Color Full Lives Season 5 | Ep. 2: Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married | State Farm®

(State Farm jingle) – Welcome to an all new
episode of Color Full Lives presented by State Farm. This season, you we’ve
been focusing on the things that we wish that we knew
before major life events. In this week’s episode, we’re going to dig into what you should know
before getting married. We’ve covered some of
this in our past episodes, but what are some of the best practices for saving for a wedding, Tonya? (laughing) – You know, I think that one of the most important things to think about is just being aware of the cost associated with a wedding ceremony. I don’t enough people
do that, especially now in this social media generation. And deciding what’s
really important to you. Like, you know– – [Aminatou] So how do you decide that? – It’s about family and friends. Well, I think it requires a conversation between you and your significant other. I think you should make a list of like what’s important to me, what’s kind of important to me and what doesn’t matter at all and then you compare your
list with your partner and then you say, oh,
is this on your list, this is on your list and I think you make your
decision based on that. – [Angela] What was important to you? – For me it was the music. – Okay, okay. – That’s what I’m talking about. – Yeah, for me, it was the– – Let’s go back in time
and go to your wedding. – We need to Wobble.
– We had the Wobble, right. I’m a line dancer. But really and when people like my friends who were at the wedding, so our hashtag was flash wedding bash, if you want to check it out
on social media you can. But my friends who were
at the wedding, you know, they were like wow, that
was a real fun reception. I was like mission accomplished. – [Angela] It was. – You know, like my flowers, none of that, they were beautiful, but we
did a destination wedding and I think that was
important for us, too, to have a lighthearted experience because there’s so much
pressure around getting married. I’m sure you guys realize. – I have to think about
it now because, you know, one day if I do get married and
we have those conversations, listen a destination
wedding is a great idea ’cause then everyone can’t go. – Like you just worry
about a wedding list. – And so you have to also
think about the list, but then there’s people
that you want to be there, but maybe they don’t have the finances, so now do I have to pay. – Yeah, I didn’t– – They’re supposed to be family members. – Yeah, we did the destination. Listen. It doesn’t stop us from getting married. – Let’s see pictures. – Like at the end of the day, you had to think about,
the wedding is about you and your significant other, that’s how I looked at it. As long as I’m there and he’s there, anybody else, if they
can get there, great. – Please let him be there, right? – No, but I get it. I know people, and so I do know people who sidelined their dream of having a destination wedding because
someone in their family and then unfortunately like something happened to that person,
like that person passed and so now you’ve invested all this money in a stateside wedding for someone who’s no longer gonna be at your wedding and now you’re paying
these stateside prices rather than having the destination wedding you really wanted. So it boils down to who is
this about because like– – But what about if his
family can’t afford it, like immediate family, like now I gotta get his sister, his mom, his dad. – Girl, I don’t know Angie. – You said, too bad. – Angela, who are all these people that you’re paying for? – Because you have to think sometimes, I always take into consideration like people that are important to me and financially is it too much for me to have a destination wedding. You know, because it is
a flight, it is a room. And then do you expect to get a present? – No. – I think as a wedding guest, a frequent wedding guest, if you go to a destination wedding, your presence is a present. – [Tonya] I didn’t expect
anyone who attended to buy us a present. – Right, I think that if
they’re very close friends, of course you’ll give
them a gift, you know, in the way that you want to do it, but I think that if you’re asking people to pay for a flight, to
pay for accommodation and all that stuff, that’s the present that they’re giving you. – Now, if you want to give a present. – Does that mean people accept it? – Our guest registry, we still use gifts from our registry and I’m like man, I’m so happy I put this on the registry. Like I made waffles with our waffle maker. I was like this is such
a good waffle maker. I’m so glad we got this as wedding gift. – Do you prefer money or gifts? Because they always say
you’re supposed to pay at least for what your plate cost. – That’s how it is in my culture. – Yeah, it is. I think it depends. Like there are certain gifts. We all have those gifts that we wouldn’t have bought it if someone gave us the money for it, but because someone bought it, you use it. So I think in that instance, but I’m just grateful for whatever we get. So it’s like if you want
to give money, cool. If you want to buy something
off our registry, cool. If you want to buy something that wasn’t on our registry, you thought about us and you decided to part with money that
you worked hard on. – Yeah, but you know a thing that I think can be frustrating
about this conversation is that like a wedding is very
