy Jenkins this shit.
AMY: 20! KRIS: Ooo. Lucky.
AMY: Wait. 23. JERRY: Goddamn, Walnut.
KATE: (gasp) 21. RYAN: 12. JERRY: Mmhmm.
RYAN: That’s better than my normal single digit. JERRY: Yeah!
KRIS: I’m gonna just take in the scene with a 3. (laughter) KATE: How did you even do that?
AMY: Jesus. KRIS: I don’t know…
KAT: What’s your Initiative bonus? KRIS: +2. I rolled a 1, yeah.
AMY: K’thriss takes a nap. RYAN: Oh God.
KATE: That is very bad. RYAN: Enemies always go before me.
KRIS: “Get her!” JERRY: Just savor it. Just savor it. AMY: Well you did the Faerie Fire. KRIS: Yeah. That’s true. KATE: You’re tuckered out.
KRIS: I’ve done (laughs) KRIS: I’ve done my part. JERRY: Straight down from the roof. Right–ugh. Goddamn it. AMY: Nice! Those are the kind of rolls that I like.
KATE: She thought she was gonna do a sick bite… JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Tried to do
a bite. Was not capable of it. KATE: (laughs) How do you bite a spider? RYAN: It starts jumping when
you were in human form… JERYR: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just jumps down… Yeah it’s like, “Oh I got this in the fucking bag!” And then POOF! “The fuck?!” (laughter) So…coming down, knife is coming back… AMY: Mmhmm.
JERRY: going down… JERRY: Four legs just, “No.” KATE: (laughs) KRIS: Nice.
AMY: Amazing. JERRY: “I don’t think so.” KRIS: You get Advantage because of Faerie Fire.
JERRY: “Not this.” KATE: Four legs? KATE: Did you say four legs? JERRY: Four legs.
AMY: I do get Advantage, you’re right. KATE: Oh, her four legs.
JERRY: Yeah. KATE: Oh OK. I thought you
said the creature had four legs. KATE: So I was like, “A centaur?”
JERRY: Oh shit! JERRY: The fuck is this?
RYAN: Oh (laughs) JERRY: That’s some crazy as door! KRIS: Four four legs.
AMY: Centaurs are hot, though. KATE: Yeah, I would pay to watch this.
JERRY: Yeah, centaurs is hot, for real. JERRY: So exactly, so now this
has immediately happened. Your assailant is now flat
against the…veranda. And it is your turn. AMY: Well I have absolutely no
way to communicate with them, which would normally be my move. JERRY: As a spider?
KATE: You could communicate with bites. AMY: Yeah, I was gonna say I’m like… JERRY: Yeah, the immortal language. RYAN: Venom. KATE: Universal.
AMY: Here’s something I can do. I’m gonna — RYAN: Venom. The ultimate language.
JERRY: Communicate with their veins. KATE: Can you Web as a spider? AMY: Oh I can, but it has a
recharge so I wanna hold it AMY: because I could AOE some little butts.
KATE: Sure, sure. OK. KATE: OK.
AMY: Little butts in the other room. KATE: So, stupid question.
She killed a horse with the Web. RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: ‘Course (laughs) AMY: Now…I slowed down
a cart with a Web. That’s what happened., KRIS: It’s more, really.
KATE: That’s a spin. KRIS: After it’s gone through the
PR team, that’s how it’s written out. (laughter)
RYAN: Yeah, wag the dog–wag the spider? AMY: Thank you. OK so I’m going to…
JERRY: It’s a spinneret. go ahead and try to bite. AMY: And because I have Faerie Fire, I have Advantage.
KRIS: Yes. KATE: Oh! That’s awesome.
JERRY: Yeah, they’re chewy. AMY: Mmhmm.
KATE: That’s so cool. AMY: That is a 16 + 5 would be a 21. But let’s just see–Oh! That is a… natural 20! RYAN: Natural 20. KATE: Ooo.
JERRY: A natural 20, you say? KATE: Isn’t there something that happens — AMY: Didn’t I just crit on an attack?
RYAN: No. Next week. JERRY: Next week.
KATE: Oh next week? Ok. AMY: Sorry.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. AMY: Well hey, it’s still good!
JERRY: Next week… KATE: it’s really good.
JERRY: when someone rolls a 20 JERRY: something cool with happen to the channel.
RYAN: Yeah. AMY: OK got it.
KATE: Got it. – Well so a 25. How’s that sound? JERRY: It’s real, real good.
AMY: I know. – It’s real, real —
(laughter) – I know! KRIS: Love it. – Ok so…that is… 10 piercing… AMY: And then I need to do…
JERRY: Good lord! JERRY: GOOD LORD!
AMY: That’s right? That’s right. Yeah OK. AMY: And then it’s…
KRIS: I hear a fang against the floorboard. AMY: 4 + 7 is 11 poison. – THE F–…?!? So it’s 10 piercing and then 11 poison? – Yes. Fuck with me. JERRY: Good Christ!
KRIS: No, thank you. JERRY: OK. Yeah! JERRY: Immediately…
KRIS: (cracks knuckles) Just getting ready. KRIS: Oh my God.
(laughter) JERRY: The fangs! The fangs just straight through. There’s just two pops as
the leather armor is pierced. And then there’s that rush as
the venom pumps from the sacs. AMY: More sexual though.
JERRY: Yeah, exactly. RYAN: Yes. Yeah. AMY: OK. JERRY: Straight in and a few shudders and you withdraw the fangs. This person is completely gone. AMY: I knock her off the veranda.
JERRY: Yeah. AMY: Just kidding! I don’t
do that. I don’t do that. KRIS: I think I’m a thorax guy now.
KATE: Gotta loot her first. JERRY: Yeah, you know what?
KRIS: I think I might be a thorax guy… JERRY: You just need to meet the right spider?
RYAN & KRIS: Yeah. KRIS: I’ve seen that book lung… inflating and deflating… “Oh my god!” KATE: Whoo!
KRIS: “Interesting!” JERRY: It’s hot stuff.
RYAN: Hubba hubba. AMY: Walnut turns around
and just looks at you like… (laughter) AMY: It’s not for you.
JERRY: (laughs) Yeah. JERRY: This is not your thorax.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: There’s nothing else that’s
illuminated on the veranda? JERRY: Nothing you could see.
KATE: That was the single threat? JERRY: Mmhmm.
KATE: OK. KATE: I assume that the bad–the vampire
hunters have not engaged in combat yet? JERRY: Not out front.
KATE: OK. KATE: Not out front? JERRY: (stutters) the ones that are on the…
KATE: Right. RYAN: Front door.
JERRY: Basically that happened on the veranda, this is out the front door of
the performance space. AMY: (laughs) Trying to trip him up on his words.
KRIS: Oh right, right. KATE: Oh yeah? Not out the front, huh? JERRY: Oh yeah? Four legs? KRIS: The ones who are engaged with…
KATE: Killer centaurs! JERRY: Exactly. AMY, RYAN & KRIS: Donaar. RYAN: We’re having a friendly chat. JERRY: Vampire centaurs! KATE: So my question is, we have — we are in a fighting order…
what are we fighting? JERRY: This is just in case we need —
KATE: Oh I see. KATE: Ok so we’re back to free actions? JERRY: Yeah, yeah. You can
do what you need. JERRY: For me, for my purpose,
I need to know how this is gonna go. KRIS: And I’m…obviously
the Alarm went off… and then I Awakened Mind
to each of you, like, “Walnut just killed a guy out here.” KRIS: “Killed an interloper.”
KATE: “Tight.” KATE: “Good job, Walnut. Nice.”
KRIS: “It was on the roof.” RYAN: I yell, “You killed a person on the veranda?!” (laughter)
RYAN: Like in front of the three guys. KRIS: “And don’t yell it.”
RYAN: “Awesome!” (laughter) RYAN: “That’s so cool!” KRIS: “I can hear your mind but I
can hear you yelling from out here.” (laughter)
“Don’t yell about a murder.” KATE: “I can’t hear anything going out of
your mind. It’s like there’s nothing there.” KATE: “It’s like it’s just empty.”
AMY: And then in your mind… AMY: you hear…(wet squelching sounds) JERRY: Just playing?
RYAN: (chittering sounds) KATE: (laughs)
AMY: (squelching sounds) KRIS: Yeah, we were never clear about
whether or not Awakened Mind was two-way. And I’ve been playing it one-way. KATE: We clarified it.
KRIS: Oh was it clarified? KATE: With Chris Perkins.
KRIS: It’s one-way, OK. KATE: No, he said two-way. KRIS: Is it really?
KATE: Yeah. He said two-way. I was there. RYAN: TV’s Chris Perkins.
AMY: It goes both ways. KATE: Yeah. It goes both ways.
JERRY: Yeah, he would know. KRIS: One and a half-ways.
RYAN: Hehe. Nice. KATE: OK.
JERRY: Thanks, Chris Perkins. KATE: I’m going to…I slowly
sidle my way out of the room. JERRY: Mmhmm.
KATE: And… KATE: in the most menacing way possible
for someone who’s three foot two, I come up behind Donaar, and I say,
leaning on my quarterstaff, and I’m like, “Is there a problem here?” RYAN: “No, our friends are
just leaving, as a matter of fact.” KATE: “That’s good. I’m really happy to hear that.”
RYAN: “Yeah.” RYAN: The end. (laughtr)
RYAN: And I say, “Meh…” KATE: Can I — KRIS: I like…
RYAN: “Beat feet!” KRIS: And they can’t take
action cuz it’s not their turn. RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: Exactly.