different from a marriage. Like you don’t have to have a wedding to have a marriage. – Exactly. – A wedding is a party and I think that in our culture, we use weddings as a gift grab. Like people are just like we want them– – I’m ’bout to come up. – My feeling is– – Right now it’s a big photo op. – Yeah, my feeling is there’s two of you and you’re 30 and you live together and you don’t already own a waffle iron, I’m like I have many concerns there. – Don’t judge us. Amina’s judging us. – I have a waffle maker,
I just want to say. – I’m not judging you. I just think that, you know, showing up for your
friends who are married. – It wasn’t a deluxe waffle maker. – How expensive was it? But you know what I mean? Because I think that a lot of tension that occurs in friendship
sometimes is that. It’s like you’re friends with people and then the next thing you know, it’s like can you be my bridesmaid and then you’re paying $17,000. You know what I mean. – That’s a whole other situation. But you know I do think with a wedding, so I used to be an assistant
wedding planner in college. – How many lives have you lived? – It all makes sense. – So yeah, when I went to
school in South Florida, one of my relatives had a
wedding planning business, so to make extra money I
would assist her day of and I remember we have
like and $82,000 wedding that I was assisting and
the food was amazing. It was extravagant and within one year they were divorced. – Ooh, I went to a
wedding that was $400,000. – [Tonya] Oh, my gosh. – Are they divorced? – They are no longer together. – See, you should ask for your gift back. – You know what they
spend a lot of money on at that wedding, fireworks. – But this is what I’m
saying like a wedding is a party, right? It’s a flex of logistically
what are you to people capable of. It doesn’t say a lot
about everything else. – There’s an opportunity
to flex differently because if you’re not investing, a wedding is not an investment, let’s get that clear. But you can use that, it’s not, but you can use the money to actually invest in something such as buy a property and I know for me, we
were living in New York, we didn’t own and so I was like I refuse to spend an XYZ amount of money on a wedding and we don’t own property, like we don’t own things– – Right, it doesn’t make sense. – Of this value. And so $400,000. I hope to God your assets are more than $400,000 ’cause if not, you should
have invested that. – Plus, you could tell already somebody didn’t invest wisely if they’re spending $400,000 on a wedding. Now a couple of other things I wanted to ask about when it comes to, to planning a wedding because some people obviously like have huge families and some people don’t. Now I also went to a wedding recently where the bride’s family was
all in the room with them during the reception and they
had like a separate room, his family, the groom. – Of how big their family party was. – It was like a division so we couldn’t even like see her, but I think she planned everything. – Like a broadcast kind of– – You could have watched that at home. – Like an overflow room? – Yeah, we were like in the overflow room. – You could have watched that from home. – My family was so mad. – That’s a poppin’ couple. You got an overflow room at your wedding. – Yeah, so how do you
avoid offending people at a wedding when clearly
like the room they had, some people had to be
in the overflow room, how would you have handled that situation? – I feel like people just
need to check their emotions. I think that so many, and I don’t know, I’m just big on, people feel so entitled and it’s like first if all, if it’s not a destination wedding, you didn’t pay to come to my wedding, so if you go in an overflow room, like you’re about to eat for free, you’re about to dance for free, you’re probably gonna drink for free, like you know, so it’s
like, get what you can. I don’t know. I always am checking my entitlement to other people’s experiences and I’m just happy that they thought I should play a part in this day. – I think it’s just about
communicating well, right. Like if you were, and I
think that that’s usually a lot of the problems, the kind, when you feel feelings about
other people’s weddings, it’s just because you didn’t know. You didn’t have enough information, so if it’s communicated to you like, hi, we have a lot of family. Our family is our priority. We love you, we want you to be there, but you’re gonna be in
the church overflow room. – But it was his family was in that room. – See, that’s kind of shady, though. – That’s what I’m saying. It was her family was all in the room and then my family was all
in like a different room. And we were just like can’t see what’s going on, can’t hear anything. – That’s when I feel like you should just wait or something like that because that’s different. I feel like that if you can’t do it in a way that it’s tasteful, then you might need to wait or look at other options. – Well, people don’t feel
empowered to do that. There’s so much pressure to be like we’re engaged, we have to get married. – [Tonya] Pressure from who? – I agree with you, the pressure
is usually internal, right. – [Tonya] Can you pressure
us to stay married? How about that? How about that pressure. – What do you think is a good price to spend on a wedding? If you had to guesstimate. – I don’t know Ang, I
think that’s relative. I think that is relative. – It depends on where you live also. – What’s the average price