KRIS: So they’re like, “I got to wait for…” KATE: They’re like, “Mmm I’m gonna
have a really good response to that.” Can I do an Intimidation against them to try to drive
them back down the stairs, in addition to his 20? KRIS: Mmm.
JERRY: You can try to… These guys are pretty cranked
up but let’s see what happens. KATE: OK. (die clatters) That’s a 9. JERRY & KRIS: Mmm. JERRY: No.
KATE: My voice cracks in the middle of it. KATE: I’m like, “You better
(voice cracks) get out of this party.” JERRY: Yeah, yeah. “You know well
(voice cracks) you’re not wanted here.” KATE: “(voice cracks) This
isn’t a party for you.” JERRY: No, you think it’s entirely
possible that before you came out, Donnar had the effect on them
that he has on most people. KATE: Infuriating. Great. KATE: Cool.
RYAN: Intimidating. AMY & KATE: Well…
RYAN: I’ve established the pecking order (laughs) KATE: Well, not yet. JERRY: But…
AMY: Well… JERRY: So when it comes down to them He puts his… The figure on the left puts
their holy symbol back in to their…back underneath their leather cloak. And says, “I’ll extend you the same offer.” “You can leave now.” RYAN: To me? To both of us. JERRY: “You can leave now and remain whole.” KATE: OK. RYAN: “Uh…quick moment.” RYAN: And huddle up.
KATE: Yeah. RYAN: I say, “That’s a great offer.
That is a good offer.” KATE: “We’ll talk. Give us just a minute.”
RYAN: “Just one second.” RYAN: Huddle up.
KATE: Yeah. KRIS: Can I add people to the call?
RYAN: And I go like, “Kris!” JERRY: Yeah exactly. Yeah, yeah.
RYAN: “Kris, get over here!” JERRY: Add-in. KATE: Conference call.
RYAN: “Kris, get in.” KATE: Kris, can you hear us?
JERRY: Add friend! KATE: Oh great.
RYAN: “K’thriss!” KRIS: Yeah. KRIS: No, I get great signal. I got —
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: (laughs) JERRY: Five bars!
RYAN: “Bring the velvet ghost.” RYAN: “Maybe that’ll scare ’em.” KRIS: I don’t know about that. AMY: And then “(squelching sounds)”
RYAN: Yeah. (chittering sounds) KRIS: OK let’s…I still have Alarm active. So I’m gonna jet in there. How far can I make it? At my regular speed. KRIS: Or we not even in there at the moment?
JERRY: It’s 30 feet. JERRY: You can get to the top
of the doors and look down. JERRY: From where you were by the interior doors.
KRIS: OK. KRIS: Yeah, let me go ahead and do that. I’m ready to…
RYAN: Alright. RYAN: So you’re over there with us too? AMY: Can I crawl around…
JERRY: Yeah, he’s at the top, JERRY: you guys are at the middle of the stairs.
KRIS: OK. JERRY: You can do as you like.
AMY: I was gonna say, “Can I crawl around the outside?” AMY: And then —
JERRY: And wide look in? AMY: block their exit? AMY: I don’t want to alarm the party-goers.
JERRY: That is so gross! KRIS: Yeah. AMY: Yeah so they just look back AMY: and all they just see eyes.
KATE: You nasty! JERRY: I hate this! AMY: I just stay awake at night and think, “How can I scare people with my spider?” JERRY: Dude, I hate this so much. So basically you’re just gonna
go straight off the veranda, AMY: Mmm. KRIS: Ooo yeah.
JERRY: straight around the side, JERRY: climb right down the front and just wait at the front door? AMY: Yeah… (squelching sounds)
KATE: I have goosebumps from how nasty you are. KRIS: “That’s a great move.”
RYAN: I was gonna suggest, yeah, a flanking maneuver. AMY: Just clicking my little palps.
RYAN: OK. Alright, RYAN: so I turn to the guys and I say, “It was a good offer…” “And I will offer you the
same thing I offered Trevor.” “And that you can leave right now…” “or I’ll bash your head in.” KATE: Nice. KATE: I like that, “He will!”
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: I back him up. I’m like, KATE: “He’ll totally do it. I’ve seen him do it.”
RYAN: “Yeah, I’m crazy.” KATE: “Yeah.” RYAN: “You don’t want to fuck with me, man. I’m crazy.”
KATE: “Yeah.” KRIS: OK uh…
KATE: “He’s insane.” RYAN: “And I’m desperate for money.”
KATE: “I will let him off the leash.” KRIS: Have I…?
KATE: “I got him on a short leash right now,” KATE: “but I will let him go.” KRIS: This is a long shot… You’ll recognize it. But I Awakened Mind to the attacker — KRIS: the potential attacker that he’s addressing.
JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: And I just think at him very quietly, “Oh shit. This guy’s serious.” (laughter) RYAN: He’s not playing around.
KRIS: Yeah, so maybe he’ll think it’s his subconscious. AMY: (laughs)
KATE: Yeah, his Jiminy Cricket. RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: Uh oh. JERRY: That’s…
KRIS: “I’m really scared.” JERRY: That does not have…
That does not have the effect… KRIS: Dangit.
JERRY: that you’re looking for. KATE: It was a beautiful try. KRIS: “I feel really dumb standing up
here right now. I should go home.” KATE: I’m hungry.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. It’s a single movement RYAN: Oh… JERRY: At the second sentence, the
second psychic manipulation attempt, AMY: Goddamn it.
JERRY: it’s a single movement of the hand underneath the cloak. The sword comes out and
strikes at the same time. KATE: Whoa. RYAN: Hmm.
AMY: Fuck you, buddy. RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: Yeah, we’re just talking here. RYAN: Jeez. It’s a party.
KATE: I guess we did threaten him. KATE: To bash his head in.
RYAN: He threatened first! JERRY: Oh no!
AMY: They’re breaking and entering! KRIS: Uh oh. What do you got?
RYAN: Dammit. Why do I get all the bad hits? AMY: You’re the big boy! KATE: You’re a very big boy.
AMY: You’re a big, big boy. JERRY: Why do–Because you piss people off 24/7!
KATE: I’m glad you do all the… JERRY: And tell them you’re going to kill them.
RYAN: That’s what I’m supposed to do! (laughter) JERRY: Anyway, that’s why. Is your… AMY: Oh no… JERRY: Tell me about this. Is your Armor Class 24? RYAN: No. 18.
KATE: Very close, though. KRIS: The Armor Class of this house isn’t even…
AMY: Yeah. Right? JERRY: Alright.
AMY: Aw jeez. KATE: Is that your AC with your new goodies?
KRIS: Yes. KATE: Cool.
KRIS: See I outlined it… JERRY: 5…
KRIS: So it’s like (deet deet deet) KATE: I love it. JERRY: Hang on. I have
a LOT of dice I have to roll. RYAN: God, are you serious?
JERRY: Yeah. I’m totally serious. You take 5 points. RYAN: Alright. JERRY: And then…you know the
second half of this, all to well. – Oh God. Oh… – At the moment the sword strikes… You don’t know if it’s
the blade cutting the air or a whisper from your assailant’s mouth, but you feel the divine presence… AMY: Whoa.
RYAN: Oh… – of the god he serves. KRIS: Ah…
JERRY: Basically slam you back against the stairs. And that’s an additional 10. RYAN: 10?!?
AMY: Whoa! He just got smote! RYAN: Ugh. Fuck this guy.
KRIS: Dang. KATE: Time to…Lay on Hands. JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: If you know what I mean. JERRY: So you guys see a flash of light. There’s the cut.
AMY: (scree sound) JERRY: There’s the cut and
then just this pillar of light emanates and just smashes
Donaar into the stair. KATE: Whoof!
KRIS: But has the party noticed? KRIS: The party-goers…are they…?
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: Do they hear that? Or…?
RYAN: We’ll see how it goes. KATE: Oh boy.
JERRY: Donaar. RYAN: Uh… (blows raspberry) KATE: Is he prone? RYAN: So…yeah. So I–maybe I
misunderstand this layout of this room. So I thought we went upstairs into the room. We take stairs down into the room? KATE: We are…
JERRY: No, no. You take stairs. Right now… JERRY: you are halfway up the stairs. RYAN: Up the stairs. OK.
JERRY & KATE: Yeah. KATE: The room’s behind us.
RYAN: Yeah. OK. So we were walking down the stairs KATE: Right. KRIS: Yeah.
RYAN: towards them. OK. RYAN: Alright. So, I’m not prone? JERRY: It would be very easy to get back up.
RYAN: Alright. JERRY: It’s just a heavy shock. RYAN: Uh…OK. 13’s pretty low. (laughs) And I’m the only one who could heal. KATE: Oh, you have 13 hit points left? RYAN: Yes. KATE: Got it.
KRIS: No, no, no. You gotta take that. KRIS: I’m glad you don’t
have the egg with you. RYAN: Yeah…
JERRY: Yeah! RYAN: Well I’m saying,
do I heal or do I strike back? JERRY: These are the choices…
RYAN: Yeah. JERRY: that excite me as a Dungeon Master! KATE: Do you dungeon?
Or do you dragon? JERRY: Those are the two choices.
JERRY: Oh…I fucking dragon. RYAN: So I look at the
dude who swung at me, and I use Command. And I say, “Betray.” KATE: Nice! This is what I’m talking about!
KRIS: Oh! KATE: (exhales) RYAN: So he must make a Wisdom saving throw or follow the Command…on his next turn. KATE: What’s your Spell DC? JERRY: (sings) ♫ Spell DC! ♫ ♫ Whoa! ♫ KRIS: God, can I give him Guidance
on that, or I can’t do that can I? JERRY: ♫ Oh! Spell DC! ♫
KATE: What is Guidance? KATE: That just like makes it super good?
KRIS: That’s the one I should have…yeah. KRIS: Yeah, it’d just let him add a d4 to the roll. KATE: Oh nice. To a melee check? OK. JERRY: He…you think that
it might have…penetrated… RYAN: OK. JERRY: the scalp. Like Selsun’s Blue. AMY: Not…
KRIS: (blows air) AMY & KATE: Hmm. RYAN: OK.
AMY: Been there. JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: This has got less sexy as it were. JERRY: (laughs)
RYAN: Yeah. AMY: Selsun Blue can be sexy.
JERRY: We’re aging it up. Aging it up. KRIS: Oh. Flake free? KRIS: Are you kidding me?
JERRY: K’thriss Drow’b. JERRY: K’thriss Drow’b. You are
right now at the top of the stairs. KRIS: OK.
KERRY: And then behind you, you can hear… the door…the handle to the door opening. KRIS: Oh wait. Is–who’s–is this the…uh…
KATE: Veranda door? JERRY: Yes exactly. So you are at the top, and you can hear someone
trying to come out from the party. KRIS: Oh I see, I see. Right.
KATE: Oh! From within the party room. OK. KRIS: To enter the Alarm zone. JERRY: No, no. Cuz right now you had come
out to observe the rest of this… conflict right?
KATE: You’re at the top of the stairs. RYAN: Yeah, you’re all watching me get beat up. JERRY: You’re at the top of the stairs…
KRIS: Right. JERRY: And there are people from the party who you think are trying to leave the party and look…
KATE: You closed the door behind you. JERRY: And see what’s happening out here.
KRIS: Oh I see. KATE: So we’re making a rucket. A ruckus.
JERRY: This is the situation. KRIS: Hmmm… JERRY: Not connected with
parents…or vacations…at all. KRIS: I was gonna say, yeah…
JERRY: (laughs) KRIS: So my choices are… Help my friend… Or tastefully let the person know that this exit is not available… RYAN: Yeah. (laughs)
KRIS: at this time… KATE: Can you Awakened Mind them?
RYAN: Both valid choices. RYAN: One…lot more valid than the other. KATE: Just like let them, they’re like, “You know what? This party’s nice.
I’m gonna stay here.” KRIS: I’m gonna… JERRY: Dissonant Whispers. KRIS: It didn’t…(laughs)
RYAN: Then me. KRIS: It would kill that party goer. JERRY: (laughs)
KRIS: He can’t warn anybody if he’s dead. KRIS: I will… I’m gonna not pay attention to that. Because I think it’s better if they are alive than if they’re… RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: relaxed. KATE: That’s right. OK.
JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: So let me go ahead and… JERRY: Get clever. KRIS: Yum, yum, yum. (whispers) What’s the best use? RYAN: (whispers) Mend!
KRIS: What kind of flavor! JERRY: (laughs)
KRIS: What? That’s not going to do anything. RYAN: I’m getting beat up. KRIS: Oh, I had a question.
JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: So in the intervening–you can tell
me no if this is the case but like, the cloak that I was given JERRY: Yes. Indeed.
KRIS: or that I retrieved from the goblin’s cart… KRIS: In that time in
between, had I taken time to understand what the
nature of these stars were? JERRY: You can.
KRIS: Because I outside of… JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well yeah.
KRIS: character think I know what it is. JERRY: Think about how much time
you’ve had rolling around in this cart. KRIS: Yeah I wanted to know. JERRY: Yeah, yeah.
KRIS: Cuz the thing is… RYAN: It’s funny if you just like note:
you waited til now… mid-combat, you’re like History check? KRIS: Aw dangit.
JERRY: Yea exactly. No, hang on. RYAN: Let me do an Arcane check on this. KRIS: That’s how I use my turn. JERRY: Exactly.
KRIS: It’s two full actions… KRIS: I use one action on opening the book. The next action would be
finding the right page. KATE: But here’s the question.
What would K’thriss do? WWKD? KRIS: Oh he’d 100% would have
been trying to figure out — KATE: No, I mean right now in this moment. KRIS: Oh right now…
KATE: Would he like get distracted, would he like, “Oh yeah! This cloak.” KRIS: No…No…! JERRY: No, no. But you do
know what it does. KATE: OK.
KRIS: Would you inform the viewing audience? JERRY: Yeah, absolutely. So like I say, the cloak is enough like your old cloak that you don’t have to change your character art. RYAN & KRIS: (whew) KATE: Thank God.
KRIS: That’s all I cared about. JERRY: But suspended in its deep
blue texture is…pinprick stars, KRIS: Right. JERRY: that to a casual observer
would simply be shine. KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: But there’s a depth, JERRY: a strange depth, to them. And these crystals,
who feel familiar to you, can be plucked from that night sky and hurled as missiles. – Right. And that would count — what I read was that is
Magic Missile at 5th level. Is that not the case for this garment?
JERRY: Not for you. – Is it just at my level? JERRY: Not for you. It is…
AMY: 6th level. RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: 10th level.
JERRY: 20th level. KRIS: Yeah, when you’re a god!
KATE: Remember when you were level 9? RYAN: Yeah. AMY: No.
RYAN: You cast Wish every time. JERRY: This right here is a… There’ a lot that’s gonna happen with it…
KRIS: Sure. JERRY: What it does at this point, is 3d4 damage. KATE: Holy fucking hell…
KRIS: That’s what I wanted to discern. JERRY: Yeah.
KRIS: So I didn’t–Yeah OK. JERRY: You tested it out on bottles.
KRIS: Yeah. KRIS: That feels like a 3d4, I think. KRIS: Yeah…Alright.
RYAN: (laughs) KRIS: OK. And I got how many of those a day
do I have? How many are around there? JERRY: There’s six around there.
KRIS: There’s six of them, OK. KRIS: Let me…throw those. First of all I’m gonna Hex this guy
who just lashed out at him. So he’s gonna have a big frown on his face. And then I’m gonna throw
one of my stars at him. RYAN: Well… AMY: Wait, not the guy that he…
RYAN: The guy–I got Command on him right now. KRIS: I’m sorry. I forgot about that.
RYAN: So he’s gonna swing on his buddies. KRIS: That’s an excellent point.
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: I’m not going to hurt him. RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: He’s our friend. I’m going to — RYAN: For one turn.
KRIS: Let me select one of his compatriots. JERRY: Mmhmm.
KRIS: And do what I just said. (laughs) JERRY: Yeah…all different stuff? KRIS: Hmm?
KATE: Same with the Hex? KATE: Do you wanna read what Hex does? KRIS: Sure. It’s just gonna make him sad? JERRY: (laughs)
RYAN: Oh, OK. JERRY: They’re gonna catch a sad?
KATE: Bummed out. KRIS: Yeah. He’s gonna have teh sadz. JERRY: (laughs)
AMY: God… KRIS: Which I can’t stand.
KATE: Why did you say that? KRIS: Sorry. It’s rancid.
AMY: Rawr. KRIS: So I’m gonna be able to deal
an extra 1d6 necrotic on that one. And I can choose Disadvantage
on an ability check of theirs. So I’m gonna…So let me sour their Strength. JERRY: OK. KRIS: OK.
RYAN: Target the one with the bolt. RYAN: I think it was the one on the left. JERRY: Mmhmm. KATE: Yeah, I think so too.
KRIS: That’s fine with me. AMY: Bolt boy. JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: And now…to throw… this little star.
(die clatters) Oh…but it’s Magic Missile.
JERRY: Mmhmm. KRIS: Does that have…
JERRY: Yeah you don’t roll to strike. KRIS: Yeah, OK.
JERRY: You just get a handful of d4’s and… AMY: It’s auto-hit.
JERRY: get sick with it. KRIS: Yum, yum, yum. You’re gonna love it.
AMY: You ain’t even gotta AIM on that bad boy. KRIS: Oh I got them. No worries.
KATE: You got them? KRIS: And then I’m gonna add
that d6 that I’ve applied with Hex. KRIS: (dice clatters) Let’s see what we got.
KATE: Holy shit! RYAN: Hmm.
KRIS: We got… KRIS: Whoops, sorry. This was a 2. Uhh 8. That’s 9 (pweh) of damage AMY: (clears throat)
KRIS: to this robed fellow. JERRY: Absolutely… You reach up to the clasp and then fling it out and then almost, as if in slow motion, you see it burst almost like a seed… in midair and trace arcs around your companions. KRIS: Ooo. JERRY: They don’t become discrete missiles. It’s almost like a solid arc of force.
KRIS: Hmm. JERRY: That starts here and then
traces paths around your allies, keeping them safe, and then all
of it projects itself into the foe. AMY: That’s awesome.
JERRY: So how much damage? KATE: 9…
KRIS: It was 9, yeah.. JERRY: K.
RYAN: All from your K’thlasp. KATE: He K’threw it. RYAN: He K’threw it. I like that too. KRIS: That was better. Kate: Thanks.
JERRY: Alright, I love it. RYAN: No. (laughter) JERRY: Alright. You see him whisper something. As it connects, he’s able to
maintain his grip on the edge, and not get thrown all the way down the stairs.
KRIS: Oh I see, I see. JERRY: Walnut. KRIS: Would have been nice.
RYAN: To Newt Spiderton. JERRY: Walnut Dankgrass… Yeah, exactly!