that a person spends? – I think $30,000. – The average wedding is like $35,000, which is not what I paid. In full transparency,
all in transportation, everything included,
our wedding was $13,000. – [Angela] Okay, wedding planner. – We paid for it cash and for me it was really important to have our wedding in Jamaica so we could support the local economy. So even our, like our florist, everybody, my makeup artist, everyone came from the island, it wasn’t from the actual resort. We were very intentional about that. – Can you imagine going
into debt for a wedding? That sounds like you’re
starting backwards. – But people do and like
the couple $400,000, I don’t know their situation, but can you imagine paying bills on a wedding after
you’ve gotten a divorce. Like what kind of incentive do you have, like I can’t stand this person and now I’m still paying on this setting. I would question everything. I questioned all my financial decisions up until that point. – Now they always also say that once vendors know that it’s a wedding. – [Tonya] Yeah. – Then the always charge your more. – [Tonya] I’ve heard that,
but I couldn’t lie about it. – That’s true. I helped plan a friend’s wedding because I was the one officiating and so she delegated a could tasks. Like for me it was like can you find me a cake and also I had to deal a little bit with the venue and we never said there was a wedding. We were like our friends
are having a party, which was true. Our friends were having a party, they got married in the park and they did my favorite thing because they both don’t
like wedding receptions and so because a lot of people were coming from out of
town for the wedding, they just gave everybody
a list of who was there and they were like here are restaurants, you guys just do your thing and then we’ll come
back to dance together. So it’s like ceremony, come out to dance. But it was so them and it was great, but I remember the woman from the gallery that they got married at was so mad when she saw like a wedding dress and a wedding cake and I was like what’s the difference? But I’m like what’s the difference? – Why does it cost more to rent the space? – What is the difference? – I understand both sides. – They did that thing that
they’re supposed to do and why do you feel entitled to charge like a third more because it’s a wedding. – I was such an honest a person. They’d be like what is it for and I’d be like. – [Aminatou] My wedding. You’re were like flash bash hashtag. – What kind of party,
what are you celebrating? – A union. – I’m getting married, like it was like I could not lie about it. It’s like I’d show up and
they’d be like oh, really. – Like with the florist, I would think that you could just say
we’re having an event and we need, no? – [Tonya] Then I was sending references. – Same thing with the cake. – So then I was sending references because they asked. But how can you, like a wedding cake is a wedding cake. – They got a non-traditional wedding cake, so we found the cake. – You have to have a very
non-traditional situation. – Have a cheesecake from Junior’s. – No, we got this like
beautiful French cake. But you know what I mean? I also think that like your, a thing that like, I always get excited about a wedding when I go and you’re like the wedding
is a true reflection of who the couple is, so
you should just do things because this is the way
that everybody does them. – Exactly. – If this is the kind of,
because it’s just about like what kind of host are you? So if you are the kinds of host that like, your wedding would not have a cake and would have like a tower
of cheese for example, I was like that’s you
and I appreciate that because this is who you are. – Yeah. – And I think there are
just people, you know, people just do things that
they feel expected to do instead of just saying this is how we want to host our community on
the day of our wedding. – And I think that, you know, regardless of if we’re talking about weddings or dating or talking about
money with your partner, it doesn’t get any easier to talk about difficult financial topics by avoiding them. Avoiding doesn’t fix anything. But practice makes perfect. And so you know, a lot
of people want to know when is the right time
to talk to your partner about credit, et cetera
and things like that. And it depends on the
nature of your relationship. It depends on the person, it depends on where you are in your life. But one of the biggest tips that we can give to couples that share
financial responsibilities or liabilities is to schedule those regular financial dates, like check in when it comes to your money. Have conversations. Where are we going, what
is our vision as a couple. And being open and honest about your financial situations and goals. It can feel intimidating,
but it shouldn’t, especially if you’re
going to spend your life with this person. – Right, I think before
you move in together, you definitely have to have those talks about credit and finances because once you start sharing those things, I need to know, like, can we both get this apartment together
with our names on it or is your credit messed up. I need to know those things. – [Tonya] Yeah, what is
your plan to fix this. – And I like to look at
people’s spending habits, like are they extravagant,