AMY: Hungry! JERRY: There’s new locations
opening up all the time. AMY: I’m hungry. JERRY: Out front there is a…
AMY: Well… JERRY: There is a–you can
see a large stone off the path. I mean you can see–your vision
encompasses a gigantic dome. AMY: Mmhmm. JERRY: What’s happening in here is
just one part of your awareness, right? AMY: What else do I perceive? JERRY: On a…there’s sort of a
decorative, tasteful boulder up near the end of the path that
comes from the Long Road. AMY: Well I like that boulder…
JERRY: And you can see… AMY: It’s a nice boulder.
JERRY: You can see a werewolf JERRY: sitting cross-legged on it. Looking down the path and he seems sad. (laughter) AMY: That would require me to get out of spider-form.
Ryan: Yeah. KRIS: No… RYAN: We got more pressing matters…
JERRY: Yeah. AMY: OK. JERRY: He seems…(stammers) I’m just sayin’ —
RYAN: than cheering up a werewolf (laughs). JERRY: I’m sayin’ he seems bummed out.
KRIS: He’s so sad, though. KATE: There’s a sad werewolf. What do you do?
RYAN: (sighs) But he’s like, REALLY sad, though. RYAN: Yeah.
AMY: Let me ask you this. JERRY: Yeah. KATE: (laughs)
RYAN: Super sad. AMY: Could I just wave
to him as a bonus action? Just one little spider —
JERRY: Just one little pedipalp? AMY: Yeah, just like a little… AMY: (bweep)
JERRY: Yeah. AMY: And then I wanna turn… JERRY: You give him the wave and he’s just like… (laughter) AMY: That’s fine. This is good.
KRIS: Poor Trevor. AMY: But so…
RYAN: Fucking Trevor. KATE: Oh Trevor. – I can see the stairs that these guys are having
this altercation on, right? – From one of the windows
in the front there, yeah. I mean basically your, like I say, your
awareness extends in these windows; you can see the entire affair, and out here. – OK. I want to… I wanna — – Live as a spider. I want to BE a spider. – Yeah so basically it’s just like… it’s just me living out my fantasy. I want to know if I can… shoot a Web through… – The glass? – I mean could I–I guess
I don’t want to bust the glass… And I can’t like spider-open it and be like
(‘peh’ spitting sound) KATE: (laughs) KRIS: Maybe.
AMY: A little spitball. KATE: You never know. KRIS: Is it opened?
KATE: It’s Dungeons & Dragons. AMY: Can I try? I can do a lot of cool stuff.
JERRY: Do you wanna try? JERRY: (stammers) Think about their sticky little feet.
RYAN: Break the glass. Who cares? KRIS: Yeah you may be able to like, take the pane out…
KATE: You got sticky feet. Yeah, oh yeah. KRIS: with that sticky foot.
AMY: That’s true. AMY: I can do a lot of cool things.
JERRY: And just shove your spinnerets in there. KRIS: Yeah. Just fit it in,
and then (spit sound) KRIS: Yeah. That’s cool.
KATE: Maybe you bite the window. JERRY: Get stuck (laughs) Like Winnie the Pooh! KRIS: And the party’s so tasteful beneath and just this arc of web! JERRY: (stammers)
Yeah, so do you wanna try to make a… AMY: Yes. JERRY: make a hole there?
AMY: Yeah. JERRY: So you’ve waved over here;
sort of your bonus thing. AMY: Yeah. Sort of. JERRY: Manipulating this is probably
gonna be your turn, but it’s ok. AMY: Right, OK.
KRIS: It’ll be worth it. JERRY: Absolutely. Let’s see… So you have all your stats
and everything here, right? AMY: Yes. What do you want me to roll? JERRY: I would like to
see some Dexterity here. AMY: Oh.
JERRY: But I’ll… account for the fact that you’re like a spider… sticky…feet. AMY: Don’t worry. My Dex is good.
JERRY: You know what I mean? (die clatters) AMY: (snaps fingers) Not… good… enough. JERRY: OK.
AMY: It would have been a 9. JERRY: Yeah. You… You reach your… You reach one of your most clever feet… down to the pane. AMY: Mmm.
JERRY: You can feel it stick. AMY: Mmhmm.
JERRY: And then it goes, all the way through. JERRY: And pieces of glass fall inside.
KRIS: Oh. AMY: Oops. JERRY: And you can see
that some a little bit of glass has fallen on one of the servants. And they go…
AMY: Oops. KRIS: Oh no. JERRY: (exhausted) “Uh.” KRIS: (laughs)
AMY: And I go (squelching sounds) AMY: Which means,
“Seize the means of production.” JERRY: Yeah, exactly! KATE: (laughs)
AMY: They know what it means. JERRY: There’s another life for you!
KRIS: Yeah. AMY: OK. Well I guess that’s my turn. JERRY: It is. Rosie. KATE: OK.
JERRY: So they have… JERRY: They have brought the fight. KATE: OK. And we have… one of the mean boys is betraying, potentially, his comrades. We’re crossing our fingers on that.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: And you’ve attacked bolt guy. Tell me about the third… JERRY: In the middle?
KATE: hunter? KATE: I suppose so, yeah.
JERRY: Yeah, exactly. JERRY: So you just wanna know…how they’re armed?
KATE: Yeah, I just want a description. KATE: I’m taking some notes.
JERRY: Absolutely. This figure… JERRY: Much about them is indeterminate. They’re all in sort of their uniform. But you can see that they have — that their hands are reaching in on
both sides underneath the cloak. And when they act, it would almost
certainly be with two weapons. KRIS: It’s gonna be the Macarena. (laughter)
KATE: OK. JERRY: I don’t think it is.
KRIS: Alright. JERRY: (old aristocrat voice)
That won’t be invented for a thousand years! KRIS: Monocle pops off. What the…!
JERRY: (harrumphs) (laughter)
KRIS: Scandalous! (laughter)
JERRY: Macarena! (laughter) KATE: OK. I have a quality as
a Halfling called Nimbleness. Which allows me to move through
the space of any larger creature. Can I use that ability to
get behind them without… JERRY: Yeah.
KATE: them even noticing. KATE: OK.
JERRY: Well I don’t know about noticing. KATE: But without them stopping me.
JERRY: But with ease. – OK. OK. Then I’m going to–I would like
to dart behind the dagger friend, – Mmhmm. – and spin around and attack him from behind. Hopefully before he has a chance to react. Maybe…
JERRY: It’s your turn, yeah. – Maybe even get an Advantage
on that for attacking from behind. Could that possibly be something that I do? – Here, if you give me a little bit of Acrobatics. KATE: Oh God. RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: Sure. – What that will communicate to me is that you done this perfectly. – OK so you want me to do an Acrobatics roll? JERRY: I do.
KATE: OK (die clatters) – It’s a 23. – Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. (stammers) Basically just right between them. – OK. – (stammers) It’s like one
of the Japanese game shows. – Yeah. You make the shapes. – You make exactly the shape needed to pirouette around, and then that — the strike is actually part of that motion. – OK. JERRY: So let’s hear it.
KATE: OK. – And you gonna give
me Advantage on that? JERRY: Oh yeah.
KATE: Oh hell yeah! JERRY: Yeah, I think it’s super cool.
KATE: I learned this from Pat Rothfuss, by the way. JERRY: This is what I want. It’s not 100%. KATE: Oh my God. That’s a 19. KRIS: These are hot rolls!
KATE: Let’s just see what happens. KATE: Oh another 19. Oops. OK. So that’s a 24 with the quarterstaff. JERRY: Mmhmm.
KRIS: It’s fated. KATE: And that’s gonna be 6 points of damage. I will also take a… an unarmed strike which is
another 4 points of damage. And spend a ki point…
JERRY: (snorts) KATE: and just get him
right up their little butts, (die clatters)
KRIS: Ooo yeah. RYAN: Nice. KATE: for another 7 points of damage.
RYAN: Nice. KRIS: That was the worst one yet.
KATE: Yeah. JERRY: Good Lord! KATE: Yeah.
JERRY: Yeah, it’s just–it is a flurry of attacks. KATE: Right in the ankles.
JERRY: Well no, no. It’s a flurry of attacks, and every one of them is
striking some nerve cluster. KATE: Yeah.
JERRY: You see them just bend like a… like those poseable…
those wooden poseable… KRIS: Yeah. They just go (‘meah” sound) JERRY: Yeah. The figure goes in,
and they go the (collapse sound) KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: (stammers) Just…hunched. Creaked over. A parody of life! KATE: Perfect.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: Just barely hanging on. KATE: This is my design.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: Just barely hanging on here. JERRY: Now it is their turn. So he turns… He wheels himself toward you on the stairs, tries to solve some of his serious chiropractic issues that you developed. (die clatters) Oh shit! When the… the paladin who had initiated
this fight to begin with, brings this rapier… straight through the midsection… AMY: Hmm.
KATE: Hmm. JERRY: of this–of your opponent. KATE: Uh huh.
KRIS: Oh…! RYAN: He’s a bad friend.
(laughter) KATE: This is the betray boy. RYAN: Yeah. Yup.
KATE: Got it, got it. OK. JERRY: And then after that happens, basically the top half of this entity, deeply surprised by this chain of events, falls ON you. KATE: Ooo. JERRY: And the paladin
cries out to his fellow, says, “Run! Run, brother!” RYAN: Hmm! KRIS: Oh…
AMY: Nice. JERRY: But his brother does not run.
(die clatters) His brother, instead, tries
to kill Rosie Beestringer. KATE: What? JERRY: It’s true.