do they make sure all their stuff, I need to know what those habits are because I’m very anal when it comes to money and my credit is really good and it took a long time for me to make that happen and I don’t need no man, okay. – Sinking your ship. – Dragging my credit town. – You do not need him sinking your ship, you can do that by yourself. – It’s also a compatibility thing, right. I don’t, you know,
because I think sometimes when we have this conversation, a lot of people feel ashamed because they’re like oh, like one partner doesn’t have it together
and the other partner has it together and it doesn’t have to be, that’s not the actual disconnect. The disconnect is if you’re not moving in the same direction. – [Tonya] Exactly. – You can build credit together. – You can fix so many problems, like we’ve been so open
about like fixing our credit and getting better about, you know like you taught me about checking my bank account every day. – I check my credit cards,
everything all the time. – But you can help each other grow, right. And also when you’re
partnered with someone, that’s the bargain that you’re making. You’re like okay, we’re
gonna support each other, but if you are not
compatible in the things that you want and you don’t have that forward momentum together, your relationship probably is not going to work. – Right, and you have to check in when it comes to those big purchases. I don’t wanna think
that you’re gonna go out there and like buy a brand new car and not say anything to me about it. – Oh, man, me and my
husband would get a divorce if I came home and he had a new car. Don’t do it Karm. – I definitely know people
that have done that, you know. I mean look, people don’t even like when you don’t even consult like I bought a brand new TV. Like let me know that you’re about– – Yeah, let’s just talk about this. I’m gonna say do it, but at least respect me enough to have this conversation with me before you make
this big financial decision. – Right, and also if they’re not telling, the not telling is, that’s very telling. Yeah, you feel. I was like what else are you not saying. And also, you shouldn’t
have any hangups about it. I’m like if you’re gonna
spend your life with someone, you need to know their money. ‘Cause now it’s all of our money, so let’s talk about it. – All of our money. His money is my money. – It’s all of our money. But you know. And I love that you use the word liability because I think a lot of people don’t think about it that way. It’s like well, yeah, if you’re partnered with someone, their debt affects you. If affects your relationship
if you marry them, their debt definitely affects you and you are in a lot of
states on the hook for it. And you know you might as well know and not have a nasty
surprise at sometimes. – My boyfriend has to be able to talk money with me the way I talk to you guys about money. – My husband, yeah, we talk about money almost too much. I’m like just because I do money doesn’t mean I want to
talk about it all the time and he’ll say well, you’re the money girl. I’m just like no, no. – The money girl. – I do other things. – I just wanna watch trash TV. – All she does is money. (jingle) – We’re talking a lot
about getting married in this week’s episode and we hope sharing our perspectives helps. But this podcast isn’t the only resource. There are nearly 19,000 State Farm agents across the United States who are waiting to help protect what’s important to you and guide you through
major life milestones. For this week Ask an Agent segment, we reached out to Zanetta Harris Glover who has an office on Newark, New Jersey and we got some practical advice you’ll want to consider
before tying the knot. – What’s up ladies? This week I’m gonna share how couples can work towards financial success. First, review insurance
needs and coverages. Update your information, add your partner to your home and auto
and insurance policies. Consider updating the beneficiaries on your life insurance policy and retirement accounts. And if you both have
health insurance plans provided by your employers, choose whether you will keep one or
both and act accordingly. Second, be open. Discuss your finances and set goals. Whether you choose to combine accounts or keep them separate, it is important to sit down regularly and discuss progress towards your larger financial goals such as buying a home, paying for college and saving for retirement. Now, if you and your
spouse plan to buy a home or make a major home renovation, a State Farm bank money
market savings account may be the way to go. Another thing to consider
is a estate planning. If you haven’t already,
create a living trust with your spouse to reflect
your combined assets. Create power of attorney and
medical directive documents. Also, have a will or trust in place. Having one could make the settlement of your estate easier and faster. There are many variety of wills and trust to fit the needs of each individual. Only a qualified attorney
should draft these documents. And for more tips on
balance money as a couple, talk to your local State Farm agent or visit us at (State Farm jingle) – Now in the first half of our show, we were talking about money
dates, schmoney dates. So it only felt right that we invite one of our favorite couples
Cody and Tommy Oliver from Black Love, it’s now
in its third season on OWN, to give us some of their tips for a happy, healthy marriage and how to make it easier to talk about money with your honey. – Hey, y’all, it’s Codie and Tommy Oliver from Black Love and we are here to share our top three tips on how to have a happy, healthy