AMY: He’s a bad boy. JERRY: What is your… Is your Armor Class… RYAN: Hey, he killed his buddy. Not us.
JERRY: Yeah. KRIS: No, no, no. He’s gotta live with that. RYAN: Yeah.
JERRY: 17? KATE: No. KRIS: He might not.
RYAN: He’s probably not going to… JERRY: K. (die clatters)
JERRY: Oh! D8… (die clatters) 7 points.
KATE: K. JERRY: And then as a bonus action, he reaches into one of the many pockets of this leather jacket, grabs a red vial and crushes it in his hand. RYAN: Hmm.
KATE: Hmm. RYAN: Cyanide pill?
KRIS: Got a Dr Pepper or something? JERRY: Yeah.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: Mmhmm.
JERRY: Exactly. JERRY: It is at this point, K’thrss, that the door opens at the top of the stair. Right now there is a total of one person… KRIS: Mmhmm.
JERRY: looking out and assessing this… this destruction derby… KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: you have enacted in the lobby. JERRY: Donaar Blit’zen. RYAN: So one’s dead… JERRY: One’s dead.
RYAN: I made the one betray the other one. JERRY: Indeed.
RYAN: What about the one you targeted? RYAN: He’s…?
KATE: He’s hurtin’. RYAN: He’s hurtin’ but he’s not… JERRY: He’s hurtin’,
KRIS: He’s hurt but he’s… RYAN: OK.
JERRY: but he’s in the fight. RYAN: OK. KRIS: He’s the one who struck Rosie. KATE: Mmhmm.
KRIS: Just now. RYAN: Oh the hurt one is the one that struck Rosie? KATE: No, no, no. That was–
was that Daggers or Bolts? JERRY: Yeah Daggers is…is in two pieces.
RYAN: Daggers’ dead. KATE: Daggers’ dead. KRIS: He just got cut in half.
KATE: Right. Sword is the one who just hit me. RYAN: Yeah. He’s the one who hit me.
KRIS: Oh OK, OK. KATE: Yeah. Bolt’s the one you hit.
RYAN: That’s right. OK so the… KRIS: I see. JERRY: So two opponents. RYAN: OK.
JERRY: The paladin you commanded. RYAN: Yup.
JERRY: And then the other one. RYAN: Should I go for the easy clean up? Or should I go after the big baddie? KRIS: Oh no, why do we just —
KATE: What would Driebus do? KATE: Sorry.
RYAN: What would Driebus do? AMY: Thinking about your son?
KATE: Sorry, I’m thinking about my son right now. JERRY: You’re thinking about
your boy? It’s like now… RYAN: I don’t know. Yeah.
What would Waelvur do? KRIS: Probably he’d just ruin the entire building.
RYAN: Yeah, he would do a… (laughter)
AMY: Should have brought Driebus. RYAN: He would Shatter every window. KATE: Yeah, we should have brought Driebus.
RYAN: I know he would have loved these vampires. RYAN: Faux-goth.
AMY: He would have LOVED this! JERRY: There’s so much glass here.
He would have a great time. AMY: Amazing. KRIS: Wait. What was I gonna say? Shoot.
Agh. No, keep going, keep going. RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: Forgot already.
AMY: Do what Donaar would do. RYAN: Donaar would think about Donaar, and heal himself. AMY: That’s fine.
KATE: Alright, Donaar. JERRY: Do your thing.
RYAN: So I’m gonna Lay on Hands. KRIS: Oh yeah, I was gonna
say wreck the guy who… I mean go ahead and do that but wreck the guy who’s not our friend right now. KATE: But the guy who
was betraying attacked me. KRIS: Right.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: So he’s not anybody’s friend. KRIS: Oh he’s not your friend,
but he may yet attack his pal. KATE: Oh I see, I see.
KRIS: Yeah. KATE: The only one he’s NOT going to
attack is you? Is that how Betray works? JERRY: (stammers) No, no. Betray. It’s one turn.
AMY: It’s only one turn. RYAN: Betray is only one turn. KATE: Got it. OK. KRIS: Oh I see.
JERRY: One turn. Command. KATE: Betray is done.
RYAN: So…I can do a 15. I can bring myself back to normal. JERRY: Mmhmm.
RYAN: Which I do. I just go, “Mmm…!” JERRY: Just…Shiatsu?
RYAN: “Mmm…!” RYAN: Just laying there on the stairs, “Ah…! Oh yeah!” RYAN: “Ah. Just keep fightin’.”
JERRY: Right there. This is the spot. You just — RYAN: “I needed this. I. Needed. This.” “Whoo!” KRIS: Feels better.
RYAN & KATE: Treat yo’ self! JERRY: Yeah, right. K’thriss Drow’b.
RYAN: “I made a guy murder his friend. I deserve this!” (laughter) (laughter)
JERRY: K’thriss Drow’b! KRIS: How much as a
bonus action am I allowed to turn to this party-goer
who’s just peering out? JERRY: It depends on
what you’re trying to do. KRIS: And just say,
“The meals are almost ready.” Like, “We’re preparing them stair-side.” (laughter) Is that permissible? Before I turn my attention back? RYAN: Oh! I got an Entitlement. JERRY: So you want…
AMY: Nice. JERRY: You get excited? KRIS: I just want to send him back in.
JERRY: Your bar just fills up. RYAN: Well now it’s like… AMY: Now I can do anything. JERRY: So basically they’re there.
KRIS: Mmhmm. JERRY: They have come out
and they’re…and you see it, it’s like, “But…” KRIS: Right. Yeah. And I’m assuming that there’s… that this one who’s been cleaved is just… splayed blood all over everything. JERRY: It’s like this katamari.
It’s just like rolling down. KATE: Well for some of these
party-goers though, that is the meal. KRIS: That’s what I’m saying.
KATE: Right. Yeah. KRIS: That’s what I’m saying,
“Go ahead and wait back inside.” “We’re going to finish this.” RYAN: We’re gonna kill these guys so you can eat them.
KRIS: “Get it all ready and nice for you.” KATE: Yeah, yeah.
RYAN: We’re the worst people. KRIS: “And then we’re gonna come on in and yeah…”
KATE: (laughs) We definitely are! (laughter)
KRIS: “It’s not quite ready yet.” KATE: Aww.
JERRY: Let’s see — Do you have Performance? KRIS: I do, actually. KRIS: I have a bizarrely high amount of Performance.
JERRY: Let’s see it! KRIS: OK let’s try.
(die clatters) KRIS: It’s gonna be a 15. JERRY: (laughs) Alright. KRIS: Does that get it done?
JERRY: He’s like, JERRY: “So it’s taken care of?” KRIS: “Oh, frie–it’ll be just a moment.” “No worries.” (laughter)
JERRY: “It’s fine?” KRIS: “We’ll wheel it in as soon as it’s ready.” JERRY: (whispers) “Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.”
Closes the door. KATE: (laughs)
RYAN: Tip the hat. KRIS: Yeah. OK, so that’s…? JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and do some stuff. KRIS: Spin around… KATE: (laughs) KRIS: and on the…ooo was he a… I think the Hexed person,
they’re gone. Is that right? I don’t remember who I cast it on, actually. JERRY: Dead. RYAN: No, no. I thought you cast it on
the other guy. The guy who’s hurting. There’s guy who’s hurting, guy
who’s dead, and the main guy. KRIS: Yeah, I didn’t touch the main guy.
KATE: I think it’s Bolts that you casted on. RYAN: Yeah you casted —
JERRY: It was Mr. Bolts. KATE: Yeah. RYAN: You casted on Bolts. And Bolts is still alive.
KRIS: That’s right, that’s right. KATE: Right. AMY: Daggers is —
RYAN: Daggers is dead. KATE: Daggers is dead. KRIS: OK.
KATE: Sword and Bolts are still alive. RYAN: Mmhmm.
KRIS: Alright well–Oh no, you’re right. OK that’s where I got
the Hex. Yeah, he’s dead. OK so I’m gonna go ahead and do Dissonant Whispers on…
JERRY: Jeez! KATE: (whispers)
KRIS: Uh…the um…(lip smacking & chomping sounds) RYAN: Take out the weak guy.
JERRY: The paladin or the fighter? KRIS: Should I murder the weak guy?
RYAN: Just take out the weak guy, RYAN: so it’s like we can all focus on one. KRIS: Good idea, OK. So I’m gonna
go after that weakened one. So let’s see here…
RYAN: Kill the adds. ♫ Num, num, num, nah! Wisdom saving throw! ♫ JERRY: Mmhmm. AMY: Meanwhile, Jerry’s looking
around the book. Which I love. RYAN: Yeah,
JERRY: OK that is… KATE: Not a great sign.
JERRY: not a great saving throw. KRIS: OK. I’m gonna enjoy that. Oh I’m gonna leave that one on the table. AMY: Good thing you did.
KRIS: That’s gonna be 8 psychic damage. JERRY: K.
KRIS: And he’s gotta run away if he can. AMY: And he pees his pants.
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: And that little urine… RYAN: Runs past the werewolf. AMY: Pee drops.
JERRY: So what is the nature of these whispers? KATE: (whispers) Whisper, whisper, whisper.
RYAN: Dissident. KRIS: I whisper… JERRY: Dissident Whispers
is a different spell. KRIS: I whisper like, “You knew that this was
fucked the second you set foot in here.” KATE: OH!
(laughter) KRIS: “You knew you weren’t
gonna get anything done.” KATE: That’s Dissonant as shit! KRIS: “You’d be lucky to get out of here.” JERRY: Yeah. KATE: (whispers) Wow!