relationship with your boo and your money. – No. – No? – With yourself, myself and our money. – And our money, okay. So, okay. So, you know, one of the first tips that we have is talk
about money very early, like as early as possible. – True. – You know, talk about your saving habits, your spending habits,
your investing desires. I say desires because when
we had this conversation, we didn’t have no money. But the sooner that you at least know what the other person is planning or wants to do, the better
informed you can be. Notice I didn’t say
getting on the same page, ’cause that might not happen. – It is what it is. – We did not. We’ll get there. So, the second thing is to be honest with your partner. Speak openly about your patterns, maybe the patterns of your parents, the things that you have picked up about spending and saving
and all that stuff. Because transparency will help
strengthen the relationship. – Mm-hmm. – Especially if you don’t agree. And then lastly, especially, do what works for you as a couple. Because everyone has advice and opinions about what you should do with your money, but all that matters is what you and your partner wanna do. – Actually there is one
thing that should happen. Work with your credit. – Yes, there’s one thing
we can totally agree on, work on your credit, it matters. It opens all the doors. Yes, that’s a good
point, we agree on that. Because here’s what we don’t agree on and we were talking about
this just last night. The idea of having an emergency fund. Tommy, it’s important
to him that we invest in ourselves, that we
invest in our businesses and it’s important to me to make sure that we’re saving a little
bit for a rainy day. – Those aren’t the same things. An emergency fund does not equal savings. – It is saving, it is putting money aside. – Those aren’t the same thing. – No, they’re not the same. – But you said, I don’t believe, no, you said that I’m not,
but that’s inaccurate, I’m not a fan of an emergency fund, but the idea of understand savings versus the opportunity cause of making that money work for us. – So do you want an emergency fund? – An emergency fund of a
reasonable amount is important. – Oh. Well. So, then we’re gonna have an emergency fund starting tomorrow. All right, well, we have
to keep it really short because we are actually going off to one of our monthly money meetings. And so we’ll catch you girls later. – Tonya, I know that you’ve
said so much about this before. – Yeah, I think, you know building out a budget requires you to think about what our long-term financial goals are, what are short-term financial goals are, but I think at the cornerstone of budget, like they said is, you know, an emergency fund. Like you always want to make sure that you’re prioritizing,
creating that emergency fund because nothing stresses out a marriage or a relationship more than
having financial trouble. Like you’ll see a
completely different side of that person and you’ll
start to question everything. – It might be me you’ll see
a different side of, okay. – Yeah, like wait, you
didn’t plan for our future. – How do you decide
how much you’re putting in an emergency fund? Like what’s the calculation
behind what that’s supposed to be because each couple has different needs. – Yeah, I mean that’s a great question and it is essentially
looking at your expenses. It is looking at what your responsible for and then based on what
you’re responsible for, you know, most people, we
recommend three to six months of your overhead. But you have to, it really
comes down to the couple. It really comes down to
the couple as we’ve seen, like all couples are different. Everyone has different philosophies, everyone has different
financial responsibilities. People have different
support systems in place. You know, some people come
from wealthy families, some people come from you know situations where they’re supporting their parents. So, it’s like, it’s sometimes
not just your household, it’s the other household you’re supporting outside of your household, so how much you have set aside is
gonna look different. – The idea of combining my finances is so scary to me. – [Tonya] I know, and honestly
that’s one of the things. – It is stressing me out even just hearing your talk about it. – That’s one of the things I love about Black Love and watching that show is you just see so many couples and how they’ve overcome certain things. Personally knowing Tommy and Codie, they are just, they’re awesome. I remember when we had Karis, when I was pregnant with Karis, I asked Tommy, I was
like how can I make sure that I’m not invalidating Kamari and his role as a father because I think the mother would always want to step in, so it was like how can I make sure that he feels like a
confident parent, as well. And they’re just great, as you’ve seen, they have so much knowledge. – Yeah, you know, as the
single person at the table, this conversation is
really fascinating to me because I have a very
good sense for myself of what my emergency
fund needs to look like. I have a sense of you
know, like how do I prepare if I lose my own job or if
I want to change careers, but how does that change
when there’s another person in the mix. – Like how do you bring
someone into that situation. – You know what I appreciate
that my boyfriend does is that he always, I don’t really have to give money to my
family as much as he does, but even though it’s his
money, he always tells me. Because I know for a lot of people, a lot of couples, that
turns into an issue, like wait, you gave such
and such money again. You gave your brother money, you gave your sister money, you gave your mom. And I know a lot of times
that can be an issue, but I think it’s a good practice now. Like he might not tell anybody else in the family, but he’ll tell me like just so you know, I
just gave X amount of money. – That’s really good and that’s
really responsible of him because I think that especially even when you’re not necessarily married yet, you’re still, not dating, but you’re in a long-term relationship, you just haven’t fused your lives together formally with marriage, people think that you don’t have to
communicate certain things, so that’s really good and that’s really responsible of him to talk about it. – Can I ask her, when
you communicate that, is it like high level, or do you say like there’s a dollar amount that, you know, like I’m comfortable with you spending this on something or I’m comfortable like giving this money, like is there a threshold that you’re like if that happens, we gotta talk about it. – I had to do that in my marriage. I don’t know if we talked
about this last season, but I found out my husband paid one of his family member’s rent and didn’t tell me until
like something hit the fan and I was like wait, what? So let me get this right and so that was our compromise was okay, as long as you are meeting all
of your financial goals and we’re on track with our goals, you can do what you want
with your extra money. But anything over $1,000
we have to talk about it. – And do you have to tell each other if you get a bonus or something or like an unexpected check comes in. – I don’t have to tell anyone if I get a bonus, but someone should probably tell me if they get a bonus. – Yeah, I mean I do. – Like maybe you get an unexpected large amount of money that
he doesn’t necessarily know about, is that something
that you have to disclose? – We communicate about it. We do. We communicate about it. – There’s some things you might not know. – Communicate is such a nebulous word. – We communicate about it. – Well, I mean, I know,
I guess the question is if you’re not saying
something about money, I mean like why aren’t you saying it? – You walked in here with
these new clothes on. – And I’ve started
being better about that. I’m interested to see what other people do with it comes to it. – Yeah, so I mean that’s a good segue way, though, like do you share
every kind of account? You know, or do you
have like one common pot where we all contribute and then you have your own separate thing or is it you have access to every single thing that everyone is doing
in your relationship? – Personally, for us, we have
our own separate accounts and we have a house account and we know what our
household expenses are. We deposit an amount into
our household account to cover our household expenses and then we have our own. – Is is a percentage like
based on what you make, like say, all right,
let’s talk about this. What if one partner doesn’t work. Then should the bread winner set aside a percentage to the significant other that’s not working and how do you do that? – Well, that’s a tough one. – So much of it is doing
what works for you. I know, I can only say like our household is different from our parents’ household. Me and my mom actually had a conversation about this recently, ’cause I found out my dad pays all the bills and my mom pays for her car note and, you know, certain things that are related to her personally and I brought it up to my husband and he was like well. – My life would be so different. – That’s, um, so that’s
what you wanna to do. I was like I’m not saying
that’s I want to do, but for us it’s different because we’re both entrepreneurs and
so one month one person, or you know for a couple months one of us might have an amazing contract and then the next couple of months my husband might have an amazing project and he picks up more of the bills and so for us, flexibility
is the most important thing and being flexible and understanding okay, this is what you have going, this is what your financial goal is. I know like I’ve mentioned before, I created debt building my business. When I decided I wanted
to eliminate my debt, I talked to my husband and said, hey, I want to become debt free, so would you mind, you know, taking care of most of the
household responsibilities so that I can do this,
so I can focus on this and he was okay with
it and then after that, he was like, you know,
client work has kind of slowed down, let’s have a conversation about going back to the
arrangement we had before and I didn’t have a problem with that. And then when Karis came, it was I’m on maternity leave, so I’m not able to work as much as you are and so the trade off of you going out and me being in the house, you know, I have two jobs now. – Yeah, you’re working now with the baby. – And so, you know, we had
a conversation about that and so I think, you have to be flexible, you have to know what works for you. You want both parties to feel like you’re being fair. You don’t want someone to feel like they’re being taken advantage of. – Yeah, and it also depends what kind of commitment you
made to someone right, like I’m thinking about partners that I’ve lived with and sometimes it was well, we’re splitting everything 50/50 because that’s where we are at in our relationship, right? And other times, like one time when I dated someone who was