KRIS: “You’d be lucky to be able to run away.” JERRY: Yeah. So he takes a few… Immediately… eyes widen. He sweeps the hat… off the back of his head. Tries to take a couple steps
back down the stairs, slips on blood. KATE: Nice.
RYAN: Again not your fault. RYAN: We didn’t really technically killed anyone yet. AMY: Well…
JERRY: And his head connects — JERRY: with the stairs.
RYAN: Well you did one. RYAN: That was nature taking its course.
JERRY: And that’s — RYAN: That was a spider. AMY: It’s fine.
JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: (stammers) You’re pretty sure you’re
not gonna have to deal with that much. Unless he’s transformed into a vampire. Then you have to deal with that.
KRIS: I don’t know. Yeah. We’ll see. RYAN: Well then they’ll pay us. JERRY: Alright. KRIS: Alright, then I’ll just go…
RYAN: Like the rest of them. JERRY: (laughs) Behold! KATE: Ok. Bolts is out.
KRIS: Chuck wagon is comin’! RYAN: Yeah.
KATE: Bolts is out. So it’s just Sword. KRIS: Just sword guy. KATE: Cool.
JERRY: Mmhmm. RYAN: Web up Swordy. AMY: So…
JERRY: Alright. So that is K’thriss Drow’b. Now it’s the Nut. AMY: I look in there, and I’m like, “They have it under control.” (laughter) And so I am going to… It’s just 3 on 1 at that point,
I’m like, “Oof. OK…” “What would I really be
adding to it at this point?” I love the idea of the spider,
(bored) “Just checking that it’s OK. Whatever.” RYAN: Break a window and then walk away. (laughter) AMY: So Walnut’s gonna
use my movement to skitter down and then
turn back into Walnut, and use my action to
talk to Trevor real quick. JERRY: You’re just gonna go out and sit on this rock?
AMY: That’s what — You looked at me during the last turn. You were…
RYAN: Hey, what up, buddy? AMY: like, “What’s wrong with you?”
KRIS: What were you doing? Yeah. AMY: And I was thinking like, I’ve been that werewolf at a party. (laughter)
RYAN: Oh my God. How you doing, champ? KRIS: I love the trust.
RYAN: How’s it goin’? KRIS: Where you’re like, “They got it.” “I’m gonna go deal with this.” RYAN: I love that you trust
the werewolf too. Like… AMY: I don’t trust the werewolf.
RYAN: he’s friendly. AMY & KATE: He’s sad.
KRIS: He’s just…yeah. AMY: OK and so Walnut
will just go up to him and then say… I’ll say, “Hey friend.” “Is there any reason why –”
RYAN: You have to call him Champ. (laughter) KATE: Sport. Little Buddy.
AMY: “Hey. Hey, bud.” KRIS: Why the (howls) loooooong face? (laughter)
– “Why aren’t you at the party?” – (slurred Southern drawl in gentle voice)
“I mean I should be able to go in that there pardy.” “My cousin owns the Doomgate Inn.” “He get into all kinds of vampire…” “mess and whatnot.” AMY: Mmhmm.
KATE: (stifles laughter) JERRY: “Can’t come to
them parties no more.” AMY: “Ah…so…”
JERRY: “We was like brothers!” KRIS: Mmm.
AMY: Mmm. AMY: “Was he like you?”
JERRY: “Now he’s drinking the blood of the livin’.” AMY: Mmm
JERRY: “Whatever.” AMY: Hmm
JERRY: “What have you.” KATE: So forth.
AMY: “Well…” KATE: (laughs)
RYAN: Et cetera… JERRY: “And so on and so forth.” AMY: Well so Walnut will be like, “Well I know what’s like to –” JERRY: “I’ve tried to go into them parties.” “I come into the party. Got a cloak on.” AMY: “I know –”
JERRY: “Say, ‘I’m a vampire, y’all!'” AMY: “I know what it’s like to be a outsider.”
JERRY: “I didn’t get no good goddamn!” AMY: OK, and then at this point Walnut’s gonna say, “Well…” KATE: (sobbing laughter) AMY: “I surely know –”
JERRY: “I’m just trying to do…” AMY: “what would impress your cousin.” KATE: (laughing) You can’t get a word in edgewise.
AMY: No! That’s why — KATE: He’s just troll–
AMY: I’m just gonna try — AMY: I’m gonna try. He might
not bite. But he might bite. I’m gonna go, “Well right now on the
stairs of your cousin’s inn,” “is a vampire hunter.” “Which I’m sure he doesn’t like very much.”
JERRY: “Get. Out. Of. Town!” AMY: “And I’m willing to bet…” JERRY: “Them’s was vampire hunters.
I wonderin’ why they had them… toothpicks.” KATE: (giggles)
AMY: “I’m willing to bet if someone…” AMY: “were to dispose of them…” KATE: (whispers) Fuck. AMY: “maybe…they can get into the party.”
JERRY: “They had…must have been five…” JERRY: “Must have been five
or six of them toothpicks!” KATE: (laughs)
AMY: “They’re lousy with toothpicks, my friend.” AMY: “You are not wrong.” “I’m just saying, if you
wanted to help out,” “they might be more inclined
to let you into the party.” KATE: (whispers) Oh my God. AMY: “Something to think about.”
JERRY: “You make an…” JERRY: “You talk a lot of sense.” KRIS: (chortles)
AMY: “I’m just looking out for you.” “I’ve been in your shoes.” JERRY: “You talk a lot of sense.
Now the problem…” “as I see it is that…” JERRY: “once I get to tastin’…”
AMY: Mmm. JERRY: “the blood, I get…” “I get very excited about it.” AMY: Hmm…
RYAN: (sighs) AMY: “I see.”
JERRY: “I’m an ENTHUSIAST!” AMY: “Well, so are vampires.” JERRY: “Maybe that’s somethin’
he and I have in common!” AMY: “Yeah you could talk about that.” “Maybe you just got to talk about it.” JERRY: “Yeah…” “You know, I think you might be right!” KATE & KRIS: (whispering to each other)
AMY: “Yeah. I am right.” And then I say it a little bit louder, and I look back even though I know
they can’t hear me, and I’m gonna go, “I am right!”
(laughter) JERRY: “Well, I feel like…” “I feel like we learned a lot.” RYAN: (snorts and laughs) JERRY: “I feel like this
was a very special time.” AMY: “Yeah.” I’m like —
JERRY: “For both of us!” AMY: “Oh, definitely.” “I mean, me too.” KATE: I think you could like… KRIS: Lean in?
KATE: Get him. Yeah, get it. AMY: (uncomfortable) Uh…
(laughter) AMY: Yeah, when he starts going like that, Walnut’s like, “Yup!” JERRY: Yeah exactly.
KATE: (laughs) AMY: Shut it down.
KRIS: Yeah. JERRY: Prom’s coming up. (laughter) AMY: Yeah, no. Walnut’s immediately like, “(clears throat) OK. Well…umm…” “Glad you’re feeling a little
bit better. And, you know…” “door’s right there if you wanna…” “help your cousin out.” JERRY: “Here I’ll be back in just a couple of minutes.” “They won’t…I…these is
tools of DESTRUCTION!” AMY: Obviously. And then Walnut goes, “I know. I know.” “I know a little a little more than–I get it.” KRIS: Oh! Oh… KRIS: Wow.
KATE: Do you wanna show him? KRIS: Oh my God.
AMY: I can’t. AMY: I did–I already did it. JERRY: I just did it. I already did it. KRIS: Dang. I love it! RYAN: Yeah.
AMY: Well…no I can’t. JERRY: Refractory period.
AMY: Wait…it’s a bonus. AMY: But I can’t do it.
No, that was a long turn. JERRY: Yeah, exactly.
KATE: Fuck it. JERRY: No listen, that was not a long turn, that turn was the right fucking length! AMY: Yeah, OK.
KATE: What if you… AMY: It’s OK.
KATE: (whispers) What if you could talk Jerry into it. AMY: It’s OK. KRIS: No, no, no.
JERRY: You’re trying… AMY: I’m like, “Trevor –” KRIS: Don’t, don’t…
AMY: There’s not enough guys. RYAN: Don’t muddy the waters.
KRIS: You gotta leave him wanting more, yeah. JERRY: Alright now. Donaar. (stammers) That was Walnut. Now we’re back to Rosie Beestinger.
KRIS: And I heard the whole thing, and it’s just been like, KRIS: “Oh my god.”
KATE: OK. JERRY: It’s you… and a combatant.
RYAN: It’s like, I can’t wait for the next combatant RYAN: to come in here.
KATE: Yeah. KATE: And I’m st–am I still standing behind him? JERRY: You are lower on the staircase than he is. He is between you and Donaar. KATE: And which way is he facing? JERRY: Right now he can easily
contend with both of you. This is a professional combatant.
RYAN: Hmm. KATE: OK. JERRY: He kills people, basically,
as a job. Literally monsters. KRIS: (laughs)
KATE: OK. KATE: I want to Yoda the shit out of this. JERRY: He’s like the Gobot version of the Witcher. Right? He’s like not the Witcher,
but he’s like Witcher-adjacent. KATE: The Gobot version… JERRY: He’s like Rock Lords.
KRIS: The Witchmen. JERRY: (laughs) KATE: Yeah.
AMY: How dare you! AMY: It’s a rich franchise! JERRY: The Witchster! (laughter) JERRY: It’s alright. Look, please continue. KATE: I’m gonna–I’d like to… take the opportunity to–
I love staircase bannisters; I’m going to… JERRY: Go ham. KATE: Yeah, gonna go ham on the bannister…
JERRY: John Hamm. KATE: John Hamm, obviously. I’m gonna jump on the bannister
that’s closest to the wall and try to parkour my way off of the wall into a–just any angle that
he might not expect. KRIS: Hmm.
KATE: And with both feet. KATE: Just unarmed attacks… with my feet.
JERRY: Just…just…? JERRY: Like some WWE dropkick type stuff?
KATE: Definitely yeah. – I’m gonna try to get my nasty
little Hobbit feet right in his… [JERRY] Right in his zone?
[KATE] Yeah. KRIS: Oh yes. KATE: Right in the mouth.
RYAN: Aim for the haunch. KATE: Right in his face haunch.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: As much as I can.
JERRY: OK. – Acrobatics? KRIS: Blast the haunch. RYAN: (laughs)
JERRY: (stammers) Hold on. JERRY: Is this about you getting Advantage?
KRIS: Blast the haunch. – Eh. I didn’t ask for it. But of course I’ll take it. I’d be delighted!
KRIS: Wow. KATE: (laughs)
JERRY: This is going to be a regular attack with… KATE: That’s fine. That’s fine.
JERRY: In fact it’s actually going to KATE: Aww!
JERRY: be with Disadvantage. – Aww…beans! JERRY: Bam!
RYAN: Aww! – Just because I brought
Pat’s name into it. – Yeah, exactly. I’ll punish the entire lineage. RYAN: I’ll punish the IDEA of Pat. (laughter) KATE: Jeez. Fucking Pat Rothfuss.
JERRY: He’s on here ONE time… KATE: OK.
JERRY: thinks he runs the fucking place. KATE: Now Acrobatics first? Do you want me to take the
Disadvantage on my Acrobatics roll? Or just like, take that for granted?
JERRY: Just the attack. Do the attack. (die clatters) KATE: Alright.
JERRY: It’s fine. This is not going to be super hard. KATE: That was an 18. (die clatters)
KRIS: OK. KATE: And that was a 20! JERRY: Oh! What?
KRIS: Wha…! RYAN: Wah wah! KATE: Looks like somebody might have wasted KATE: his Disadvantage!
JERRY: QQ. JERRY: Do you have the air horn? QQ: (faintly) Yup. JERRY: Thank you.
KATE: (meekly) Thank you. JERRY: I appreciate it.
(air horn sound) (air horn sound) (everyone talking over one another) JERRY: So go ahead and roll the damage dice. The bonus to stay, but
roll the damage dice twice. That’s great news.
KATE: OK. Great. (die clatters)
KATE: So that’s a 7. (die clatters) And a 4. And that’s–I did not attack with my quarterstaff. I just attacked with both feet. KRIS: Bleugh bleugh.
RYAN: Kyaa kyaa! JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
KRIS: Yeah. KATE: Uh so…
JERRY: You just booted him. RYAN: Bicycle kick in midair.
KATE: Yeah so that’s… KATE: 7 and 4 is a total of 11.
JERRY: Liu Kang. RYAN: Yeah, Liu Kang. KATE: 11 damage right to
his tee–teeth and nose. AMY: Right to his teat?!? KATE: Yeah. RYAN: Right to his teats.
JERRY: Right to his teat! KATE: Teats. RYAN: Teats. AMY: (laughs)
JERRY: Right to his ample teat! (laughter) AMY: Right in my teats!
(laughter) JERRY: The T-Zone.
AMY: My teat! JERRY: Absolutely.
RYAN: Where he nurses. JERRY: Exact– (laughs) KRIS: No longer.
KATE: If a tooth… KATE: If a tooth flies out…
KRIS: Never again. JERRY: You’re fine with it. You catch it!
KATE: I’m going to catch it. JERRY: If a tooth flies out,
that counts as a ranged attack. KATE: And I can use my Deflect Missile. Yeah.
RYAN: You catch it and throw it, yeah. KATE: And throw it right back in his fucking eyeball.
RYAN: Right in his eye. KRIS: You throw it back in his socket!
KATE: Teeth? JERRY: No, no, no teeth.
You catch him straight in the chest. KATE: This game sucks! (laughter) JERRY: And you push him
back up against the bannister. KATE: K.
JERRY: And it is at this point that he turns his full fury on you instead. KATE: Fine. KRIS: And he dives at you.
RYAN: I catch his bicuspid. (laughter)
RYAN: Throw it right in his pee-hole. (laughter) JERRY: No, no. Like a cork!
RYAN: Yeah. (laughter) JERRY: And then it’s like…
KRIS: He looks urinating. JERRY: No, no, no. I meant it’s like a… like a…clown balloon animal.
RYAN: Guh! JERRY: It’s just infla–It starts here! And then it goes out and then…
KRIS: (deflating balloon sound) KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: It’s gone. JERRY: That doesn’t happen.
RYAN: It only t–it does 1d8. KATE: It’s just 1d8. JERRY: Aww…sh–! (laughs)
RYAN: It’s not even that much. KATE: Yeah? What’d you roll?
KRIS: No, I like your.. KATE: What’d you roll, Jerr-Bear? JERRY: 2.
KATE: Ah yes. I like it! JERRY: Gooddamn it.
KATE: My Armor Class is higher than 2. AMY: (kissing fingers sounds)
JERRY: His damage is so… JERRY: Oh. His damage is so…
RYAN Yeah. It’s everyone else. JERRY: His damage is so high.
RYAN: For me it’s like, “Oh nat 20’s.” JERRY: His damage is so high.
Donaar Blit’zen. AMY: What? Alright. RYAN: OK, so he swings and missies. So, she knocked him off
balance into the bannister. JERRY: Yeah.
RYAN: He then swings so comically poorly, is he off-balance with his back to me?
JERRY: No… RYAN: Do I have any sort of Advantage here?
JERRY: Duh, do I win? RYAN: It feels like he’s flailing around. KATE: See? See what I taught them how to do?
JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
RYAN: I don’t know… RYAN: In the picture–the beautiful picture
you painted with your words, might I add. RYAN: Just marvelous.
KATE: Gorgeous! RYAN: Uh…gor–yeah. I feel like in my mind, what has been described, he’s like half over the bannister… KATE: Yeah. Maybe almost about to fall…
RYAN: on one leg, swinging wild! KRIS: Suicidal! Probably jumping off.
KATE: Right, right. Yeah. RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: He can’t stand it.
RYAN: He’s lost all will to fight… RYAN: This is what I’m getting.
KRIS: He’s got a tooth in his urethra. (laughter) KRIS: He doesn’t want to live.
RYAN: He’s got a pee-tooth! RYAN: No one wants a pee-tooth. RYAN: Alright. Fine.
JERRY: Alright so. So what’s next? RYAN: Daddy gonna bring out… RYAN: Toothbrush.
JERRY: The Toothbrush? RYAN: Yeah.
JERRY: Let’s hear it. RYAN: So…Toothbrush the sword. KRIS: Right. JERRY: Yeah I know.
KATE: We know. RYAN: OK. JERRY: Percival is the…(laughs) (Jerry, Ryan, and Kris talking over one another)
JERRY: Percival is the toothbrush. AMY: The audience might have forgotten.
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: Good practice. JERRY: Listen, we know the brand.
RYAN: Alright. RYAN: And…I’m goin’ for… Big Daddy swing. KRIS: Mmhmm.
RYAN: I think of my egg back at home. RYAN: Say, “This is for you.” Brings–gives me strength.
KATE: Eggo. RYAN: I go…(hums)
AMY: Cats in the Cradle starts playing. RYAN: (grunts/grumbles “Cats in the Cradle”)
♫ And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon ♫ KATE: I mean maybe before we go
Harry Chapin you wanna make that roll. (laughter)
RYAN: Yeah. KRIS: You can’t RP that roll.
RYAN: But I’m so… RYAN: like… filled with… like…like love for the egg… that I probably get Advantage, right? (laughter) KRIS: But I do roll…
RYAN: No…? RYAN: Alright. Can’t get Disadvantage… JERRY: You are playing–
you are fucking with powers you can’t even POSSIBLY comprehend.
RYAN: Yeah. RYAN: I know.
KRIS: I roll a 15 or higher, I roll a 20. KRIS: I RP the high roll. RYAN: Alright.
(die clatters) AMY: Whoop. RYAN: It’s a 2! Plus 5. It’s a 7. JERRY: That’s too low.
KRIS: ♫ And the cat’s in the cradle ♫ (laughter)
JERRY: It’s too low. KRIS: It’s all wrong it’s like, ♫ And the dog’s in there in my house ♫ (laughter) RYAN: I swing and miss and
there’s just like a record scratch. It’s like on my face. It’s like, Yeah It’s me, Donaar. You’re
probably wondering how I got here. (laughter) RYAN: (record scratch sound) JERRY: So. You… You swing just straight over the top. Like around the bannister.
Gets kinda stuck in the wood. RYAN: It’s cuz he’s so off-balance. It throws me off-balance.
JERRY: Exactly. Yeah, you got fucked up KATE: You blame him?
JERRY: As a result. RYAN: Yeah. KATE: You coulda just stood still! (laughs) KATE: (laughs)
JERRY: Why couldn’t ya? JERRY: It is at this moment, Donaar, AMY: Uh oh.
JERRY: that a mighty foot JERRY: kicks the front door in. AMY: There’s my T-Bone! (laughter)
JERRY: To… KATE: T-Bone!
AMY: (howls) Ha-wooo! JERRY: No, exactly. There is… There is a howl. And it is not a comical howl. KRIS: Oh… AMY: Uh oh.