much wealthier than me, it took me a long time to figure out, like oh, I don’t need to be going halfsies with this person. I mean no, like this is not how that. – But if he wanted you to. – Right, but I just think
that the impulse is, the impulse is to talk about it, but also you can have different kind of commitments to people, like dating someone is very different from being married to them. It’s very different from making– – I think if you’re married, the money is, say one person is stays at home, but they’re working, like they’re taking care of everything on that end, I don’t think that you should give them an allowance. I feel like your money is
our money kind of, right, if they’re a responsible person with money and you know they’re not gonna go out and blow it all and go shopping. – I think it just depends on different people like different
things, but you should just be able to talk about it and it should just live up to your values. Some people have very old school values and like I don’t respect
it and I don’t like it, like I would never been in a relationship where you’re someone who gets an allowance to do whatever. – I wouldn’t want to have to ask. Yeah, I couldn’t imagine having to ask, like oh, I want to go– – No, and I think at the end of the day, no, when you’re in a relationship, no one should be left completely
in the dark financially. At the end of the day, it’s important to have
some level of communication and respect for that other person because, you know, money is important. It’s an important component
of our relationships and acting like it doesn’t exist or not talking about it
can create more problems than actually addressing money head on in a relationship. – Because sometimes people use finances as a weapon in a relationship, too, to make somebody feel really bad about, well, I take care of everything and I hold it down and
I’m the bread winner and you need to do this and I’m not gonna give you any money to do anything because they can do
that and that would make another person feel
terrible I would imagine. – Exactly, even though
financial abuse is real. As I shared before, I think that was what, season four, when I was a guest before I joined you guys. – The best guest we ever had. – That was part of my experiences being in financially
abusive relationships. I’m very sensitive to that
in my own relationship, but I’m also sensitive to that when I’m working with clients, when I’m talking to friends and they’re explaining things. Like you have an allowance. You are a 34-year-old woman and I don’t care if you don’t work. If you don’t feel good about this, then this is a red light and maybe you’re not in a financially abusive relationship, maybe it’s something
you guys have agreed on, but make sure it’s something you agreed on and you feel good about. – Yeah, you know, and something you’ve been really good
about articulating, too, Tonya, is just talking about how the way that you spend your money actually says about the trust in your
relationship, you know, so even hearing you talk about a joint, like a house account, I
was like that is an act of trust in someone, you
know, of saying like okay, we’re both doing this,
we’re in the same place. – Well, actually so my
husband, as y’all know, he doesn’t know his debit card number. ‘Cause he doesn’t ever
like use the house account and it’s really, it’s me, but. – For paying the bills. – Yeah, but we both get notifications. It’s funny because a few weeks ago, he’s like I’m getting
a lot of notifications from the house account. Are you spending money
on the house account? – Yeah, things are due. Because there was a point where he knew his debit card number and he wasn’t checking the account like he should before
he was spending money or he wasn’t checking what was due. – ‘Cause he trusts you. – Yeah, and I was like, we still have to pay the phone bill, we
still have to pay this. You know what, just don’t
spend out the house account. Okay, just don’t. – I’m in charge. – I said just don’t spend or ask me before you spend, but now he doesn’t now his debit card number, so. – Is it hard to buy a surprise or a gift because you guys are do tied in? – Oh, no, because we both
have individual accounts, so we have a joint house account, we have a joint house savings account and then we have our
individual savings accounts and our individual checking accounts and then I have my business savings, my business checking,
so I do things for him out of my personal, to me it’s not a gift if you buy me something out of my account. – Like the house account? – No, that’s not a gift. ‘Cause I contributed to that gift. But I think that, you know, well getting married can
provide some tax benefits when filing together, but
you should always consult a tax professional who has details on your specific situation. I think there’s a lot of murkiness, people don’t understand taxes and how, you know, filing jointly,
filing separately, filing joint or single, filing married, filing jointly, married filing separately. There’s all these
different ways of filing. – It’s complicated. – And I know in our instance, I did not want to file jointly with my husband because I didn’t want his income factored into my student loan payments, but when we’re considering buying a home, his business wasn’t as
successful as my business, so he needed my business