RYAN: Oh God. JERRY: It is —
AMY: Think he could do me one better? JERRY: It is a musical… AMY: Oh.
RYAN: ♫ Oh… ♫ JERRY: Yeah. It is a musical howl. RYAN: “I said, Trevor, I said
get the goddamn F out of here!” (laughter)
“Not gonna repeat myself!” JERRY: (stammers)
He covers the space from the door to the stairs, on all fours. RYAN: Hmm.
JERRY: Just loping… JERRY: Just–you don’t know how it’s happening. He seems to be rolling there, almost. RYAN: You’re gonna make
me fight this…thing. AMY: Naw.
RYAN: He’s gonna get — KATE: He’s on our side,
but you don’t know that. RYAN: He’s gonna get bloodlust
the second he murders this thing. AMY: It’s fine. I’ve…I’ll plan. KATE: (whispers) If he asks you
to prom, you have to say yes. RYAN: Yeah.
JERRY: Yeah, I’m…sorry. JERRY: We don’t make the rules.
KATE: (laughs) RYAN: I’m gonna Command… KATE: I asked Chris Perkins about
it when we were at Wizards. I was like, “Does she have to say yes if
he asks her to prom?” And he said yes. RYAN: Well if Chris said it.
KATE: It’s just… AMY: Well…
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: (clears throat) Umm he… he… lopes up the bottom of the stairs… and then… like just pushes you aside. KATE: Gently?
JERRY: Gently. KATE: That’s so sweet. OK.
JERRY: He’s not mean. He’s not mean. RYAN: He caresses…
JERRY: He just barrels into him JERRY: and is just on his chest like this. He deals damage. You can see
his claws flexing in his fingers. But he does not kill the foe. K’thriss Drow’b. AMY: But now he’s knocked prone. KRIS: Umm…
RYAN: I can get two for one on that… JERRY: (laughs) Just this–it’s like on top of a
club sandwich. Just like the — KRIS: Is this guy–how’s this guy looking? RYAN: I warned him to get the hell out of… KRIS: Pretty sour?
JERRY: He’s not… JERRY: He’s not ready for…He’s not ready. He’s having a bad day. KATE: Not ready for his close up? KRIS: OK. Umm… (smacks lips) KRIS: I’m just gonna…reach up… and grab another one of these stars.
JERRY: Yeah. Fling it? KRIS: And fling it. KRIS: Yeah.
KATE: Yum yum. KRIS: Toss it. Umm…Mmm (smacks lips) RYAN: From your K’thlasp.
KRIS: Let me grab these. (die clatters) AMY: Ooo. KRIS: That’s going to be 10.
KATE: Oh my God. AMY: Big money. JERRY: Jesus!
KRIS: That’s going to be 10. JERRY: That’s not why I gave it to you. I gave it to you so you can do real da–
you can deal 3 or 4 damage… RYAN: Mmhmm. JERRY: Tops.
KRIS: That’s what my actual attack does. (laughter) KRIS: It’s 1d10.
JERRY: Exactly. KRIS: It’s not great. JERRY: (stammers)
This time you seen how it works. KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: You experiment with it. JERRY: You throw it even higher and it seeks the target of your choice. So wherever you throw it, it can find targets. And it seeks them out with
these structures it creates. KRIS: Yeah. JERRY: That…yeah. Those pierce him through. KRIS: I’m gonna —
JERRY: He collapses on the stairs. KRIS: As a little flavor, I’m gonna pierce– let’s do it right at his claw points. (whispers) So he thinks he did it! AMY & KATE: Awww…
RYAN: Ugh. KATE: That’s so sweet! KRIS: “Cuz I heard you guys talking.”
JERRY: Yeah, exactly. AMY: He did. KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: Yeah, he–Trevor stands up over the top of his foe and he looks at his massive paws that —
RYAN: You made him think he’s a murderer. JERRY: that apparently have
a power he never knew. Almost certainly connected with the incredible pep talk KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: received in the moonlight KRIS: Mmhmm. AMY: Mmhmm.
JERRY: outside. JERRY: Maybe there’s a new life for him. KATE: (whispers) Oh my God. KRIS: My man! JERRY: So, how are we dealing with this down here?
KRIS: So exciting. JERRY: You can hear the great clock… bong, down below. KATE: Yeah. That clock bong. JERRY: It’s that clock bong, nah’mean? KATE: (laughs)
KRIS: We can hear the clock bong. KRIS: What sound does it make? (laughter)
JERRY: Shut up. (laughter)
JERRY: So… JERRY: How are you going
to manage this stair issue? AMY: Anybody got any illusions? KATE: I do!
JERRY: There’s some corpses… RYAN: I loot the bodies! KATE: Yes. Great.
KRIS: Good idea. KATE: Get all the toothpicks.
RYAN: Yeah. KATE: What should I illuzshe?
What are you thinking? AMY: Well I come running
inside and I’m just like, “TREVOR!” JERRY: (stammers)
Are you looking for the wolf high five? AMY: Oh yeah. JERRY: You take 20 damage. (laughter)
JERRY: No. RYAN: The high paw? KRIS: The arm comes off. JERRY: It’s real, though. It happens. AMY: It reverberates.
JERRY: It’s a lot. RYAN: I want to loot the main guy.
JERRY: You set your feet. AMY: Let’s loot real quick and then…
RYAN: Yeah, I loot the main guy. KATE: Let’s loot them all.
AMY: let’s hide. RYAN: Everyone can loot their own —
KRIS: While you guys are looting… RYAN: Yeah.
KRIS: I instruct Velvet to… KRIS: “Clean this up. Do your best. It’s a lot to ask.”
KATE: Oh my God. KATE: Sweet little Velvet.
JERRY: So, so… JERRY: Couple tugs…of the velvet, and then it’s completely invisible. KRIS: Right.
JERRY: And then it begins sweeping… JERRY: the ichor and blood… off of the increasingly dark red KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: velvet. KRIS: It won’t know. It’s not the first time.
JERRY: Yeah, exactly. JERRY: (stammers) And then you
can see just like the hand… Now the hand and the leg
are being dragged down. RYAN: We did this in front of, like…servants, right?
JERRY: Yeah. RYAN: You knocked that glass pane.
KRIS: Yeah. RYAN: They watched this whole thing happen.
JERRY: Yeah. AMY: They don’t care.
RYAN: So we like, “Hey! Little help?” JERRY: With intense lethargy. RYAN: Yeah. KATE: How…
JERRY: Now — KATE: How happy would
the vampires be if we did offer them these dead bodies,
as like a yum yum? AMY: No, they like live. They need live ones.
RYAN: Don’t they need living? Yeah. KATE: They’re almost alive.
KRIS: Yeah. RYAN: Haven’t you ever seen
Interview with the Vampire? JERRY: Yeah, I mean, with America’s Tom Cruise.
KATE: OK. KRIS: It’s a good thought. KATE: Yeah.
RYAN: Brad Pitt’s greatest role! KATE: I’m trying to be sweet.
AMY: Louis du Pointe du Lac. RYAN: Aww sweet Louis. KATE: I’m trying to do nice things.
JERRY: Alright, so… JERRY: You keep track of stuff. KRIS: Oh. Yes! Let me write these down now…
RYAN: Oh yeah, what do I get out of that body? JERRY: Exactly. Total from the three, there is: 27 gold,
KRIS: Mmhmm. AMY: Take it. JERRY: and two scrolls. AMY: Two box of Omaha steaks. (laughs)
RYAN: Ooo. KRIS: Yeah, get those. RYAN: Put those with the Percival wands RYAN: that we never looked into.
KATE: They’re just a good deal. KRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: You have them. JERRY: Anytime you bring them up I can work them in.
KRIS: Yeah. I tried to look at the crystal ball earlier. JERRY: Yeah. You’ve been trying to look
at the crystal ball for fucking three weeks! KRIS: It’s like a month!
RYAN: I know. JERRY: You can’t do it. It’s like a Rubik’s Cube. KRIS: Somebody else can do an Arcana check on it.
JERRY: Know what I mean? KATE: I got Arcana check. KRIS: Yeah.
RYAN: I don’t have Arcana. History. JERRY: So Velvet is continuing to
manipulate these scenarios. You only have him for another half hour or so, but,
KRIS: Yeah. JERRY: should be enough time
for him to do that kind of stuff. You get up to the top of the stairs, that have you know… This part seems to be OK.
KRIS: Hmm. JERRY: You enter into the party. It seems like they’re well in
their cups of whatever it might be. At this point… the band is just finished it.
You can hear a round of applause… KRIS: Mmhmm. JERRY: from the crowd. AMY: (quiet cheer)
JERRY: The band says, JERRY: “There is–when we do shows like this…” “there’s a song that we’d like to end on.” KRIS: Hmm! JERRY: “We are Acquisitions Incorporated.” “DEATH to all vampires!” RYAN: Oh… (bangs table)
JERRY: That’s this game. AMY: Come one!
RYAN: (laughs) JERRY: It’s true. KRIS: WHAT?! KATE: That’s the name of the song?
AMY: Besmirch the name? JERRY: That’s true. JERRY: That’s what it’s called.
KATE: Aww that nuts. KRIS: Maybe it’s going to be a parody. JERRY: It could be like a Weird Al thing?
RYAN & KRIS: Yeah. JERRY: Stream friends. We will come back and
hang out with you shortly. After we make use of the facilities. Come on back for Table Talk
in just a couple of minutes. Until then, enjoy some chiptunes.