income on our tax return for us to apply for our mortgage and so we did have to file jointly. – I didn’t know you had a choice. – Yeah, you do have a choice and so that’s why it’s important to talk to a tax professional because they’ll look and say okay, based on this, this is what makes the most sense for you
because filing separately, the trade off didn’t make sense for me to save money on my student loan payments versus the benefit it would in getting approved for a mortgage and you know our percentage and so forth. So it just, you have to talk to someone who’s a professional and even as a financial professional,
I still have people who advised me on tax strategy
and tax planning because– – You don’t want that letter in the mail. – No. Like they’re experts for a reason. You know with your insurance professional, with your tax professional,
your therapist. People are experts for a reason because they have access to a certain tool kit that you as an everyday
individual probably don’t have access too. – Okay, we’ll all gonna center ourselves, we’re gonna take some deep breaths. – This money got me all riled up. – Good, this money meditations feel good. – I love it. So we’re gonna go a money
meditation, you got it. We’re gonna breathe in accountability, we’re gonna breathe out money, every time. – Can I breathe in money? – Listen, you can breathe in, breathe out the money all you want. Okay, let’s all center
ourselves, let’s breathe. Deep breath in. And then we’re gonna breathe money out. And in. – Breathe it in and out. – In and out, in and out. Listen, we want healthy
financial breaths here. – Inhale money, exhale money. I need that on a shirt. – We’ll make it happen for you. But for today’s money meditation, let’s all take a moment to identify a way we can work together with a partner, whether it’s your business partner or it’s your romantic partner to improve. Take inventory of what
stresses and burdens you around money management and finances and imagine that weight being lifted off of your shoulders by a partner who knows and understands. Now picture something
you can do that will make your partner’s life easier
around money management. And now you can think to yourself, what is stopping you from starting today on those goals? (laughing) I mean, I can go first. I have a lot of business partners that I think of, I think
very fondly of them because I’m business
married to them for real. And I’ve been having,
recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how hard it
is to make decisions, like it’s hard for me to
make a decision for myself and the minute it involves somebody else, I just get stressed about
it and I think I just really want to commit to
being more transparent about that and also to just working on if we are communicating well, then there’s no problem at all, right, and so it’s not, I don’t
want to be internalizing all of the stress that I have about making financial decisions
about my business. – For myself, I think there is a burden that comes with me having
businesses that I’ve started, that I’ve invested into, also properties that I have and I always am nervous, like I have to make sure I have a certain amount of money. I’m always going really hard to make sure there’s always money coming in, but it is something that has always, it stresses me out to know that I have mortgages and things like that, even though these are great investments, I’m always like okay, I have to make sure I keep the money coming,
keep the money coming in and sometimes I just can’t relax. And I know for my boyfriend, his thinking about money
is just so different. He’s a lot more lax and
chill about it than I am and I’m a lot more like
okay, I gotta get this, I gotta get this money. And he doesn’t mind doing things where he knows he’s extending a credit line or doing certain things that I just am not comfortable with and so I guess debt has always been, and
I know there’s good debt, but it always has made me nervous and I have to get more comfortable with knowing that, you
know, at certain points that these investments
that might have some debt are still great investments. – I think mine has to do a
lot with comfort, as well. I’ve shared that I’ve been divorced, so this is my second marriage. I feel old saying that, but this is my second marriage and so because my first marriage ended in a divorce, I always
feel kind of like this fear of what would happen if
this didn’t work out. And so, that, in that instance, I find that I make a lot
of financial decisions based on what’s best for Tonya and if Tonya was not married anymore and I think sometimes that signals to my husband like so, are you planning to leave at some point. Do you think we’re not gonna work out, and kind of makes him feel uncomfortable that I don’t see us, you
know, going the long haul. So I do have to be better about involving him in my financial decisions that don’t directly affect him. – All right, well, of course, you know, we want to hear
what you came up with for this week’s money meditation. Just use the hashtag, #livecolorfull with two Ls at the end of color full. So that’s the words live
color and full, F-U-L-L. That’s that double L at the end. And that’s all for this week y’all. Don’t forget to check back next week when we’ll be digging into the things we wish we knew before doing home renovation. You’re not gonna want
to miss that one at all. – Yes. (State Farm jingle)

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